Day 17 – Too Much Thinking Time
Pre-op breast surgery anxiety is no joke, and today it hit me harder than I expected. We had a cold day today, 
which is like a snow day, but with no snow. Normally, I’m all about the unexpected days off—snow days, cold days, heat days, and yes, even SWAT days. Don’t ask… but trust me, SWAT days are a legit thing in my district. Most of the time, I welcome them. An unexpected free day? Yes, please! But today’s cold day? Not so great.
Too Much Thinking Time
You’d think a bonus day off would be all cozy pajamas, hot cocoa, and Netflix binges. And usually, it would be. But today it just meant I had way too much time to think. And let me tell you, too much thinking time is not my friend right now.
The second my brain isn’t busy with lesson plans, grading, or wrangling teenagers into caring about history, it jumps straight into one topic: my upcoming surgery. Cue the nonstop loop of questions: Did I make the right choice? Should I have gone with a lumpectomy instead of a mastectomy? What if I regret it?
It’s not like you can exactly say, “Oopsie, bad choice—can I get my boobs back?” This is permanent, and that’s terrifying. And with nothing else on my plate today, that fear just echoed louder. That’s the thing about pre-op breast surgery anxiety—it creeps in during the quiet moments.
Monday, Monday
No, I’m not about to break out into “Monday, Monday” by The Mamas and the Papas, even though it’s a classic. Personally, I’ve always preferred “Creeque Alley” from them anyway. But music aside, Monday is looming large on my 
mental calendar because that’s my pre-op appointment.
On paper, it’s just another step in the process. But in reality? It feels huge. I’ve got a list of questions a mile long, and I hope the doctors are ready for me. I want to know how much it’s going to hurt. I want to know how long I’ll be down and out of commission. And the question that’s been gnawing at me nonstop—what about those expanders? Are they going to hurt as much as everyone says?
It feels like I’m walking into this appointment with a backpack stuffed full of fear. Some of it’s rational, sure. Any surgery is a big deal. But some of it is just plain old catastrophizing—imagining the worst before it even happens. That’s the reality of pre-op breast surgery anxiety: your brain is basically a “what if” factory.
The Jitters No One Talks About
Here’s the part no one really warns you about. Yes, they’ll tell you about the procedure itself, the recovery, the medication. But what about the week before? What about the endless waiting? The hours where you sit there with nothing to distract you, and your brain cycles through every possible scenario?
I know I’m not alone. I’ve read about how anxiety is a common part of the breast cancer journey (American Cancer Society). Still, knowing that doesn’t make my heart race any slower when I picture the operating room. It doesn’t make the idea of recovery feel any less overwhelming.
And here’s the kicker—I’m usually good at putting on the “I’ve got this” face. The smile, the jokes, the “don’t worry about me, I’m fine” act. But when I’m home alone with too much thinking time? That mask drops fast.
Coping on a Cold Day
So how do you deal with it? I don’t have a magic answer (if I did, I’d be bottling it and selling it right now). But here’s 
what I tried today:
- Music. Not “Monday, Monday,” but yes, I blasted a few of my comfort songs. It’s amazing how much a three-minute song can pull you out of your own head.
- Writing it down. That’s literally this blog. Getting the words out of my head and onto a screen feels like setting down a heavy load, even if just for a while. (This also ties back to writing advice I shared in my post about Showing vs. Telling in Writing.)
- Movement. I forced myself out for a short walk in the cold. Yes, it was freezing. Yes, my nose turned bright red. But the air helped. Science even says physical activity can reduce surgical anxiety (Mayo Clinic).
None of these things made the pre-op breast surgery anxiety magically disappear, but they kept me from drowning in it. And sometimes that’s all you can ask for—small lifelines that keep your head above water.
Looking Ahead
Monday will come whether I want it to or not. And honestly, I’m still scared. But I also know that facing this appointment, asking my questions, and taking it step by step is the only way through.
If you’re reading this and you’ve ever dealt with pre-op breast surgery anxiety (or really any medical anxiety), you know the struggle is real. The waiting. The not knowing. The way time feels like it slows down just to torture you. But here’s what I remind myself: I’m not alone. Thousands of people walk this road every year, and they come out on the other side.
I keep reminding myself that being scared doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means I’m human. And it means this matters—because my life and my health matter.
So for now, I’ll sip my tea, keep making my list of questions, and try not to Google every horror story that pops into my brain. Monday is coming, but so is healing.
Resources
- American Cancer Society – Breast Cancer (external)
- Mayo Clinic – Coping with Anxiety (external)
- Showing vs. Telling in Writing (internal)
- Showing vs. Telling – Printable Cheat Sheet (PDF) (internal)
