I Grieve - COMPLETE
Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2003 11:23 am
I Grieve
Disclaimer: I don’t own or have any claim on Harry Potter. I just have a loan of the characters for a bit. Ownership belongs to the estimable JKR, Bloomsbury, Scholastic, Warner Brothers, etc. The title comes from the Peter Gabriel song of the same name.
Rating: TEEN
Author’s Note: This story contains potential spoiler material for Order of the Phoenix.
*~*~*
Soon.
They hadn’t been wrong about that. Ron had said it. Hermione had said it. Even Mrs. Weasley had said it. We’ll see you soon, mate … really soon, Harry … we promise … we’ll have you away from there as soon as we can.
Soon.
And before long – in next to no time – he found out how “soon” soon could be.
And for the first time, he found himself wishing he could stay – wishing he didn’t have to go and look at all the faces of the people he cared about through eyes filled with guilt and grief. He couldn’t bear the responsibility of it. What if something happened while he was there? What if someone else got hurt because of him? What if someone else …
He looked at Hedwig, stowed away in her cage, ready to leave Privet Drive with the rest of his belongings the next morning. All he had to do was write a quick note and send it off with her – tell the Weasleys he didn’t think he wanted to come so soon after all – that he would just meet them at King’s Cross on September first. The Dursleys would take him. Moody and the others hadn’t given them much of a choice. If he needed a ride to the train station, they had to take him, or face consequences from members of the Order. It seemed strange not to want to leave the house he had grown to loathe and despise after years of neglect and harsh treatment. But Dumbledore had told him it was safe there. And more importantly, he felt that everyone he cared about was out of harm’s way while he was there as well.
The farther away from me, the better, he thought miserably. He lay on his bed, staring up in the semi-darkness. Light from the lamppost spilled through the panes of glass and cast a weak source that softly illuminated the ceiling. He had a miserable ache in his body as he laid there staring, frozen and feeling hollow … as if one of the dementors from last summer had come back to finish the job, and had succeeded. And then he entertained a bleak thought. I wish they would come back … I think I’d let them finish me off.
He was tired of telling everyone he was fine, when everything inside him screamed that he could never be fine again. And if he didn’t have to be with them, he wouldn’t have to keep pretending he was fine. So what if he felt completely alone at Privet Drive? So what if his wretched feelings were eating him away from the inside out? Didn’t he deserve that? Wasn’t it the least punishment he could inflict on himself? The least … the very least …
He had no right to want to be with people. Not when he knew damn well that being with them was dangerous. He had fooled himself for the past five years, but no more. He was a target, and anyone near him was at risk … anyone close to him was in mortal peril. His selfishness wasn’t going to get in the way anymore. He would write to the Weasleys and say he regretted having to tell them, but he wasn’t going to be able to stay with them this summer after all. He would write to them just as soon as he rested a bit. He was so tired … so tired …
TBC
Disclaimer: I don’t own or have any claim on Harry Potter. I just have a loan of the characters for a bit. Ownership belongs to the estimable JKR, Bloomsbury, Scholastic, Warner Brothers, etc. The title comes from the Peter Gabriel song of the same name.
Rating: TEEN
Author’s Note: This story contains potential spoiler material for Order of the Phoenix.
*~*~*
Soon.
They hadn’t been wrong about that. Ron had said it. Hermione had said it. Even Mrs. Weasley had said it. We’ll see you soon, mate … really soon, Harry … we promise … we’ll have you away from there as soon as we can.
Soon.
And before long – in next to no time – he found out how “soon” soon could be.
And for the first time, he found himself wishing he could stay – wishing he didn’t have to go and look at all the faces of the people he cared about through eyes filled with guilt and grief. He couldn’t bear the responsibility of it. What if something happened while he was there? What if someone else got hurt because of him? What if someone else …
He looked at Hedwig, stowed away in her cage, ready to leave Privet Drive with the rest of his belongings the next morning. All he had to do was write a quick note and send it off with her – tell the Weasleys he didn’t think he wanted to come so soon after all – that he would just meet them at King’s Cross on September first. The Dursleys would take him. Moody and the others hadn’t given them much of a choice. If he needed a ride to the train station, they had to take him, or face consequences from members of the Order. It seemed strange not to want to leave the house he had grown to loathe and despise after years of neglect and harsh treatment. But Dumbledore had told him it was safe there. And more importantly, he felt that everyone he cared about was out of harm’s way while he was there as well.
The farther away from me, the better, he thought miserably. He lay on his bed, staring up in the semi-darkness. Light from the lamppost spilled through the panes of glass and cast a weak source that softly illuminated the ceiling. He had a miserable ache in his body as he laid there staring, frozen and feeling hollow … as if one of the dementors from last summer had come back to finish the job, and had succeeded. And then he entertained a bleak thought. I wish they would come back … I think I’d let them finish me off.
He was tired of telling everyone he was fine, when everything inside him screamed that he could never be fine again. And if he didn’t have to be with them, he wouldn’t have to keep pretending he was fine. So what if he felt completely alone at Privet Drive? So what if his wretched feelings were eating him away from the inside out? Didn’t he deserve that? Wasn’t it the least punishment he could inflict on himself? The least … the very least …
He had no right to want to be with people. Not when he knew damn well that being with them was dangerous. He had fooled himself for the past five years, but no more. He was a target, and anyone near him was at risk … anyone close to him was in mortal peril. His selfishness wasn’t going to get in the way anymore. He would write to the Weasleys and say he regretted having to tell them, but he wasn’t going to be able to stay with them this summer after all. He would write to them just as soon as he rested a bit. He was so tired … so tired …
TBC