Things that Roswell characters would never say
Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 2:39 am
I came across this first on RF and loved it so much I wanted to put it here.I've also went and got what I think is some of my best work from that thread.I posted it here for you to either laugh at or throw things at it. :P
*television*- "Scientist say yet another large hole in the ozone layer was found today. Surprisingly this one is located in the United States, over the small town of Roswell,New Mexico."
Maria turned in her seat on the sofa and smacked Michael hard on the arm.
"Ow what was that for?" Michael glared at his girlfriend while rubbing his arm.
"I tried to tell you that you was using to much hair spray!" Maria rolled her eyes "But did you listen NOOOOOO! Probably going to get us all killed now!"
Michael could only run his hands over his spiked hair.
****
We can hear romantic music playing in the back ground
We can see dozen of burning candles spread through out the room bathing everything with their soft golden glow.
We can smell the lovely smell of flowers permeating the bed room
We.....are interrupted when Tess's voice suddenly yells out from the bedroom.
"Kyle for the last damn time! I am NOT going to mind warp you into thinking I look like Anna Kournikova while we're having sex!"
*****
"So one of your alien powers is that you can manipulate matter?" asked Maria.
"That's right Pixie Girl." answered Michael, Max who was standing next to him only nodded his head in response to the question.
"What kind of ways can you change stuff?" Maria asked another question.
"Oh we can do a lot of stuff." said Michael "We can change the molecules of one item so it will change into something else. We can also bend the molecules so they will change the shape of an item, making it wider or longer."
"Wow, I'm a little impressed." said Maria "When you guys learned you had this power what was the first thing you changed the shape of?"
To answer Maria's question Max and Michael could only look down at their crotch.
"OH GOD!" Maria rolled her eyes in disgust.
****
"So would you like something to drink before the meal gets here? Maybe some red wine or something?" Alex asked Isabel after they had sat down at the table,while on their date.
"Oh I don't know Alex? You know that even the smallest amount of alcohol can effect my alien mind" Isabel said hesitantly as she looked at Alex over the top of her menu "Who knows what might happen? It might cause me to go wild and do something stupid like rip off all my clothing!"
"Oh waiter,wine list please!" said Alex holding up his finger to the passing man.
***
"Hello is this Queer Eye For The Straight Guy?" Maria asked into the phone "It is good now listen up!I have a BIG challange for you guys! And that challange goes by the name of Michael!"
****
"Well I'm glad Tess is gone." said Maria as everyone was eating at the Crashdown table "I never liked her blonde ass anyway."
"Oh she's not really a blonde by the way." said Max who than noticed how everyone was looking at him.
"Oh maybe I shouldn't have said that." gulped Max as he noticed how Liz was glaring at him.
****
"Come on Michael lets go to bed." purred Maria
"God Maria is sex all you ever think about?" Michael pouted
"What the hell is your problem?" Maria rolled her eyes.
"Everything with you is just sex sex sex." frowned Michael "Why can't you just love me for my mind?!"
****
"Well here we are again." Maria threw her hands up in frustration as she looked over at where Alex and Liz sit across from her in one of the booths in the Crashdown "The three of us are here together alone while our Czechoslovakian counterparts are out there doing God knows what and thinking they're protecting us by leaving us here!"
"So you guys want to do something to pass the time?" asked Liz.
"Sure what did you have in mind?" Maria asked.
"I don't know." Liz turned to look at her and Maria male best friend "Got any ideas Alex?"
"Why don't we have sex?" asked Alex "I mean the three of us have always done everything else together.So why not that?"
"Ok" shurgged Liz as she slid out of the booth and lead Alex and Maria up the stairs to her bedroom
****
"God Maxwell" Michael shook his head "First Liz,than Tess and now back to Liz.What's up with you?"
"I like the short chicks." Max explained.
****
"I'm sorry Isabel I can't take you to Prom" said Alex as he turned away from Isabel and started walking away from her "I'm in love with Leana and I'm on my way back to Sweden to be with her."
"Damn it Alex!" Isabel stomped her foot in frustration "Leana isn't even real! She was a mind warp by Tess!"
"I don't care!" Alex yelled over his shoulder "She still treated me better than you ever did!"
***
"So let me see if I have this right." said Kyle as he looked at Alex's ghost across the Crashdown table "My mom leaves me when I'm six years old. Than Liz, my girlfriend at the time, dumps me for Max the alien king. Than Tess, the girl I had some feelings for, turns out to be a psycho murdering alien. And just when I start to think I have a shot with Isabel she runs off and marries Jessie?"
"That sounds about right." Alex's ghost nodded his head.
"Gees," muttered Kyle,while shaking his head "And people wonder why I get written as gay in so much fanfiction."
****
"Ok the first question in this Rate Your Mate quiz is this." said Tess as she looked up from her Cosmo magazine at a bored Kyle who was sitting next to her on the sofa "What is the number one thing your mate couldn't live with out?"
Kyle thought for a second before he mumbled "Sex"
WHACK!!
"OW!" yelled Kyle as he rubbed his now sore shoulder after Tess had smacked it "What the hell was that for?!"
"You were supposed to say ME you moron!" glared Tess "You remember me don't you? Your GIRLFRIEND! The number one thing you can't live with out should be ME!"
"Ok ok I get you." Kyle rolled his eyes.
"Good now lets try this thing again." said Tess as she looked back down at the magazine and started reading out loud again "What is the number one thing your mate couldn't live with out?"
"Sex with you."
WHACK!!
"WHAT?!"
******
Max begin to groan as she gently laid kiss down his stomach. Feeling her hands touch his thighs and other parts of his body in that area Max's groan became increased.
"Oh god Tess that feels so good." muttered Max.
Liz's head quickly shot up "What did you just say?!"
Oh shit, thought Max
****
For this joke to work lets all just pretend that Amy and Jim got married and so Maria and her mom are now living with Tess and the Valenti men.
"Maria I can't believe you told Max I said that about him!" Liz yelled mortified as she sat on her best friends bed.
Smirking at the way Liz was blushing Maria laughed "Oh yeah he got all excited when I told him how you moaned his name out in your sleep the other night."
"Oh my god Maria I told you that in best friend confidence!"
"Best friend confidence?" Maria's smirk got even bigger "Is that something like the mobs code of silence?"
"Ohhh....you...big..." Liz fumed as she pulled her knees up on the bed, grabbed a pillow and started batting Maria with it. Maria quickly grabbed her own pillow and soon both girls were laughing as they pelted one another. It was a second before either of them noticed that Kyle was standing in the doorway watching them pillow fight on the bed.
"Oh hey Kyle," said Maria now the one blushing "We were just...."
"You know..." Kyle spoke suddenly interrupting Maria "Usually when I have this dream there's normally a lot of pillow feathers floating all around in the air and you two have on a lot less clothing."
"KYLE!!"
*television*- "Scientist say yet another large hole in the ozone layer was found today. Surprisingly this one is located in the United States, over the small town of Roswell,New Mexico."
Maria turned in her seat on the sofa and smacked Michael hard on the arm.
"Ow what was that for?" Michael glared at his girlfriend while rubbing his arm.
"I tried to tell you that you was using to much hair spray!" Maria rolled her eyes "But did you listen NOOOOOO! Probably going to get us all killed now!"
Michael could only run his hands over his spiked hair.
****
We can hear romantic music playing in the back ground
We can see dozen of burning candles spread through out the room bathing everything with their soft golden glow.
We can smell the lovely smell of flowers permeating the bed room
We.....are interrupted when Tess's voice suddenly yells out from the bedroom.
"Kyle for the last damn time! I am NOT going to mind warp you into thinking I look like Anna Kournikova while we're having sex!"
*****
"So one of your alien powers is that you can manipulate matter?" asked Maria.
"That's right Pixie Girl." answered Michael, Max who was standing next to him only nodded his head in response to the question.
"What kind of ways can you change stuff?" Maria asked another question.
"Oh we can do a lot of stuff." said Michael "We can change the molecules of one item so it will change into something else. We can also bend the molecules so they will change the shape of an item, making it wider or longer."
"Wow, I'm a little impressed." said Maria "When you guys learned you had this power what was the first thing you changed the shape of?"
To answer Maria's question Max and Michael could only look down at their crotch.
"OH GOD!" Maria rolled her eyes in disgust.
****
"So would you like something to drink before the meal gets here? Maybe some red wine or something?" Alex asked Isabel after they had sat down at the table,while on their date.
"Oh I don't know Alex? You know that even the smallest amount of alcohol can effect my alien mind" Isabel said hesitantly as she looked at Alex over the top of her menu "Who knows what might happen? It might cause me to go wild and do something stupid like rip off all my clothing!"
"Oh waiter,wine list please!" said Alex holding up his finger to the passing man.
***
"Hello is this Queer Eye For The Straight Guy?" Maria asked into the phone "It is good now listen up!I have a BIG challange for you guys! And that challange goes by the name of Michael!"
****
"Well I'm glad Tess is gone." said Maria as everyone was eating at the Crashdown table "I never liked her blonde ass anyway."
"Oh she's not really a blonde by the way." said Max who than noticed how everyone was looking at him.
"Oh maybe I shouldn't have said that." gulped Max as he noticed how Liz was glaring at him.
****
"Come on Michael lets go to bed." purred Maria
"God Maria is sex all you ever think about?" Michael pouted
"What the hell is your problem?" Maria rolled her eyes.
"Everything with you is just sex sex sex." frowned Michael "Why can't you just love me for my mind?!"
****
"Well here we are again." Maria threw her hands up in frustration as she looked over at where Alex and Liz sit across from her in one of the booths in the Crashdown "The three of us are here together alone while our Czechoslovakian counterparts are out there doing God knows what and thinking they're protecting us by leaving us here!"
"So you guys want to do something to pass the time?" asked Liz.
"Sure what did you have in mind?" Maria asked.
"I don't know." Liz turned to look at her and Maria male best friend "Got any ideas Alex?"
"Why don't we have sex?" asked Alex "I mean the three of us have always done everything else together.So why not that?"
"Ok" shurgged Liz as she slid out of the booth and lead Alex and Maria up the stairs to her bedroom
****
"God Maxwell" Michael shook his head "First Liz,than Tess and now back to Liz.What's up with you?"
"I like the short chicks." Max explained.
****
"I'm sorry Isabel I can't take you to Prom" said Alex as he turned away from Isabel and started walking away from her "I'm in love with Leana and I'm on my way back to Sweden to be with her."
"Damn it Alex!" Isabel stomped her foot in frustration "Leana isn't even real! She was a mind warp by Tess!"
"I don't care!" Alex yelled over his shoulder "She still treated me better than you ever did!"
***
"So let me see if I have this right." said Kyle as he looked at Alex's ghost across the Crashdown table "My mom leaves me when I'm six years old. Than Liz, my girlfriend at the time, dumps me for Max the alien king. Than Tess, the girl I had some feelings for, turns out to be a psycho murdering alien. And just when I start to think I have a shot with Isabel she runs off and marries Jessie?"
"That sounds about right." Alex's ghost nodded his head.
"Gees," muttered Kyle,while shaking his head "And people wonder why I get written as gay in so much fanfiction."
****
"Ok the first question in this Rate Your Mate quiz is this." said Tess as she looked up from her Cosmo magazine at a bored Kyle who was sitting next to her on the sofa "What is the number one thing your mate couldn't live with out?"
Kyle thought for a second before he mumbled "Sex"
WHACK!!
"OW!" yelled Kyle as he rubbed his now sore shoulder after Tess had smacked it "What the hell was that for?!"
"You were supposed to say ME you moron!" glared Tess "You remember me don't you? Your GIRLFRIEND! The number one thing you can't live with out should be ME!"
"Ok ok I get you." Kyle rolled his eyes.
"Good now lets try this thing again." said Tess as she looked back down at the magazine and started reading out loud again "What is the number one thing your mate couldn't live with out?"
"Sex with you."
WHACK!!
"WHAT?!"
******
Max begin to groan as she gently laid kiss down his stomach. Feeling her hands touch his thighs and other parts of his body in that area Max's groan became increased.
"Oh god Tess that feels so good." muttered Max.
Liz's head quickly shot up "What did you just say?!"
Oh shit, thought Max
****
For this joke to work lets all just pretend that Amy and Jim got married and so Maria and her mom are now living with Tess and the Valenti men.
"Maria I can't believe you told Max I said that about him!" Liz yelled mortified as she sat on her best friends bed.
Smirking at the way Liz was blushing Maria laughed "Oh yeah he got all excited when I told him how you moaned his name out in your sleep the other night."
"Oh my god Maria I told you that in best friend confidence!"
"Best friend confidence?" Maria's smirk got even bigger "Is that something like the mobs code of silence?"
"Ohhh....you...big..." Liz fumed as she pulled her knees up on the bed, grabbed a pillow and started batting Maria with it. Maria quickly grabbed her own pillow and soon both girls were laughing as they pelted one another. It was a second before either of them noticed that Kyle was standing in the doorway watching them pillow fight on the bed.
"Oh hey Kyle," said Maria now the one blushing "We were just...."
"You know..." Kyle spoke suddenly interrupting Maria "Usually when I have this dream there's normally a lot of pillow feathers floating all around in the air and you two have on a lot less clothing."
"KYLE!!"