Still Holding Out For You, Teen, Complete 21/08/05

[Angelzbabe]

Title: Still Holding Out for You
Author : Angelzbabe
Rating: Teen
Disclaimer : If I owned Alex would I be wasting my time writing fanfic??? Oh, and the song belongs to SheDaisy.
Summary : Read and find out. Warning : Very likely to make you cry.....

* * * * * * * * *

Isabel walked into her room, her jacket falling to the floor as she curled up onto the bed and wept silently. It had been two weeks since Alex had……she couldn’t even think it. Her mind refused to think the word because that would mean her heart would have to accept it and she wasn’t ready. She had cried so much in the last few days that she wasn’t sure she had any tears left to cry. But then something would remind her of him and she would begin all over again. Only a few moments ago she had been sitting in the Crashdown when she had heard someone at a nearby table talking about the stars. The grief was so overwhelming that she had run out and come straight home. She wasn’t ready to face the outside world just yet.

Never thought I’d be in this place
It’s someone else’s life I’m living
Wish I were living a lie
The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn’t kiss me goodbye

There was so much they hadn’t had time to do. He had been ripped from her life long before she was ready to let him go. She wanted to do so many things with him. Not anything major, just the little things, like that video night that had never occurred. It seemed like a lifetime ago that they had been sitting together in the Crashdown, and Alex had revealed just how much he cared with the words ‘I'd do anything’. He had always been honest with her, never afraid to voice just how he was feeling. And there was so much she had never said in return. That she needed him and believed in him. Loved him.

I’m choking on the words I didn’t get to say
And pray I get the chance one day

She loved him. Present tense. To her heart it didn’t matter that he wasn’t there in body, because he was still alive in her heart, in her soul. As long as she remembered him then Alex wasn’t gone, not really. Convincing herself of this was the only way she found the strength to get up every day and carry on. Because as long as she was still living, Alex was too.

I still run
I still swing open the door
I still think you’ll be there like before
Doesn’t everybody out there know
To never come round
Some things a heart won’t listen to
I’m still holding out for you

Sometimes, lying in her bed at night, she would trace her fingers over Alex’s photo in her yearbook as she cried herself to sleep. That way she could pretend that the Alex of her dreams was the real Alex. That it was his dream, not hers. Those solitary nights had become the best part of her day, because when she woke up she was back in the world where Alex wasn’t.

Sometimes she wished she could just stay asleep.

I can hear your smile in the dark
I can even feel your breathing
But daylight chases the ghosts

Since that wasn’t possible, Isabel had found the next best thing. Alex’s room, filled with all things Alex. She would curl up on his bed with her arms wrapped around the coat she had found which still smelled like him, and cry until she ran out of tears. It was ironic that the one thing that made her long for his comforting arms more than anything, was losing him.

I see your coat and I fall apart
To those hints of you I’m clinging
Now is when I need them most

And every time she did it she would promise herself that it was the last time. Alex would hate to see her this way. All he ever wanted was to see her happy. Surely she could do that, if not for herself, for him.

I should get up dry my eyes and move ahead
At least that’s what you would have said

I still run
I still swing open the door
I still think you’ll be there like before
Doesn’t everybody out there know
To never come round
Some things a heart won’t listen to
I’m still holding out for you

Yet again and again she would find herself back there. Back in a memorial to the life they could have lived. Her heart refused to let her move on, and if he was honest with herself she didn’t want to. What she wanted was Alex. But that was never going to happen. Not now.

Faithfully I trace your name while you sleep
It’s the only true comfort I feel

I still run
I still swing open the door
I still think you’ll be there like before

She wiped away the tears streaming down her face as she turned and buried her face into the pillow. Everyone told her that time would make this pain get better, but you could give her all the time in this life and the next and she would still miss him. Alex was her heart, and your heart wasn’t something you could ever replace.

I still run
I still swing open the door
I still think you’ll be there like before
Doesn’t everybody out there know
To never come round
Some things a heart won’t listen to
I’m still holding out
Out for you

The End

[Velvet Skye]

That was absolutely heartbreakingly amazing.

I loved it and it was so true to the situation. Loved how she would go to his room.. somehow in mine I never thought of that, but it was a perfect storyline.

Thanks.

Velvet Skye

[majiklmoon]

whaaaaaa

Laural....that was SOOO good

[Island Breeze]

Wow! That was amazingly... sad. : And I loved this line:

Everyone told her that time would make this pain get better, but you could give her all the time in this life and the next and she would still miss him. Alex was her heart, and your heart wasn’t something you could ever replace.

I like SheDaisy. That song worked out very well.

[Pooh]

Wonderful story *sniff*

[tessalynne]

Beautiful, heartwrenchingly sad, a wonderful expression of love and loss.

[KarenEvans]

So beautiful...my heart is breaking for her.

Reading these types of gazer fics where ALex is already dead gives me some idea of what it would be like for someone who has lost a soul-mate in reality.

Very well written and expressed.