Fan Fic and More

got a joke - share it here.<br><br>A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.<br>Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.<br><br>He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have<br>beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.<br><br>The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as<br>she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.<br><br>As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up<br>into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to<br>exit her car with her hands up.<br><br>He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,<br>photographed, and placed in a cell.<br><br>After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the<br>door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer<br>was waiting with her personal effects.<br><br>He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your<br>car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you,<br>and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Pray Every Day' license<br>plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to<br>Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on<br>the trunk.<br><br>Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."<br><br> <p><center><i><a href="http://p199.ezboard.com/fmajiklmoonsrea ... =188.topic" target="_new">What if Max had healed Maria instead of Liz?</a><br><center><img border=0 src="http://www.majiksfanfic.com/banners/Kyle.jpg" /></center><center><a href=http://pub84.ezboard.com/bmajiklmoonsrealm><img src=http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/ ... a></center> </p><i>Edited by: <A HREF=http://p199.ezboard.com/bmajiklmoonsrea ... iklmoon</A> at: 2/21/05 11:39 am<br></i>

(This post is missing and can not be restored) <p></p><i></i>

(This post is missing and can not be restored) <p></p><i></i>

Puns for Intellectuals<br><br><br>Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess stops them and says, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."<br><br>NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.<br><br>A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar, and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."<br><br>Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.<br><br>A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.<br><br>A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal." The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her<br>husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're identical twins for Pete sake! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"<br><br>A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.<br><br>Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ....what? (This is so bad it's good) A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.<br><br> <p><center><a href=http://pub84.ezboard.com/bmajiklmoonsrealm><img src=http://members.aol.com/majiklmoon/image ... r><br>It's my <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/majiklmoon/" target="_new">BLOG</a> and I'll whine if I want to!</center> </p><i></i>

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. <br><br>Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, " Yes, I'm positive..." <br><br>A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't you dare try to start anything." <br><br>A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." <br><br>A dyslexic man walks into a bra. <br><br>Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" <br><br>"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" <br>"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" <br>"It's Not Unusual." <br><br>Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. <br><br>An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. <br><br>Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. <p><center><a href=http://pub84.ezboard.com/bmajiklmoonsrealm><img src=http://members.aol.com/majiklmoon/image ... r><br>It's my <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/majiklmoon/" target="_new">BLOG</a> and I'll whine if I want to!</center> </p><i></i>

A group of scientists tried repeatedly to cross a parrot, a walrus, and a rooster.

Did they succeed?


Naw... all they got was polly wally doodles all day.

This isn't a joke, but it's kind of cool...

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe and the biran fguiers it out aynawy. . WOW!

Best Out of Office E-Mail Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on September 30th. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $10.99 for the first ten words and $5.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY,

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of '"Michael" .

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man lots and lots of pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

From Bisty

TEACHER APPLICATION
>
>After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager
teaching
>prospect said,
>
>"Let me see if I've got this right.
>
>You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their
>every waking moment with a love for learning.
>
>And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity,
modify
>their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even
>censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
>
>You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,
>check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their
>self esteem.
>
>You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship,
>fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and
how
>to apply for a job.
>
>I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
>recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of
>recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage
>respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh,
>make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my
>attention.
>
>My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings
>and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation, at
>my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Masters
>degree.
>
>And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty
meetings,
>PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to
be
>paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will
awe
>my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.
>
>You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience,
>monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That
>includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to
>commit a crime in school.
>
>I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even
>those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their
>assignments.
>
>Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an
>equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical
>handicap.
>
>And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by
>letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.
>
>All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few
>books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that
>qualifies my family for food stamps!
>
>You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me......
>
>NOT TO PRAY??!"

well this isn't a joke, its ore of something true that happened but its funny. i have these long flowing gypsy/peasant skirts. and i wore one to work. well i was running for my bus and when i got there these was a bus in front of it. i guess the exhaust was too much for the skirt cause the thing billowed up. flew right into my face. and if any of you have ever worn these skirts you know there is a bunch of fabric to them. it took me like 3 min to get the ting to settle down. not funny to you...well i tell my mom when i get home and she doesn't go you poor thing or anything. she asks "did you have on underwear?" i'm like of course and then "well were they clean?" and i'm like yes. and she's like "well whats the problem. you probably had on more clothes than half the people out there. thank of it as having a swimsuite on in public" aren't mom's great

LOL :

bahahahaha

DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE...USELESS, BUT DEEP:


1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said: "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law!"

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

WHY AM I MARRIED?



You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish

you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you

wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."


When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge

than to let her keep him.



A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is

finished.


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost

to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."


A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of

Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."


Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real

happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to

every word you say -- talk in your sleep.


Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through

life thinking they had no faults at all.



First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."



A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and

to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if

I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.



AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine

children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,

they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are

able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a

while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of

the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why

don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That

ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the

end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell

up."

Oh classic! Loved that last one. ROFLOL

bahaha. the last one was great.

I aim to please

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says,"You know, I bet he will jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde ! replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
Homer took the money.......

A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and

to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if

I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

this one has me LOL at 4 am!!!