Title: Declaration
Author: StormyBear30
Author Website: p206.ezboard.com/bslashygoodness17029
Feedback Email: StormyBear29@cox.net
Pairing: Ryan and Seth
Rating: Mature
Genre: Ryan’s POV
Summary: Seth’s afraid…will he lose Ryan in the end because of it? Read on to find out.
Notes: This is my first Ryan and Seth fic…so please be gentle.
Disclaimer: I don’t own The OC or any related parties.
“Are you ok?” I ask as I watch my lover pace frantically up and down the expanse of our bedroom.
“I thought you were asleep” He answers…avoiding my question in his typical manner when he wants to avoid what’s been asked.
“You know that I can’t sleep when your not in bed with me” I reply in turn as I slide off of the bed and disappear into the bathroom. “Come to bed” I say moments later as I reenter the room and once again lay down in the bed that we have shared for the last few years.
“I can’t sleep…I’m to nervous” He chatters more to himself then me as I sit up and stare at the man who is so frazzled that he is wearing a hole in the carpet.
“So does this mean that you’ve thought about what we talked about earlier?” I ask as patiently as I can…because truth be told I am really kind of tired of discussing what he had been talking about earlier because it’s been something that we have truly been discussing for months before now.
“It’s all I can think about…” He speaks more to himself them to me again and immediately my guard is set.
“And…” I tread carefully because I don’t want to spook him…but I also want the answer I had been clambering for all night. He sighs in response as I close my eyes and try to contain my hurt and disappointment because I know where this is leading. “You’ve made up your mind then?” I ask…opening my eyes to find him standing before the bed with eyes as huge as saucers. Now…usually those eyes would get to me and I would cave in without a forethought…but not this time. This time I refuse to give in…refuse to put my feelings of hurt and yes even betrayal on the backburner for him once again. I have given up so much to be with this man and as he stands here before me unwilling to sacrifice the same I lose my cool.
“You’re being an asshole Seth” I accuse…jumping off the bed as I face him toe to toe.
“I love it when you get all Chino on me Ryan” He tries to seduce me…wrapping his arms around my waist as he leans in to kiss me.
“Do you really love it Seth?” I asked…biting the inside of my cheek in an attempt to keep my temper in check.
“Yeah baby…I really love it” He teases me some more…once again trying to kiss me as I turn my head and feel his lips graze my cheek.
“Well you are really going to love this then” I grin at him in that sexy smile that I know drives him mad. Leaning forward…I nip and tongue his neck area in such a way that I know is turning him one because I can feel that turn on poking me in my own groin area. With each swipe of my tongue…we swagger backwards until he is pressed against the wall next to the open bedroom door. “Are you ready for it?” I ask him with that same sexy grin.
“Yeah…yeah…I‘m sooo ready” He is near drooling…hard and ready for what I am about to give him.
“Well you’re on your own tonight buddy boy” I whisper against his ear…nipping it quickly before shoving him out into the hallway…slamming and locking the bedroom door behind him.
“Omg…did he just do that? I can‘t believe that he just did that” I hear him speak to himself and instead of finding his typical blathering endearing…it only serves to annoy me even more. “Ryan…you’re being unreasonable” He begins to pound on the door as I throw myself back into bed…covering my head with his pillow. “Ryan…come on. Please…don’t do this” He begins to beg and once again I contemplate giving in…but I just can’t any longer. This argument between us is not a new one…it’s been one that has been brewing and simmering between us for several years before this and one that if not rectified I know will tear our love apart. “Ryan…I love you. You know that right…you know that I love you and only you and…”
“Your on the couch tonight Seth and nothing that you have to say to me will make me change my mind” I scream towards the door.
“Hey…you seem to forget whose name this house is in and who makes the very large payments every month” I hear him retort through that same door he has been thrown out of…unable to believe that he has brought this other problem of ours up once again. I know that it shouldn’t bother me…but the fact that Seth rakes in hundredths and thousands of dollars on a whim bothers me sometimes. I know that I shouldn’t be upset and put off by the fact that he owns his own comic book franchise…including TV shows…Movies and merchandising…but I am. Don’t get me wrong I am proud of my lover…but the fact that I am still struggling with my own architectural design company makes me angry some times. Add in the fact that whenever we have an argument and he doesn’t get his way he throws it in my face as well.
“Fuck off…is that Chino enough for you” I scream in anger as I pick up one of his hastily discarded sneakers from earlier that night and throw it against the door for good measure. I know that I should try to control this side of me and for the most part I can…but there are some times that I really struggle with it and those some times are when Seth is acting like an ass. I know that he gets the hint that he has pushed me to far as the hallway grows quiet and I try and settle down for the night. However…I know that I won’t be able to sleep because I can never sleep when he’s not in bed with me. It’s like the only time that I can relax enough to sleep is when his body is practically plastered against my own. At first I used to find it quite annoying…but as the years went on I grew accustomed to it and now it is like a drug…one that I must have nightly.
As expected I tossed and turned all night as I make my way down the stairs…finding Seth in the kitchen in the same stance of disarray that I find myself. “Sleep well?” He asks smugly and I can hear the underlying anger behind those words…but I ignore them as I reach for a cup of coffee. “Look Ryan…I’m sorry” He changes his tactics as he steps up behind me and wraps his arms around my chest. “I never should have said what I said last night. Hell…I didn’t mean it…but I was just so angry and…” He’s blubbering again and I know that somewhere deep inside he really does mean what he is saying because it kills him to hurt me…but I also know that he is still avoiding the root of the problem.
“Have you given anymore thought to what we talked about before?” I cut him off…turning around in those same arms that usually set me at ease…this morning they only seem to irritate me beyond belief. “Get dressed…we leave in fifteen minutes…” I respond to his silence as I turn away from him…trudging into the living room in search of my jacket. I hear him talking to himself again…but I ignore him as I grab the keys to my truck off the table and head out the door. I just need some time to think and alone in my truck is usually the only place that I can do that. I know that he will take his time…know that he will linger as he picks out the perfect outfit as I slam the door loudly behind me and think back to the time when it all happened.
TBC...
Declaration... The OC R/S Conclusion Mature
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StormyBear30
- Newbie
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- Location: Virginia
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Declaration... The OC R/S Conclusion Mature
Last edited by StormyBear30 on Mon Aug 29, 2005 1:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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majiklmoon
- Dorkus Maximus and Super Wuss
- Posts: 14820
- Joined: Fri Oct 20, 2000 8:01 pm
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StormyBear30
- Newbie
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Sat Jul 09, 2005 6:50 pm
- Location: Virginia
- Contact:
Part 2
Flashback…
Seth and I had been close from the very beginning. It was like we completed each other in a way that we could never had been before. It wasn’t sexual…not at first…but just the idea that knowing someone loved and cared for you because of you and who you truly were. I think that there was always something special between Seth and I…some spark of sexual tension but at the time we were trying to play the role of hetro teenager to the max. Seth was dating Summer on and off throughout the years with a few others thrown into the mix as well. I was dating Marissa…more off then on and as aggravating as it could be…it truly never upset me in the way that it should. I couldn’t admit it then…but I had Seth and as long as he accepted me into his life and was there for me when I needed him and he allowed me to be there for him…it was all the I needed.
Life after high school was a dramatic turn for us in that we weren’t together as much as we used to be…and each of us was miserable for it. Seth decided to go to college close to home…where I received a full scholarship to one of the top architectural schools in the country…which happened to be in New York City. It was a tough decision to make and many hours were spent brooding and sulking about it…but eventually I made the decision that would change our lives forever. Seth wouldn’t speak to me the entire two weeks before my flight towards a new life without him and the Cohen support system. I knew that I should have been more excited about moving on with my life as I tried to make a name for myself…but all I kept thinking about was not having Seth by my side and it was the beginning of a downward spiral for me. The day I was set to leave I had tried to talk to Seth on several occasions…but he had locked himself in his room and he was refusing to come out. I was dismayed and upset that I had to say my goodbyes through a wooden door…but I wanted him to know how much he meant to me and how much I would miss him while I was gone. The entire trip to the airport I had to fight back the tears that were floating behind the lids of my eyes as Kirsten rubbed my back in a soothing motherly manner. “He’ll come around Ryan…just give him time” She whispered against my ear before kissing me lovingly upon the cheek. I couldn’t say anything as I seemed to have lost the ability to speak…so I nodded in response as she and Sandy hugged me goodbye and sent me onward with love and well wishes of luck. I felt as if my world was ending when in fact it should have been starting as I once again was hit with the reality that Seth and I were possibly at the end of our road of friendship.
“Ryan wait…” I heard his voice cry out to me as he raced into the lobby of the airport…bypassing his grinning parents before falling into my arms. “I’m sorry man…so sorry” I clutched him against my body as close as I dared…eyes closed because I knew it would be months…maybe even longer before I got the chance to see him again. “I love you man…remember that”
“Me too…” Was my strangled reply as I dropped my bags to the floor…throwing caution to the wind as I hugged him even tighter. “Miss you…” I rushed out…pulling back as I stared deep into his dark eyes. It was at the very moment that the very first of what would become many urges overcame me. I longed to twine my fingers through his hair and pull him to me until my mouth was ravaging his mouth. I wanted to run my hands all over his geeky body in a way that hetro boys should not want to be doing at all. I wanted to claim him as mine…right there in the middle of that airport…but instead I stepped back quickly…grabbed my bags and practically ran for the plane.
As expected it was several months before we saw each other again and even now it shocks me as to just how much I missed not having him in my life. It was during this time that I had my first homosexual experience with another man…my roommate to be exact…but something about that experience just didn’t feel right. Don’t get me wrong because I knew that I was gay…I had basically accepted it without much warrant…but it felt wrong to be having sex with another man and that man not being Seth. It was sad and it was pathetic but I longed for him in ways that friends should not long for other friends. We would talk on the phone for hours nightly and afterwards I would jerk myself off to the sound and the mental pictures in my head. I wanted Seth…there was no denying it and despite the fact that I had no idea how he felt about me…I was planning on doing something about it.
I got my chance that first winter break as he…myself…Marissa and Summer all met up in Aspen for some fun and skiing. He and Summer had just recently split up before that trip and as usual he was his normal sulking self. I tried everything to cheer him up…even though it was killing me in the process to do so…but nothing worked. Giving up I went and spent the afternoon with Marissa as we hit the slopes for some fun on our own. I was exhausted as I made my way back to the room I was sharing with Seth hours later…intending to take a warm shower before taking a much needed nap. As expected I found Seth laying across his bed brooding like nothing I had ever seen before. “Have a good time?” I heard him ask me as I struggled out of my winter clothes and there was no denying the anger and irritation in his voice.
“Yeah…Marissa’s a great ski instructor” I replied…laying my clothes across the end of my bed before taking my leave into the bathroom. I heard him mumbling something incoherent…but I figured that it was typical Cohen and jumped into the shower as I tried to come up with some way to cheer up the man that I still harbored such feelings for. I had wanted to try and explain my feelings for Seth on that trip…but I knew it would be a mute point seeing as he was still head over heels in love with Summer. Minutes later I entered the room draped in a towel…once again finding Seth stretched out across his bed…staring at me in a way that expressed just how angry he was at me. “What’s your problem now Seth?” I asked…irritation dripping from my own words as I rooted around my suitcase for a pair of clean clothes.
“You…you are my problem Ryan Atwood” He belted out…jumping off of the bed while my back was turned to him before spinning me around to face him. “We’ve been planning this trip for months now. It was supposed to be a time for us to hang out and get connected once again…and yet all you can do is think about Marissa. Boy…some things never change do they?” He went on with his triad…the grip on my arm getting tighter and tighter with each sentence. I didn’t know what his problem was but by the anger that he was directing at me…I knew that it had more to do with then Summer and Marissa.
“Are you fucking kidding me” I yelled back in his face. “You’ve been pouting like a spoiled brat in this room since we got here. I’ve tried everything to get you to spend time with us…but you preferred to sit up here and sulk” I knew that he was shocked at my words of anger…but what he didn’t know was they were words of frustration more then anything. “If you recall I didn’t even want Marissa and Summer to come. You invited them” I jerked my arm out of his hand…pushing him in the chest as I took a step forward into his personal space. “This was supposed to be a time for just the two of us…but you ruined it…like you always ruin everything”
“OMG…you’re still in love with her” He blurted out of nowhere…which only set my frustration level even higher.
“What?” I cried out in fully anger mode. “I don’t fucking love her…I never did. There is only one person that I love Seth…and that person is you” The words escaped my lips before I had a chance to stop them as he stood before me wide eyed and in full shock. I was in shock myself because I could not believe that I had finally uttered the words that had been laying across my heart for too many years before hand. “Seth…I’m…” But I didn’t finish what I had intended to say because I decided that I had basically screwed things up between the two of us already…why not finish the task.
Grabbing him by the neck…I pulled him forward before covering his unmoving lips with my own. He didn’t even twitch a muscle for a whole moment as the world around me crumbled at my feet…but as I was pulling away he did something I never would have excepted as he grabbed onto my neck and kissed me instead. It started out as a simple kiss…just us pressing our lips together but then the need for more over took me as I wrapped my free arm around his waist and went in for the full treatment. He opened his mouth to me without question…our bodies pressed so close together that we could feel each others erections rubbing against each others. I couldn’t believe that my dream was finally coming true and I couldn’t have been happier about it. As the kiss continued I had visions of the two of us together and in love…because I just knew that Seth was in love with me the way that I was with him. Somehow we ended up on the bed…still kissing as if there were no tomorrow as our hands began to explore new and exciting territory. There was nothing careful about our first time as his clothes and my towel became nonexistent…ending up in a pile on the floor. I was on fire as I nipped and licked my way down his body…giving him what I expected to be his first blowjob.
His cries were loud and exciting as I applied the right amount of suction to his beautiful penis and it was a beautiful penis I must say again. It was long and think and circumcised to perfection. Grasping it with my hand…I began to stroke it gently as I paid special attention to his leaking head. “Jesus Ryan…” He cried out a moment later as he gave into my ministrations and filled my mouth with his manliness. I came right there on the spot…because seeing how beautiful he looked afterwards was the hottest thing I had ever seen in my life. “Whoa…that was amazing” He panted as I slide up his flushed and sweaty body. “Um…do you want me to do…”
“No…” I cut him off with a smile of contentment as I laid my head upon the same pillow he had been laying on. “I’ve already come”
“You did…but I didn’t even touch you” He exclaimed in amazement…his face red…his eyes huge with wonderment.
“You just looked so hot laying there that I couldn’t control myself. I’ve been thinking about this for such a long time and…” I stammered…trying to find the words to explain to him how much I loved him without sounding like a complete moron.
“You…you’ve been thinking about me…like this?” He asked in astonishment but before I could answer he grabbed onto my neck and captured my lips under his once again. The rest of the afternoon and most of the evening was spent kissing and exploring each other bodies…ending up with Seth on his knees in the shower afterwards as he gave me such a mind blowing blow job. After wards we laid in my bed…holding onto each other in complete and utter silence. We both had a lot to think about…even more so to talk about but I knew that it wasn’t the right time just yet. I just wanted to enjoy the moment…enjoy the silence and then Seth opened his mouth and broke my heart for the first time that night. “Ryan…we can’t tell anyone about this” He said quietly…but I heard every word…even the underlying tones of fear that were present.
“I know…” I replied…snuggling as close to his body as I dared as I pretended to fall asleep. I watched him sneak out of our room hours later and it was another several months before I spoke or had seen him again.
There was no communication between us whatsoever after that glorious night…but it was for lack of trying on both of our parts. I really didn’t know what was going through Seth’s mind…but I had an idea. He was afraid…more like petrified of giving into his urges for me. He was afraid of what people would say and would think because despite the fact that he liked and still likes to think that other people’s opinions don’t matter…for him they truly do. I on the other hand was miserable and felt as if I were falling apart. I began to fall back into my Chino ways…almost getting expelled when I was accused of breaking into the science department and spay painting all the walls with graffiti. I was guilty and Sandy knew I was guilty and yet he flew all the way to New York to plead my case before the disciplinary committee. Afterwards…with a two month probationary period to add to all my troubles…Sandy and I truly talked. He wanted to know what was going on between Seth and I…because he was apparently just as fucked up at I was. I refused to tell him all the details…only that he and I were growing apart in ways that he would never understand. He didn’t question me any further after that…just nodded his head…saying that he understood more then I thought he knew before flying back to California.
I decided to get my life back on track as I fell seriously into my studies as well as breaking away from the crowd that I had gotten into all that trouble with. I wasn’t happy…far from it…but I was content enough to move on with my life without Seth in it. It had been several months since I had spoken to or seen Seth and then one night there was a knock at my dorm room door and there he was just standing there. “Hey…” He replied shyly…kicking nervously at the door frame before finding a fascination with the floor.
“What are you doing here Seth?” I asked…forgoing the fake sentiment of greetings.
“I’m so sorry Ryan…” He cried out as he threw himself into my arms. I could hear the sobs of pain as he burrowed even further into my stunned embrace…could feel the wetness of his tears as they blended into my shirt. “She’s gone Ryan…” He sniffled…setting away from me once he felt that he had himself under enough control. “Marissa…she’s gone” He really didn’t have to say her name because I knew that it was her that he was speaking before he even had a chance.
“How?” Was all I could utter…standing before him numb and unmoving from the shock of it.
“She was driving under the influence…she lost control and crashed into a median. She died on the scene” He replied as he once again pulled my stiff frame into his arms…but I was in too much shock to feel it. “I wanted to be the one that told you…and to also tell you how sorry I was for being such an ass that night” He tried to defend his actions…but I couldn’t deal with it at that moment as I pushed him away and practically ran for the door. I could hear him calling out to me afterwards…but I ignored him as I ran as fast as my legs could carry me.
It was hours later that I returned to my dorm and found my roommate comforting Seth as they sat on my bed together. “I’ll leave you two alone” Jonathon said sadly as he took his leaving…squeezing me upon the shoulder in a show of support and understanding since I had whined on his shoulder many a night before hand.
“I didn’t think that you would come back” Seth spoke up finally as he continued to stare up at me with eyes so full of sadness and fear.
“No…that’s your department” I rushed out angrily before I had a chance to think about what I should have said instead. However…it was how I felt so I went with it.
“I deserve that” He replied sadly…swallowing hard before attempting to continue again…but his emotions got the best of him and all I got was him opening and closing his mouth several times before the tears took over.
“I’m sorry…I shouldn‘t have said that. It was mean and unfair and I probably scared the shit out of you that night or worse yet pushed you into something that you weren‘t ready for” I stammered on my own emotions as I fell to the bed beside him…pulling him into my arms in a sense of desperate comfort.
“No…no…” He sniffled…pulling away from me as he laid his hand upon my cheek. “That night was amazing and I never wanted it to end…but I got scared and I panicked…leaving you alone and then I didn’t call because I wasn’t sure what I was feeling…but I know what I am feeling now Ryan” His words were this huge run on sentence…but I understood ever word.
“What…what are you feeling now?” I asked…hopeful and yet…heartbroken and frightened all rolled into one.
“I love you” He said matter of fatly as if I should have known the answer despite all that had happened
I couldn’t help but laugh at his antics…because it was perfect Seth Cohen. I didn’t need to hear anymore as I lunged forward and stole a quick kiss…stealing another when he didn’t put up any resistance. We made love again that night…and I waited to see if he would leave deep into the night like he had done the last time…but he never did. Instead he stayed by my side the entire time…including the funeral. By then we had worked out most of the guidelines of our relationship…some I was happy with…others I was not…but I was willing to settle at the time. It was great at the beginning…but it’s far from great anymore
End Flashback…
TBC...
Seth and I had been close from the very beginning. It was like we completed each other in a way that we could never had been before. It wasn’t sexual…not at first…but just the idea that knowing someone loved and cared for you because of you and who you truly were. I think that there was always something special between Seth and I…some spark of sexual tension but at the time we were trying to play the role of hetro teenager to the max. Seth was dating Summer on and off throughout the years with a few others thrown into the mix as well. I was dating Marissa…more off then on and as aggravating as it could be…it truly never upset me in the way that it should. I couldn’t admit it then…but I had Seth and as long as he accepted me into his life and was there for me when I needed him and he allowed me to be there for him…it was all the I needed.
Life after high school was a dramatic turn for us in that we weren’t together as much as we used to be…and each of us was miserable for it. Seth decided to go to college close to home…where I received a full scholarship to one of the top architectural schools in the country…which happened to be in New York City. It was a tough decision to make and many hours were spent brooding and sulking about it…but eventually I made the decision that would change our lives forever. Seth wouldn’t speak to me the entire two weeks before my flight towards a new life without him and the Cohen support system. I knew that I should have been more excited about moving on with my life as I tried to make a name for myself…but all I kept thinking about was not having Seth by my side and it was the beginning of a downward spiral for me. The day I was set to leave I had tried to talk to Seth on several occasions…but he had locked himself in his room and he was refusing to come out. I was dismayed and upset that I had to say my goodbyes through a wooden door…but I wanted him to know how much he meant to me and how much I would miss him while I was gone. The entire trip to the airport I had to fight back the tears that were floating behind the lids of my eyes as Kirsten rubbed my back in a soothing motherly manner. “He’ll come around Ryan…just give him time” She whispered against my ear before kissing me lovingly upon the cheek. I couldn’t say anything as I seemed to have lost the ability to speak…so I nodded in response as she and Sandy hugged me goodbye and sent me onward with love and well wishes of luck. I felt as if my world was ending when in fact it should have been starting as I once again was hit with the reality that Seth and I were possibly at the end of our road of friendship.
“Ryan wait…” I heard his voice cry out to me as he raced into the lobby of the airport…bypassing his grinning parents before falling into my arms. “I’m sorry man…so sorry” I clutched him against my body as close as I dared…eyes closed because I knew it would be months…maybe even longer before I got the chance to see him again. “I love you man…remember that”
“Me too…” Was my strangled reply as I dropped my bags to the floor…throwing caution to the wind as I hugged him even tighter. “Miss you…” I rushed out…pulling back as I stared deep into his dark eyes. It was at the very moment that the very first of what would become many urges overcame me. I longed to twine my fingers through his hair and pull him to me until my mouth was ravaging his mouth. I wanted to run my hands all over his geeky body in a way that hetro boys should not want to be doing at all. I wanted to claim him as mine…right there in the middle of that airport…but instead I stepped back quickly…grabbed my bags and practically ran for the plane.
As expected it was several months before we saw each other again and even now it shocks me as to just how much I missed not having him in my life. It was during this time that I had my first homosexual experience with another man…my roommate to be exact…but something about that experience just didn’t feel right. Don’t get me wrong because I knew that I was gay…I had basically accepted it without much warrant…but it felt wrong to be having sex with another man and that man not being Seth. It was sad and it was pathetic but I longed for him in ways that friends should not long for other friends. We would talk on the phone for hours nightly and afterwards I would jerk myself off to the sound and the mental pictures in my head. I wanted Seth…there was no denying it and despite the fact that I had no idea how he felt about me…I was planning on doing something about it.
I got my chance that first winter break as he…myself…Marissa and Summer all met up in Aspen for some fun and skiing. He and Summer had just recently split up before that trip and as usual he was his normal sulking self. I tried everything to cheer him up…even though it was killing me in the process to do so…but nothing worked. Giving up I went and spent the afternoon with Marissa as we hit the slopes for some fun on our own. I was exhausted as I made my way back to the room I was sharing with Seth hours later…intending to take a warm shower before taking a much needed nap. As expected I found Seth laying across his bed brooding like nothing I had ever seen before. “Have a good time?” I heard him ask me as I struggled out of my winter clothes and there was no denying the anger and irritation in his voice.
“Yeah…Marissa’s a great ski instructor” I replied…laying my clothes across the end of my bed before taking my leave into the bathroom. I heard him mumbling something incoherent…but I figured that it was typical Cohen and jumped into the shower as I tried to come up with some way to cheer up the man that I still harbored such feelings for. I had wanted to try and explain my feelings for Seth on that trip…but I knew it would be a mute point seeing as he was still head over heels in love with Summer. Minutes later I entered the room draped in a towel…once again finding Seth stretched out across his bed…staring at me in a way that expressed just how angry he was at me. “What’s your problem now Seth?” I asked…irritation dripping from my own words as I rooted around my suitcase for a pair of clean clothes.
“You…you are my problem Ryan Atwood” He belted out…jumping off of the bed while my back was turned to him before spinning me around to face him. “We’ve been planning this trip for months now. It was supposed to be a time for us to hang out and get connected once again…and yet all you can do is think about Marissa. Boy…some things never change do they?” He went on with his triad…the grip on my arm getting tighter and tighter with each sentence. I didn’t know what his problem was but by the anger that he was directing at me…I knew that it had more to do with then Summer and Marissa.
“Are you fucking kidding me” I yelled back in his face. “You’ve been pouting like a spoiled brat in this room since we got here. I’ve tried everything to get you to spend time with us…but you preferred to sit up here and sulk” I knew that he was shocked at my words of anger…but what he didn’t know was they were words of frustration more then anything. “If you recall I didn’t even want Marissa and Summer to come. You invited them” I jerked my arm out of his hand…pushing him in the chest as I took a step forward into his personal space. “This was supposed to be a time for just the two of us…but you ruined it…like you always ruin everything”
“OMG…you’re still in love with her” He blurted out of nowhere…which only set my frustration level even higher.
“What?” I cried out in fully anger mode. “I don’t fucking love her…I never did. There is only one person that I love Seth…and that person is you” The words escaped my lips before I had a chance to stop them as he stood before me wide eyed and in full shock. I was in shock myself because I could not believe that I had finally uttered the words that had been laying across my heart for too many years before hand. “Seth…I’m…” But I didn’t finish what I had intended to say because I decided that I had basically screwed things up between the two of us already…why not finish the task.
Grabbing him by the neck…I pulled him forward before covering his unmoving lips with my own. He didn’t even twitch a muscle for a whole moment as the world around me crumbled at my feet…but as I was pulling away he did something I never would have excepted as he grabbed onto my neck and kissed me instead. It started out as a simple kiss…just us pressing our lips together but then the need for more over took me as I wrapped my free arm around his waist and went in for the full treatment. He opened his mouth to me without question…our bodies pressed so close together that we could feel each others erections rubbing against each others. I couldn’t believe that my dream was finally coming true and I couldn’t have been happier about it. As the kiss continued I had visions of the two of us together and in love…because I just knew that Seth was in love with me the way that I was with him. Somehow we ended up on the bed…still kissing as if there were no tomorrow as our hands began to explore new and exciting territory. There was nothing careful about our first time as his clothes and my towel became nonexistent…ending up in a pile on the floor. I was on fire as I nipped and licked my way down his body…giving him what I expected to be his first blowjob.
His cries were loud and exciting as I applied the right amount of suction to his beautiful penis and it was a beautiful penis I must say again. It was long and think and circumcised to perfection. Grasping it with my hand…I began to stroke it gently as I paid special attention to his leaking head. “Jesus Ryan…” He cried out a moment later as he gave into my ministrations and filled my mouth with his manliness. I came right there on the spot…because seeing how beautiful he looked afterwards was the hottest thing I had ever seen in my life. “Whoa…that was amazing” He panted as I slide up his flushed and sweaty body. “Um…do you want me to do…”
“No…” I cut him off with a smile of contentment as I laid my head upon the same pillow he had been laying on. “I’ve already come”
“You did…but I didn’t even touch you” He exclaimed in amazement…his face red…his eyes huge with wonderment.
“You just looked so hot laying there that I couldn’t control myself. I’ve been thinking about this for such a long time and…” I stammered…trying to find the words to explain to him how much I loved him without sounding like a complete moron.
“You…you’ve been thinking about me…like this?” He asked in astonishment but before I could answer he grabbed onto my neck and captured my lips under his once again. The rest of the afternoon and most of the evening was spent kissing and exploring each other bodies…ending up with Seth on his knees in the shower afterwards as he gave me such a mind blowing blow job. After wards we laid in my bed…holding onto each other in complete and utter silence. We both had a lot to think about…even more so to talk about but I knew that it wasn’t the right time just yet. I just wanted to enjoy the moment…enjoy the silence and then Seth opened his mouth and broke my heart for the first time that night. “Ryan…we can’t tell anyone about this” He said quietly…but I heard every word…even the underlying tones of fear that were present.
“I know…” I replied…snuggling as close to his body as I dared as I pretended to fall asleep. I watched him sneak out of our room hours later and it was another several months before I spoke or had seen him again.
There was no communication between us whatsoever after that glorious night…but it was for lack of trying on both of our parts. I really didn’t know what was going through Seth’s mind…but I had an idea. He was afraid…more like petrified of giving into his urges for me. He was afraid of what people would say and would think because despite the fact that he liked and still likes to think that other people’s opinions don’t matter…for him they truly do. I on the other hand was miserable and felt as if I were falling apart. I began to fall back into my Chino ways…almost getting expelled when I was accused of breaking into the science department and spay painting all the walls with graffiti. I was guilty and Sandy knew I was guilty and yet he flew all the way to New York to plead my case before the disciplinary committee. Afterwards…with a two month probationary period to add to all my troubles…Sandy and I truly talked. He wanted to know what was going on between Seth and I…because he was apparently just as fucked up at I was. I refused to tell him all the details…only that he and I were growing apart in ways that he would never understand. He didn’t question me any further after that…just nodded his head…saying that he understood more then I thought he knew before flying back to California.
I decided to get my life back on track as I fell seriously into my studies as well as breaking away from the crowd that I had gotten into all that trouble with. I wasn’t happy…far from it…but I was content enough to move on with my life without Seth in it. It had been several months since I had spoken to or seen Seth and then one night there was a knock at my dorm room door and there he was just standing there. “Hey…” He replied shyly…kicking nervously at the door frame before finding a fascination with the floor.
“What are you doing here Seth?” I asked…forgoing the fake sentiment of greetings.
“I’m so sorry Ryan…” He cried out as he threw himself into my arms. I could hear the sobs of pain as he burrowed even further into my stunned embrace…could feel the wetness of his tears as they blended into my shirt. “She’s gone Ryan…” He sniffled…setting away from me once he felt that he had himself under enough control. “Marissa…she’s gone” He really didn’t have to say her name because I knew that it was her that he was speaking before he even had a chance.
“How?” Was all I could utter…standing before him numb and unmoving from the shock of it.
“She was driving under the influence…she lost control and crashed into a median. She died on the scene” He replied as he once again pulled my stiff frame into his arms…but I was in too much shock to feel it. “I wanted to be the one that told you…and to also tell you how sorry I was for being such an ass that night” He tried to defend his actions…but I couldn’t deal with it at that moment as I pushed him away and practically ran for the door. I could hear him calling out to me afterwards…but I ignored him as I ran as fast as my legs could carry me.
It was hours later that I returned to my dorm and found my roommate comforting Seth as they sat on my bed together. “I’ll leave you two alone” Jonathon said sadly as he took his leaving…squeezing me upon the shoulder in a show of support and understanding since I had whined on his shoulder many a night before hand.
“I didn’t think that you would come back” Seth spoke up finally as he continued to stare up at me with eyes so full of sadness and fear.
“No…that’s your department” I rushed out angrily before I had a chance to think about what I should have said instead. However…it was how I felt so I went with it.
“I deserve that” He replied sadly…swallowing hard before attempting to continue again…but his emotions got the best of him and all I got was him opening and closing his mouth several times before the tears took over.
“I’m sorry…I shouldn‘t have said that. It was mean and unfair and I probably scared the shit out of you that night or worse yet pushed you into something that you weren‘t ready for” I stammered on my own emotions as I fell to the bed beside him…pulling him into my arms in a sense of desperate comfort.
“No…no…” He sniffled…pulling away from me as he laid his hand upon my cheek. “That night was amazing and I never wanted it to end…but I got scared and I panicked…leaving you alone and then I didn’t call because I wasn’t sure what I was feeling…but I know what I am feeling now Ryan” His words were this huge run on sentence…but I understood ever word.
“What…what are you feeling now?” I asked…hopeful and yet…heartbroken and frightened all rolled into one.
“I love you” He said matter of fatly as if I should have known the answer despite all that had happened
I couldn’t help but laugh at his antics…because it was perfect Seth Cohen. I didn’t need to hear anymore as I lunged forward and stole a quick kiss…stealing another when he didn’t put up any resistance. We made love again that night…and I waited to see if he would leave deep into the night like he had done the last time…but he never did. Instead he stayed by my side the entire time…including the funeral. By then we had worked out most of the guidelines of our relationship…some I was happy with…others I was not…but I was willing to settle at the time. It was great at the beginning…but it’s far from great anymore
End Flashback…
TBC...
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Island Breeze
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StormyBear30
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Conclusion...
“Ryan…Ryan…” He cries out…jerking me from my thoughts of the past as I look to my left and find him standing before the unopened door. He’s wearing the Armani suit that he knows looks good on him. It fits his body to perfection and usually without fail gets my body rocking…but not today. Today it only serves to annoy me even more then I already am because I know what he is doing. He knows that I love the way that he looks in that suit…and he knows how upset I am with him and as usual he will stop at nothing to try and get me to change my mind and forgive him. “The doors locked…” He goes on as I debate leaving his stubborn ass in the dust…but I think better of it as I press the power button and watch as he enters the cab of my truck. “I figured you’d have left me in the dust” He laughs…not knowing how close to the truth that he is. Instead I don’t say a word as I back out of the driveway and head off towards his parents home for brunch.
“Is this how it’s going to be the entire day?” He asks as he looks over at me with irritation so clearly in his eyes.
“Depends on you now doesn’t it?” I retort…just as irritated as I take my eyes off of the road for just a brief second.
“Jesus Ryan…why is this such a big deal to you? Isn’t it enough that I came out to my parents about you…now you want me to come out to all our former classmates at our ten year reunion” I hear him whine as I slam on the brakes and pull the car off to the side of the freeway.
“You came out to your parents?” I bit back…well past the point of anger this time. “Your father had already figured things out between us long before we ever did and your mother walked into your dorm room and find us with my dick up your ass. Even after that you ran like a little girl…leaving me to deal with the aftermath. I was the one that had to explain everything to her. I was the one that she didn’t talk to for months afterwards because she felt that I was forcing you to be someone that you weren’t. The fact is Seth that every time that you have had the chance to defend or speak up about our relationship…you bolt. You leave me to do the dirty work so to speak…and I’m not going to do that anymore”
“Ryan…I love…” He tries to speak but I cut him off.
“You love me…yes I know. You say it quite often lately…but I don’t know if I truly believe it anymore. Your actions speak louder then words Seth and they tell me that you are ashamed of me….of us They tell me that you would rather deny that we have been together for the last eight years as a couple to a bunch of people from high school…who made your life a living hell I might remind you. It’s more important that you worry about them then the man that you claim to love. This is it Seth…this is the last straw. You deny us again and I won’t be coming back home with you tonight” I declare and despite the fact that it is breaking my heart in half…I mean every word that I have said.
Brunch is quiet as we sit around the table eating bagels. I know that they can feel the tension in the air since neither one of us has said one word to each other since we’ve gotten here…but I don’t care any longer. I’m tired of this same fight…this same on going battle that I can’t seem to overcome. I’m mentally exhausted at always being the better person and looking the other way when Seth gets like this…but I can’t anymore. I can’t take the anguish…the frustration and the pain in that he has no clue how this affects me. To him its natural to deny who he is and what we have…when for me I want to declare it from the rooftops to anyone that might listen. It’s been this way from the very beginning and although I love Seth with my entire heart and soul…I now see that there won’t be a happy ending for the two of us if this continues.
“Is there something that you two want to talk about?” I hear Seth’s father ask as he looks between the two of us…concern written across his aging face.
I don’t have anything to say to that as I take a sip of water from my glass and avoid eye contact at all cost with everyone at the table. However…Seth is more then willing to once again pin the blame on me…which is something that he does quite often lately. “It’s nothing…just Ryan acting all Chino again” He says with no afterthought as he digs into his second bagel. I literally want to cry as my heart finally takes its final blow at his blatant remark.
“You know what Seth…” I cry out…slamming the water glass upon the table so hard that it breaks into tiny pieces. “Fuck you…” I speak through my anger as I push away from the table. “That’s it…I’m done. I can’t…I won’t do this anymore” I continue as I look between Sandy and Kirsten. “The fact is that Seth refuses to acknowledge who or what we are. He’s content to live in his perfect little bubble…loving me and the life that we share…but at the same time ashamed about it as well. In the eight years that we have been together he has never once declared to anyone that I even exist as more then his friend. He treats me as if I am some long hidden and horrible secret that he must hide form the entire world. He may be happy living in his world of pretend…but I’m not. I love you Seth…” I turn to face him…my world shattering all around me…but I refuse to give in this time. “I’ve loved you for more years then I can remember and I have looked past this time and time again…but I can’t anymore. I refuse to live this secret that you expect me to live behind…and it kills me that you even expect me to. So I will make this easy for you. I will be the bad guy and take the entire blame…but I want out. I don’t want to do this anymore and I don’t want to be with you anymore. I need to move on with my life and maybe find someone that isn’t afraid of loving me in the open. I’ll move my stuff out of your house…since you have no qualms of reminding me that you are the one that pays for it continually. I’m sorry…but I just can’t live like this anymore”
He doesn’t even come after me as I race out of the house that I spent the best couple of years of my young life growing up in…but I knew that he wouldn’t. I don’t even see her until we are both on the ground and once I realize who it is…I lose it completely.
“Jesus Ryan…you’re a mess” I hear Summer speak…helping me up off the ground as I lean against my truck for support. I can’t talk…but she doesn’t give me a chance to as she practically pushes me into my truck…grabbing the keys from my hand as she gets behind the wheel. Now Normally I would have fought her tooth and nail because no one…not even Seth is allowed to drive my truck…but this time I have no energy to fight her. “Come on…” She says…tugging on my jacket sleeve as she slides out of the truck a few minutes later…waiting for me to do the same before we walk silently towards the beach. No words a spoken for a few moments as we sit on the near empty beach staring out into the rolling surf. “You going to tell me what he did now?” She asks…turning to face me as I continue to stare outwards.
“Who?” I pretend not to know who she is talking about.
“Ryan…I know a Seth induced state when I see it. Trust me I lived through my share of those when we were dating” She says with a small giggle as she lays her hand upon my shoulder in support. “You can tell me you know”
“I know…” I reply with a shake of my head. For a few minutes we just sit there again in silence as I try to put into words the way that my heart is broken in half and why it is that I’ve allowed it to get to this point. “It’s over…” I rush out…taking a deep breath as I once again feel the urge to break down.
“I figured…” She responds…the hand upon my shoulder squeezing a bit. “Still huh?” I know that she already knows what its about…because everyone close to us knows it’s a problem between us.
“Yeah…” I sniffle…closing my eyes as a truck load of emotions roll over me once again…like the surf before us.
“What the fuck is his problem? I mean when we were dating he couldn’t wait to tell everyone about us and now…” She stops short as I look over at her in shock. “Oh sorry Ryan…this isn’t helping is it?”
“Not really…” I laugh and it feels good to laugh for a moment…but it doesn’t last long. “He still refuses to acknowledge us…even after all this time. He acts like I want to fuck him in the middle of the floor as our classmates stand around us…but that’s far from what I want” I explain…because Seth’s refusal to admit that we are more then friends at our upcoming ten year reunion is eating away at my very soul.
“I guess that I don’t understand then…” She speaks confused as I give her a side glance before turning back to the choppy surf.
“I just don’t want him to freak if I come near him. I want to be able to look at him and not have to watch as his eyes dart around the room in fear that someone might suspect something. I want to be able to share small touches and not have him jump out of his skin as if I have the plague. I just want to be as much as a normal couple as the next person…but he can’t…or won’t even consider it. He’s more worried about the feelings of people who hated him and the person that he was back then…then worrying about the man who has loved him for who he is from the beginning”
“I can’t believe that he’s being such a bonehead about this” She sighs on a breath of frustrated air. “Well…we’d better get going. Drinks start being served at four” She says as she gets up off of the ground and dusts herself off.
“I’m not going to the reunion” I speak adamantly…but I know that it’s a lost cause without saying another word as she grabs a handful of hair and yanks me off the beach. “Now…I want you to act as if nothing has happened. If Cohen wants to act like an ass and just let you walk out of his life then we won’t give him the satisfaction of letting him know how it is affecting you” I want to laugh at her words but the lumped lodged within my throat won’t allow it as I nod in response before climbing out of the cab of my truck once we reach the reunion. I dread going in there…dread coming face to face with those people whom I hated with a passion during my high school years. However…what I dread more in running into Seth. “Come on…” She says as she takes my hand and leads me inside.
The reunion is already in full swing as we enter the building and find the noise loud with laughter and chatter…the drinks already flowing all around us. “I don’t want to do this” I say as I try to dislodge my hand from the grip that she has on it…but again I know a lost cause when I see one as she drags me further inside.
“Summer Roberts and Ryan Atwood” I hear her speak to a women sitting at a desk handing out name tags. They swap idle chitchat as I place the tag on my jacket and survey the room. I find him without much effort across the room as he stands around with some of the jocks from high school…looking uncomfortable and ill at ease and despite the fact that I want to go and rescue him I fight that urge out of anger. It’s what he’s been looking forward to since the day we graduated high school…being given the chance to rub in their faces what a success he is…but as I continue to watch him I can see the old scared and gawky Seth that I used to know standing there instead. He looks up for a moment and our eyes lock. He smiles at me…his eyes lighting up for a moment the way that they always do when he looks at me…but then that smile and light disappear and a scowl replaces it. “Ignore him…” Summer says as she once again takes captive of my hand and leads me around the room.
We stop a talk to a few people from our past before finding a place to sit at an empty table. She excuses herself a moment later…leaving me alone and miserable…but not for long. “Chino…I don’t believe it” I hear a familiar voice laugh behind me as I turn and find Luke standing behind me.
“Luke…what the hell are you doing here? You didn‘t graduate from here” I grin at him…forgetting about my troubles for a moment as I get up off the chair and share a manly hug with him.
“I know…but I’m married to Mandy Richards now and well she did” He laughs…patting me on the back as he takes the seat Summer was sitting in. “Besides did you think that I would miss this. Jesus…can you believe that it’s been ten years already” He laughs…indicating to the waiter to bring us two beers.
“Feels like ages ago” I sigh…catching a glimpse of Seth being led around the room by that same group of jocks.
“Shit…Cohen looks so different” He states astonished as he watches him interact with the popular crowd. “But I guess starting your own comic book empire and making millions will do that to you”
“Yeah…and that Armani suit doesn’t hurt either” I reply before I have a chance to realize what I’ve just said. “Um…I mean…” I stammer as Luke pulls his eyes from Seth and narrows them on me.
“I figured that it would have happened sooner or later” He speak nonchalantly…taking the beers from the waiter as he approaches…placing one in front of me. “You and Seth…always saw it coming” He goes on…sipping his beer as he continues to look at me. “I take it that you two are no longer together then?” He asks and as much as I want to lie to Luke…I don’t.
“No…I ended it this morning” I speak sadly…my eyes darting around the room as I try to control the onset of tears once again.
“Just this morning…Jesus how long have you two been together?” He asks…his mouth hanging open.
“Eight years…” I reply matter of factly…sipping my own beer as I take a final look at the man looking at me out of the corner of his eyes from across the room.
“Holy shit…what the hell happened?” He asks once again in astonishment as he gapes at me as if I have grown two heads. “I mean…if you want to talk about it man” I do want to talk about it as I regale him with everything that has happened since he left Newport all those years ago. “You want me to take him out back and beat some sense into him?” He laughs as he down his second beer of the evening…causing me to laugh as well.
“Yeah…” I laugh myself…finishing off my first.
“Well…I’m really sorry man. But if Seth Cohen can’t see what a great guy you are then fuck him” He spouts off quite loudly as the people around us look at us questioningly. “Sorry…” he giggles. “But it serves the little bastard right”
“I couldn’t agree with you more” Summer pipes up behind him…finally showing up out of nowhere. “I say that we make him regret letting this hunk go. Luke…” She beams as she gives him a friendly hug before turning back towards me. “So…where do we start?”
“You can start by keeping your voice down…the two of you” I snap at them both under my breath. “Making a scene won’t change anything. Seth and I are through…end of discussion. Luke…it’s been great seeing you again. Summer…I’ll see you at the office on Monday”
“Monday at the office?” I hear Luke repeat as I walk away. “You work for Ryan?”
“Yep…four years now” I hear her reply…but I don’t hear the rest as I exit the building and as far away from Seth as I can. I don’t want to go home…but then I remember that its not home anymore as I pull into a hotel parking lot.
It’s been two days since I ended things between Seth and I…two days since my world has basically ended and although I know that it had to be done I am completely miserable. I haven’t been able to sleep right since the night of our fight and I’ve basically have shut out the rest of the world because of it. My cell phone has been ringing off the hook…my message box full…but I don’t care. I don’t want to hear from the people who are concerned about me…because right now I don’t give a shit enough to even care about me. I never would have thought that me…a guy from Chino would ever have fallen in love so deeply with another person…but here I am today and he fills my entire universe. I have no idea how I am going to get through this…or if I even can but I know that I have to at least try. I have to move on with me life…if it’s even possible without him in it. Pushing all thoughts of Seth and how fucked up my life has become I decide to take a much needed shower and down many cups of hot coffee before doing what I am dreading to do today.
My stomach is a mess…the many cups of hot coffee swirling around angrily in there and yet I know that it’s not only the bad coffee…but my overwhelming emotions as well. I can only stare at the house that we have shared for the last few years as once again…for the hundredth time I try to control the tears of pain that want to rain down my face. However…I know that I have to do this…even if I know it is on the sly because I don’t think that I can face him just yet. Closing my eyes and willing myself forward I walk into the house and mentally prepare myself for moving out. The house is stone silent and it only makes this much harder as I grab a suit case out of the hall closet and make my way into the bedroom…coming face to face with Seth as he walks out of the bathroom. “Ryan…” He cries out with a smile on his face…but then it is gone as notices the suitcase in my hand. “So your really going through with it? You‘re really going to just end everything that we have built together for these past eight years? It‘s really that easy for you to just let me go…just like that?”
“Do I look like this is easy” I cry out…throwing the suitcase in my hand on the floor as I turn to face him. “I haven’t slept in days…because I can’t sleep without you wrapped around me. I can’t eat…because I miss the fun we have as we cook. I find joy in nothing that I try to do because I can’t stop thinking about you. Trust me Seth…there is nothing easy about what’s going on between you and I”
He looks admonished as he hangs his head as if in shame and walks over towards the bed…sitting down. “I just can’t believe that its come to this. That after all the years that we have been through together that its over…just like that. I truly do love you Ryan and for the record I always will. But…I understand why you have to do this and I just want you to know how sorry I am that it came to this and that I know its all my fault”
My broken heart is breaking even more as I kick the suitcase out of my way and make haste for the door. “I can’t do this right now” I speak through my tears as I run down the stairs in hopes of reaching the door before I have a full and total melt down.
“Ryan wait…” He cries out after me as I reach for the knob…ready to bolt like a bat out of hell. I don’t intend to stop but his words are urgent and tearful and I know that I can’t go forward even if I wanted to. “I told them…the entire graduating class…they all know” He goes on sounding redundant…but I don’t care as I stand at the door in blind shock and then anger.
“Is this how you really want to end things?” I yell out in accusing tones as I turn to face him. “With lies…” I can’t believe that he is stooping this far…but then again I know that I would probably do the same thing if the shoe were on the other foot so to speak.
“Ask Summer…Luke…anyone. They will all tell you” He defends…making his way down the stairs as he stands before me.
“Why didn’t you tell me when I first got here then?” I ask…wanting to believe him but finding it extremely hard to.
“I didn’t want you to think that the only reason that I did it was so I wouldn’t lose you. I figured that I would try and come up with some other way to make you love me again…to want to be with me again. But…but…” He stammers…tears pouring down his angled cheeks as I resist the urge to pull him into my arms. “But…I can’t let you go without knowing. Look Ryan…I can’t tell you why I was so afraid for so long…but I know now how stupid it was and how much I hurt you in the process. I don’t know how you put up with it for so long…but I am begging you to give me another chance. Please Ryan…just tell you that you can love me once again the way that you once did” He falls apart right before my very eyes and this time I don’t resist the urge to touch him as I pull him into my arms and brace him against my body.
I never stopped loving you Cohen…” I chuckle against his ear as my tears mix with his tears. “I could never stop loving you Seth” I speak words of the purest truth because there is no way that I could ever stop loving him.
“I love you…” Seth cries out…wrapping his arms so tightly around my neck that he stops me from breathing…but I don’t care. “I love you…I love you…I love you…” He repeats over and over again as I smile against his neck…hoping that he never stops saying it…because I will never get tired of hearing it. I know that he and I still have a lot to work out…know that there is still some anger on my part for allowing this problem to get so far out of control…but I do know one thing and that is that we will get through it. It’s as I’ve said before…Seth and I complete each other in ways that even I can’t understand and in truth…I don’t want to.
The End…
“Is this how it’s going to be the entire day?” He asks as he looks over at me with irritation so clearly in his eyes.
“Depends on you now doesn’t it?” I retort…just as irritated as I take my eyes off of the road for just a brief second.
“Jesus Ryan…why is this such a big deal to you? Isn’t it enough that I came out to my parents about you…now you want me to come out to all our former classmates at our ten year reunion” I hear him whine as I slam on the brakes and pull the car off to the side of the freeway.
“You came out to your parents?” I bit back…well past the point of anger this time. “Your father had already figured things out between us long before we ever did and your mother walked into your dorm room and find us with my dick up your ass. Even after that you ran like a little girl…leaving me to deal with the aftermath. I was the one that had to explain everything to her. I was the one that she didn’t talk to for months afterwards because she felt that I was forcing you to be someone that you weren’t. The fact is Seth that every time that you have had the chance to defend or speak up about our relationship…you bolt. You leave me to do the dirty work so to speak…and I’m not going to do that anymore”
“Ryan…I love…” He tries to speak but I cut him off.
“You love me…yes I know. You say it quite often lately…but I don’t know if I truly believe it anymore. Your actions speak louder then words Seth and they tell me that you are ashamed of me….of us They tell me that you would rather deny that we have been together for the last eight years as a couple to a bunch of people from high school…who made your life a living hell I might remind you. It’s more important that you worry about them then the man that you claim to love. This is it Seth…this is the last straw. You deny us again and I won’t be coming back home with you tonight” I declare and despite the fact that it is breaking my heart in half…I mean every word that I have said.
Brunch is quiet as we sit around the table eating bagels. I know that they can feel the tension in the air since neither one of us has said one word to each other since we’ve gotten here…but I don’t care any longer. I’m tired of this same fight…this same on going battle that I can’t seem to overcome. I’m mentally exhausted at always being the better person and looking the other way when Seth gets like this…but I can’t anymore. I can’t take the anguish…the frustration and the pain in that he has no clue how this affects me. To him its natural to deny who he is and what we have…when for me I want to declare it from the rooftops to anyone that might listen. It’s been this way from the very beginning and although I love Seth with my entire heart and soul…I now see that there won’t be a happy ending for the two of us if this continues.
“Is there something that you two want to talk about?” I hear Seth’s father ask as he looks between the two of us…concern written across his aging face.
I don’t have anything to say to that as I take a sip of water from my glass and avoid eye contact at all cost with everyone at the table. However…Seth is more then willing to once again pin the blame on me…which is something that he does quite often lately. “It’s nothing…just Ryan acting all Chino again” He says with no afterthought as he digs into his second bagel. I literally want to cry as my heart finally takes its final blow at his blatant remark.
“You know what Seth…” I cry out…slamming the water glass upon the table so hard that it breaks into tiny pieces. “Fuck you…” I speak through my anger as I push away from the table. “That’s it…I’m done. I can’t…I won’t do this anymore” I continue as I look between Sandy and Kirsten. “The fact is that Seth refuses to acknowledge who or what we are. He’s content to live in his perfect little bubble…loving me and the life that we share…but at the same time ashamed about it as well. In the eight years that we have been together he has never once declared to anyone that I even exist as more then his friend. He treats me as if I am some long hidden and horrible secret that he must hide form the entire world. He may be happy living in his world of pretend…but I’m not. I love you Seth…” I turn to face him…my world shattering all around me…but I refuse to give in this time. “I’ve loved you for more years then I can remember and I have looked past this time and time again…but I can’t anymore. I refuse to live this secret that you expect me to live behind…and it kills me that you even expect me to. So I will make this easy for you. I will be the bad guy and take the entire blame…but I want out. I don’t want to do this anymore and I don’t want to be with you anymore. I need to move on with my life and maybe find someone that isn’t afraid of loving me in the open. I’ll move my stuff out of your house…since you have no qualms of reminding me that you are the one that pays for it continually. I’m sorry…but I just can’t live like this anymore”
He doesn’t even come after me as I race out of the house that I spent the best couple of years of my young life growing up in…but I knew that he wouldn’t. I don’t even see her until we are both on the ground and once I realize who it is…I lose it completely.
“Jesus Ryan…you’re a mess” I hear Summer speak…helping me up off the ground as I lean against my truck for support. I can’t talk…but she doesn’t give me a chance to as she practically pushes me into my truck…grabbing the keys from my hand as she gets behind the wheel. Now Normally I would have fought her tooth and nail because no one…not even Seth is allowed to drive my truck…but this time I have no energy to fight her. “Come on…” She says…tugging on my jacket sleeve as she slides out of the truck a few minutes later…waiting for me to do the same before we walk silently towards the beach. No words a spoken for a few moments as we sit on the near empty beach staring out into the rolling surf. “You going to tell me what he did now?” She asks…turning to face me as I continue to stare outwards.
“Who?” I pretend not to know who she is talking about.
“Ryan…I know a Seth induced state when I see it. Trust me I lived through my share of those when we were dating” She says with a small giggle as she lays her hand upon my shoulder in support. “You can tell me you know”
“I know…” I reply with a shake of my head. For a few minutes we just sit there again in silence as I try to put into words the way that my heart is broken in half and why it is that I’ve allowed it to get to this point. “It’s over…” I rush out…taking a deep breath as I once again feel the urge to break down.
“I figured…” She responds…the hand upon my shoulder squeezing a bit. “Still huh?” I know that she already knows what its about…because everyone close to us knows it’s a problem between us.
“Yeah…” I sniffle…closing my eyes as a truck load of emotions roll over me once again…like the surf before us.
“What the fuck is his problem? I mean when we were dating he couldn’t wait to tell everyone about us and now…” She stops short as I look over at her in shock. “Oh sorry Ryan…this isn’t helping is it?”
“Not really…” I laugh and it feels good to laugh for a moment…but it doesn’t last long. “He still refuses to acknowledge us…even after all this time. He acts like I want to fuck him in the middle of the floor as our classmates stand around us…but that’s far from what I want” I explain…because Seth’s refusal to admit that we are more then friends at our upcoming ten year reunion is eating away at my very soul.
“I guess that I don’t understand then…” She speaks confused as I give her a side glance before turning back to the choppy surf.
“I just don’t want him to freak if I come near him. I want to be able to look at him and not have to watch as his eyes dart around the room in fear that someone might suspect something. I want to be able to share small touches and not have him jump out of his skin as if I have the plague. I just want to be as much as a normal couple as the next person…but he can’t…or won’t even consider it. He’s more worried about the feelings of people who hated him and the person that he was back then…then worrying about the man who has loved him for who he is from the beginning”
“I can’t believe that he’s being such a bonehead about this” She sighs on a breath of frustrated air. “Well…we’d better get going. Drinks start being served at four” She says as she gets up off of the ground and dusts herself off.
“I’m not going to the reunion” I speak adamantly…but I know that it’s a lost cause without saying another word as she grabs a handful of hair and yanks me off the beach. “Now…I want you to act as if nothing has happened. If Cohen wants to act like an ass and just let you walk out of his life then we won’t give him the satisfaction of letting him know how it is affecting you” I want to laugh at her words but the lumped lodged within my throat won’t allow it as I nod in response before climbing out of the cab of my truck once we reach the reunion. I dread going in there…dread coming face to face with those people whom I hated with a passion during my high school years. However…what I dread more in running into Seth. “Come on…” She says as she takes my hand and leads me inside.
The reunion is already in full swing as we enter the building and find the noise loud with laughter and chatter…the drinks already flowing all around us. “I don’t want to do this” I say as I try to dislodge my hand from the grip that she has on it…but again I know a lost cause when I see one as she drags me further inside.
“Summer Roberts and Ryan Atwood” I hear her speak to a women sitting at a desk handing out name tags. They swap idle chitchat as I place the tag on my jacket and survey the room. I find him without much effort across the room as he stands around with some of the jocks from high school…looking uncomfortable and ill at ease and despite the fact that I want to go and rescue him I fight that urge out of anger. It’s what he’s been looking forward to since the day we graduated high school…being given the chance to rub in their faces what a success he is…but as I continue to watch him I can see the old scared and gawky Seth that I used to know standing there instead. He looks up for a moment and our eyes lock. He smiles at me…his eyes lighting up for a moment the way that they always do when he looks at me…but then that smile and light disappear and a scowl replaces it. “Ignore him…” Summer says as she once again takes captive of my hand and leads me around the room.
We stop a talk to a few people from our past before finding a place to sit at an empty table. She excuses herself a moment later…leaving me alone and miserable…but not for long. “Chino…I don’t believe it” I hear a familiar voice laugh behind me as I turn and find Luke standing behind me.
“Luke…what the hell are you doing here? You didn‘t graduate from here” I grin at him…forgetting about my troubles for a moment as I get up off the chair and share a manly hug with him.
“I know…but I’m married to Mandy Richards now and well she did” He laughs…patting me on the back as he takes the seat Summer was sitting in. “Besides did you think that I would miss this. Jesus…can you believe that it’s been ten years already” He laughs…indicating to the waiter to bring us two beers.
“Feels like ages ago” I sigh…catching a glimpse of Seth being led around the room by that same group of jocks.
“Shit…Cohen looks so different” He states astonished as he watches him interact with the popular crowd. “But I guess starting your own comic book empire and making millions will do that to you”
“Yeah…and that Armani suit doesn’t hurt either” I reply before I have a chance to realize what I’ve just said. “Um…I mean…” I stammer as Luke pulls his eyes from Seth and narrows them on me.
“I figured that it would have happened sooner or later” He speak nonchalantly…taking the beers from the waiter as he approaches…placing one in front of me. “You and Seth…always saw it coming” He goes on…sipping his beer as he continues to look at me. “I take it that you two are no longer together then?” He asks and as much as I want to lie to Luke…I don’t.
“No…I ended it this morning” I speak sadly…my eyes darting around the room as I try to control the onset of tears once again.
“Just this morning…Jesus how long have you two been together?” He asks…his mouth hanging open.
“Eight years…” I reply matter of factly…sipping my own beer as I take a final look at the man looking at me out of the corner of his eyes from across the room.
“Holy shit…what the hell happened?” He asks once again in astonishment as he gapes at me as if I have grown two heads. “I mean…if you want to talk about it man” I do want to talk about it as I regale him with everything that has happened since he left Newport all those years ago. “You want me to take him out back and beat some sense into him?” He laughs as he down his second beer of the evening…causing me to laugh as well.
“Yeah…” I laugh myself…finishing off my first.
“Well…I’m really sorry man. But if Seth Cohen can’t see what a great guy you are then fuck him” He spouts off quite loudly as the people around us look at us questioningly. “Sorry…” he giggles. “But it serves the little bastard right”
“I couldn’t agree with you more” Summer pipes up behind him…finally showing up out of nowhere. “I say that we make him regret letting this hunk go. Luke…” She beams as she gives him a friendly hug before turning back towards me. “So…where do we start?”
“You can start by keeping your voice down…the two of you” I snap at them both under my breath. “Making a scene won’t change anything. Seth and I are through…end of discussion. Luke…it’s been great seeing you again. Summer…I’ll see you at the office on Monday”
“Monday at the office?” I hear Luke repeat as I walk away. “You work for Ryan?”
“Yep…four years now” I hear her reply…but I don’t hear the rest as I exit the building and as far away from Seth as I can. I don’t want to go home…but then I remember that its not home anymore as I pull into a hotel parking lot.
It’s been two days since I ended things between Seth and I…two days since my world has basically ended and although I know that it had to be done I am completely miserable. I haven’t been able to sleep right since the night of our fight and I’ve basically have shut out the rest of the world because of it. My cell phone has been ringing off the hook…my message box full…but I don’t care. I don’t want to hear from the people who are concerned about me…because right now I don’t give a shit enough to even care about me. I never would have thought that me…a guy from Chino would ever have fallen in love so deeply with another person…but here I am today and he fills my entire universe. I have no idea how I am going to get through this…or if I even can but I know that I have to at least try. I have to move on with me life…if it’s even possible without him in it. Pushing all thoughts of Seth and how fucked up my life has become I decide to take a much needed shower and down many cups of hot coffee before doing what I am dreading to do today.
My stomach is a mess…the many cups of hot coffee swirling around angrily in there and yet I know that it’s not only the bad coffee…but my overwhelming emotions as well. I can only stare at the house that we have shared for the last few years as once again…for the hundredth time I try to control the tears of pain that want to rain down my face. However…I know that I have to do this…even if I know it is on the sly because I don’t think that I can face him just yet. Closing my eyes and willing myself forward I walk into the house and mentally prepare myself for moving out. The house is stone silent and it only makes this much harder as I grab a suit case out of the hall closet and make my way into the bedroom…coming face to face with Seth as he walks out of the bathroom. “Ryan…” He cries out with a smile on his face…but then it is gone as notices the suitcase in my hand. “So your really going through with it? You‘re really going to just end everything that we have built together for these past eight years? It‘s really that easy for you to just let me go…just like that?”
“Do I look like this is easy” I cry out…throwing the suitcase in my hand on the floor as I turn to face him. “I haven’t slept in days…because I can’t sleep without you wrapped around me. I can’t eat…because I miss the fun we have as we cook. I find joy in nothing that I try to do because I can’t stop thinking about you. Trust me Seth…there is nothing easy about what’s going on between you and I”
He looks admonished as he hangs his head as if in shame and walks over towards the bed…sitting down. “I just can’t believe that its come to this. That after all the years that we have been through together that its over…just like that. I truly do love you Ryan and for the record I always will. But…I understand why you have to do this and I just want you to know how sorry I am that it came to this and that I know its all my fault”
My broken heart is breaking even more as I kick the suitcase out of my way and make haste for the door. “I can’t do this right now” I speak through my tears as I run down the stairs in hopes of reaching the door before I have a full and total melt down.
“Ryan wait…” He cries out after me as I reach for the knob…ready to bolt like a bat out of hell. I don’t intend to stop but his words are urgent and tearful and I know that I can’t go forward even if I wanted to. “I told them…the entire graduating class…they all know” He goes on sounding redundant…but I don’t care as I stand at the door in blind shock and then anger.
“Is this how you really want to end things?” I yell out in accusing tones as I turn to face him. “With lies…” I can’t believe that he is stooping this far…but then again I know that I would probably do the same thing if the shoe were on the other foot so to speak.
“Ask Summer…Luke…anyone. They will all tell you” He defends…making his way down the stairs as he stands before me.
“Why didn’t you tell me when I first got here then?” I ask…wanting to believe him but finding it extremely hard to.
“I didn’t want you to think that the only reason that I did it was so I wouldn’t lose you. I figured that I would try and come up with some other way to make you love me again…to want to be with me again. But…but…” He stammers…tears pouring down his angled cheeks as I resist the urge to pull him into my arms. “But…I can’t let you go without knowing. Look Ryan…I can’t tell you why I was so afraid for so long…but I know now how stupid it was and how much I hurt you in the process. I don’t know how you put up with it for so long…but I am begging you to give me another chance. Please Ryan…just tell you that you can love me once again the way that you once did” He falls apart right before my very eyes and this time I don’t resist the urge to touch him as I pull him into my arms and brace him against my body.
I never stopped loving you Cohen…” I chuckle against his ear as my tears mix with his tears. “I could never stop loving you Seth” I speak words of the purest truth because there is no way that I could ever stop loving him.
“I love you…” Seth cries out…wrapping his arms so tightly around my neck that he stops me from breathing…but I don’t care. “I love you…I love you…I love you…” He repeats over and over again as I smile against his neck…hoping that he never stops saying it…because I will never get tired of hearing it. I know that he and I still have a lot to work out…know that there is still some anger on my part for allowing this problem to get so far out of control…but I do know one thing and that is that we will get through it. It’s as I’ve said before…Seth and I complete each other in ways that even I can’t understand and in truth…I don’t want to.
The End…
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Island Breeze
- Feedbacking Sci Fi King
- Posts: 1791
- Joined: Sat Jul 02, 2005 11:11 pm
- Location: South Florida
