Teeth or Treat (Whedonverse crossover, Mature)

[Aissy]

Confession time. In order to step outside my comfort zone, which is to continue the same story on and on forever, I set myself the challenge of completing one in 10 pages. So here it is... in twice as many! Ok, I didn't quite make it. But since the challenge was really to set myself some limits, and since I finished it before the closing date, and it's much much shorter than my usual stuff, I still consider that I've succeeded in stepping outside the old comfort zone. Here goes. Hope you like it.

Word count: 9,154
Rating: Mature (violence)
Disclaimer a little further down.
Many thanks to Nathbot and Ryal, my patient betas and Christine, the kindest Connor buff. And to Phlax, my very own angel.


<center> TEETH OR TREAT

- A whedonverse Halloween special, including a 2nd degree crossover -</center>

Prologue

The stainless steel tray flew across the room, aimed at him. He raised his hand in a reflex attempt to shield his face but too late; the sharp edge of the metal cut his lip. The clang on the floor echoed in the empty space of the foyer while he shot a glare at his comrade.

‘Oh, I am so sorry!’ the latter exclaimed. ‘Let me have a look at that…’ he ventured, reaching towards the cut lip. He was pushed away.

‘Never mind the frontline hospital! I thought she was better! She’s been fine for weeks!’ He carried on, in a lower voice, ‘Now she has that look again. Those black eyes of hers… Like she’s gone.’

‘No. She… She’s having a slight relapse. But I can sort it—I—I can talk to her. It’s worked in the past… She’ll listen to me --’

‘She,’ the tray-hurler chimed in, ‘has all the power!’ They stared above at this tiny woman, so petite, yet so dangerous right now. ‘There’s no power left for the bad boys…’ she added with a pout.

‘You know,’ he confided, passing his tongue over his bleeding lip, ‘I enjoy violence as much as the next male representative, but she’s violent. Last time she was like this we had to face an inescapable tragedy --’

‘Which we escaped.’

‘You know what I mean. In this state she’s a deadly threat. We just can’t afford --’

‘Let’s not jump to extremes. I’ll talk to her, get her to calm down.’ He leapt aside as a spotlight crashed right next to him, denting the floor and imploding. He looked above.

‘Manipulation is punishable by splatting.’ She gave a loud, bold, consternating laugh.

‘Come down! You’re being unreasonable! We’re not mad at you! Everybody has weaknesses. Just calm down and we’ll forget all about this incident. But you have to stop this! Ok?’

She cast him a chilling glance. She brought her hands to her temples and concentrated intensely.

‘Lightening and lions, sticks and stones…’ she started, incanting. ‘Will break my bones.’ She opened her eyes, looked down at the men and giggled. ‘Words, however…’

She ran to the other side of the mesh gallery surrounding the room. She stopped to face them.

Both men ducked and dodged the surgical scissors darted at them.

‘First my lip, now she’s after my eyes. Don’t tell me she’s not out of control. Even you can’t do anything by now.’

‘I know a way to temper her. At least temporarily. It never fails. But it’s a little drastic…’

A syringe sank into his friend’s thigh, sending him yelping as he felt the needle dig into the muscle. He pulled it out with a repressed cry and a grimace of pain. He realised with relief that the syringe was empty then glared at his comrade.

‘Whatever it takes.’

The young man nodded knowingly and gazed at the familiar face threatening from above, her stabbing black eyes, unusually sooty hair, and the dark air about her whole being, this mix of anger and desperation he hadn’t seen on her for a while.

‘River?’

She searched her pockets for more improvised ammunition pilfered from him. He took a step forward. She gave up looking for things to throw and pointed the gun at him.

‘Stay where you are, Simon. I’m not afraid to do the math.’

He very slowly moved forward. She closed her eyes and fired. She hit the floor just in front of his feet.

‘Don’t shoot! I can’t believe you just shot at me! It’s me!’ He stepped forward again and she put her finger on the trigger. ‘I would never hurt you! You know that!’ He saw her finger tighten on the trigger. ‘River! Story!’

She withdrew her finger instantly and stared at him. She started lowering the ladder she had secured up with her and stopped.

‘You’ll put me to sleep, Simon! I don’t want you to put me to sleep!’ she cried, clearly in distress.

‘No! River, I promise! I just… We need you to calm down!’

‘And to be quiet,’ mumbled his captain.

‘And to be quiet!’ repeated the doctor. ‘And I know stories sooth you. Now, you come down, give the captain Jayne’s gun back, and I will tell you a story while the Feds are searching the ship. We’ll be hiding. As long as you listen to the story and don’t run loose, we’ll both be fine. I promise.’

He could tell she was tempted. She didn’t usually resist this sort of lure. The ultimate analgesia. The temporary relief of an overloaded brain, constantly trying to make sense of a senseless world. Stories made sense. They muffled the excess information which assailed her from all sides. Listening to one was like having balm smeared on her mind. And the wackier the better. But she hesitated.

‘Look. You bent my syringe,’ Simon pointed out. She observed the needle arched at a 122° angle.

Mal had a little relief sigh as she lowered the ladder and made her way to them. She marched decidedly, without stopping, the gun pointed right at the captain.

‘Here,’ she said, handing the gun nozzle first.

Before he could snatch it off her she retrieved it. She watched her brother suspiciously. She was messing them about. She’d won the sedation battle, she wasn’t winning the gun one.

‘Do you want that story or not?’

A victorious flame danced in her dark eyes. A domineering, calling the shots flame.

‘What kind?’

Simon held out his hand for her to deposit the gun.

‘A scary one.’

<center> __________________________________________________ </center>
This story takes place within the universe of Firefly (which is not mine but Joss Whedon’s) after Objects In Space (114) and before Serenity (the movie). Oh, and within the universe of Buffy the Vampire Slayer a bit (still Joss’s).
<center> __________________________________________________ </center>

‘So. Right. Ok. Run this by me again?’

‘Which part was unclear?’

‘Well, let’s start with the bit where you’re actually not sedating her and that’s not a trick.’

‘No, I can’t, Mal. If I want her to keep trusting me I mustn’t lie to her. It’s basic logic. Heard of the boy who cried reaver?’

‘Not funny. The Feds will be champing at the bit as soon as we hit atmo. I need her to be quiet, I need her to be… away!’ He felt the uneasiness weighing all around the dining-room table. ‘I’ll settle for invisible.’

‘And that she will be,’ assured Simon.

‘You know what? This is at your own risk. The Feds find you, I have never met you two stowaways. Get it? I’m risking my boat, and I’m risking my crew. If I have to sacrifice two of said crew to save the rest because one of those two is a shiong-mung duh kwong-run who refused to be sedated and the other one’s too soft to lay down the law, then bring on the altar.’

‘They won’t find us. River perfectly understands the concept of hiding. Don’t you?’ he asked his sister whose eyes were focused on Shepherd Book’s pony-tail across the oak rectangle.

‘And the Alliance,’ retorted Mal, ‘perfectly understand the concept of seekin--’

‘Hey I got a question.’ All eyes turned to him, sat at the far end of the table. ‘Does that work with all kinds of stories? I mean all kinds of stories?’ he emphasised, smirking, bobbing his eyebrows suggestively.

‘Yes, Jayne, it works with pornography,’ Zoe informed sarcastically. ‘You’d be appalled. There aren’t any pictures.’

‘Forgive me, but we all seem to be forgetting a minor detail,’ remarked Shepherd Book. ‘If Simon has evidence that reading her a story guarantees River’s quietness, we should give it a try --’

‘My sedatives are running low anyway, and until I can restock next time we stop on a border planet, I can really do with sparing as much as I can.’

‘That’s right, son. If it works, use it,’ the old man resumed. ‘But one thing is yet scarcer than drugs on this vessel. Hiding places. Where will the hiding take place?’

Mal and Simon both looked at Inara.

‘No…’ she shook her head. ‘The Feds will demand to search my shuttle, Mal, you know they will.’

‘And I’ll let them. It will be empty when they search it, then they will move on to a different part of Serenity and that’s when my pet fugitives enter your shuttle. There’s a passageway. Through the ventilation corridors. There’s nobody knows this ship like me,’ he added with a proud grin.

‘Ahem,’ a little voice coming from near the kitchen door couldn’t repress.

‘Sorry. And you, Kaylee,’ he granted chivalrously.

‘Mal? You guys still busy twaddling?’ called the intercom. ‘Atmo in twenty, folks. I’d end this summit meeting ASAP, if you want us to get ready for the Alliance sniffer dogs.’

Mal went to the intercom and pressed the button.

‘Just make sure you don’t land her in her usual spot, Wash. We’re supposed to drop anchor at custom-control without stopping anywhere on the way. Like I said before, I want them to think we’re cooperating this time. So they’re off our backs when we meet with Badger.’

‘Your wish is my route, boss. Hey, while I got you handy, could you pass on a message to that wife of mine? Tell her I’ll have a story of my own to read her later,’ he asked, with what everyone heard to be a smile. ‘Tell her it doesn’t have pictures. She’ll know what you mean.’ He released the contact button while Zoe stared into space across the table, shaking her head and slightly blushing.

‘Ok, Jayne, I want all your weapons in view. Drop ’em in the cargo bay for inspection.’

‘What? Mal, I got stuff that’s less ’n legal on 18 planets…’

‘“Cooperation”, remember? Kaylee, that thing… put it back on.’

‘That “thing”, Cap’n?’

‘That thing you took off the restrictor to leave the Borosnians standing. Put it back on. We’ll lose it again later. Inara. Not that anybody would doubt your profession – just looking at you, that is – but have your diplomas and license ready.’ He turned to Simon. ‘I assume you’re all set. You got what you need?’

‘Well, given the abundance of your usual firefly’s library I normally make it up as I go along…’

‘Ok, now I get the “drastic”.’

‘I acquired a selection of paper books last time we were on Persephone,’ informed Book. ‘You’re welcome to them if it helps. I trust you to take good care of them. Those are antiques, you know. Ancient volumes. Some are from Earth-That-Was itself.’

‘Oh, thank you!’ Simon blurted with relief. ‘You don’t know what that means.’

‘Of course he knows how hard it is to make up stories, Simon,’ commented Mal. ‘He’s a man of God. Ok, let’s go, people.’

‘Wait!’ commanded River as her fellow fliers headed off. ‘Not you. I don’t want you to do the reading.’

‘River?’ Simon reproached, hurt. ‘But then again, you could just shoot at me…’

‘Your voice… It sounds like hodgeberry jelly sandwiches and rainy Chinese checker Sundays. I listen to it and bypass the words.’ She paused. ‘That’s inefficient.’

‘What, you want a different reader?’ asked the captain. ‘What next, sock puppets and popcorn?’

River gazed at him.

‘We don’t have popcorn.’

‘Take your pick. And hurry.’ There was no point discussing this with her. She didn’t grasp the urgency of the situati--

‘Him,’ she assigned, pointing at Jayne.

He looked up. His eyes widened and he saw Mal staring at him.

‘No. Uh-uh. No way am I readin’ any gorram bedtime stor--’

‘Don’t forget your specs,’ ordered Mal as he left the room.

<center>* * * *</center>

‘So, I get why the nutjob and her brother’s here and I get why I’m here. Sorta. Why are you here, again?’

‘Mal’s idea. He said if the Alliance want to inspect my shuttle a second time, he’ll tell them it’s… engaged. They’d never dare to interrupt a Companion in the middle of a transaction.’

‘Right.’ Jayne picked up the thick, yellowed, old smelling book. River lay on her back on Inara’s bed, her legs crossed, and stared at the ceiling. A blank canvass for her brain to picture the story on. ‘And why are you here?’ Jayne queried before starting.

‘I pestered the cap’n till he caved in and let me for two weeks’ washin’ up,’ boasted Kaylee with a smile. She sat down on the floor, her back against the bed, not far from Inara, who was settling in her sofa after lighting a joss stick. ‘You gonna join us, Simon?’

‘I—I’d prefer to stay by the door. I’ll be able to hear them if they come back this way.’

Jayne grabbed a chair and sat back to front on it, leaning the book onto the back of the chair under his eyes. The cover, with its title in big gilded letters and olde style font, had appealed to that screwball, whether that was through random choice or for any specific reason, nobody knew, nobody would ever know, and nobody was stupid enough to try and understand what went on inside that gaga head anyway.

‘Now, I’m warnin’ y’all. I ain’t having no shee-niou nitpickin’ ’bout ma readin’. The slowness, that’s on purpose. That’s so any ol’ simpleton,’ he emphasised, looking at river, ‘can have time to process every single word.’

He checked that the three women didn’t look like they were about to make fun of him, and as they seemed to be quiet and interested and all ears, he proceeded to read the title of the book.

<center>“Bloodcurdling Tales of the Vampyr”</center>

He peeked at the girls; still no reaction. He cleared his throat, turned to the first page and began.

“It wasn’t the night of Halloween. If it had been, young Payge would have been quite safe. In her village deep in the Valley of the Sun, strange phenomena happened of an evening, leaving families destroyed, friends grieving, and the police baffled. But never on Halloween.

‘We take the bloody night off! Everyone knows that.’

The girl put her hand in front of her mouth to avoid screaming and recoiled in horror. Down through that little window were a small group of men and they had… the worst fashion sense ever! One actually wore a Hawaiian shirt. Those people were resting against the wall of this crypt, some smoking, some chatting, surrounding two other men in the middle.

‘What kind of a lame excuse is that? You get a once-in-an-unlife-time chance to fight a totally clueless Slayer and you let it go on account of being on vacation?’

‘No… On account of she got clueful half-way through,’ mumbled the one in a wheelchair. ‘That was ages ago anyway, why are you prattlin’ on about Halloween?’

‘Because I’m trying to work out the extent of the absolute uselessness of the blockhead I find rolling in my way all day long calling himself a vampire.’ He sneered at the annoyed face of his bleached-haired associate. ‘And also because -- Did you hear that?’ He looked towards the window. He turned to the men by the wall. ‘Go go go!’ he ordered, and watched the half dozen men rush out. ‘Why is it that the most talented and creative vampires among us are always assisted by the most insipid and slow morons? There’s someone snooping on us and your boys are chatting away, having a smoke, probably comparing scar sizes and moaning about the price of fish. Although, can’t blame ’em, can you? They didn’t have much to look up to till now.’

‘You wait till I’m out of this wheelchair and we shall see who’s looking up to who.’

‘Sorry, was that supposed to sound like a threat? What I heard: “I am weak and delusional, which makes me believe I will some day be strong and smart and able to stand up to my better.” There’s only one thing you’re good at, pal. And I must say I kinda envy you for that. You got good taste. In women.’

‘You go anywhere near --’

The gang of guards reappeared, holding Payge.

‘Hey! What have we got here!’ said the dark-haired vampire walking to her as the others pinned her against the wall. ‘Aren’t you a little young and… helpless to hang around cemeteries at night? – “helpless”, I like that, got a ring to it,’ he muttered, making a note to himself.

‘Don’t hurt me! Let me go! I won’t say anything, I swear! Please!’ the girl cried in anguish.

‘Oh. Did you just say “please”? Well, that changes everything. Of course we’re gonna let you go if you’re polite.’ He looked inside her tearful eyes. ‘Just not alive.’

‘Hold on a sec,’ interrupted the other one, wheeling himself over. ‘You won’t say anything about what, lovey?’ he asked, curious.

‘About you! About you… existing!’

‘About good-looking blokes in wheelchairs existing?’

‘No, about vampires existing! Which I’m making up! Because they don’t! Because I don’t know!’ she babbled.

‘Oh, vampires exist, sweetie,’ corrected the vampire standing. ‘You’ll have no doubt about that in a few minutes. And, how long have you lived here?’ he gibed.

‘This is a dream. This is a nightmare. I’m gonna wake up and be late for French any minute… This is a dream. This has got to be a bad dream…’ Payge recited to herself.

‘Can I talk to you?’ the blond vampire said to his partner in crime, pulling him aside.

Payge looked at the two vampires going away a few feet, whispering, whispering about her, whispering life and death whispers in their murderous, evil ways and she knew. She knew she didn’t have much longer to live.”

‘Am I boring you?’ There was no response, not even a look in his direction. ‘KAYLEE!’ Jayne shouted, keeping his voice moderately down. The young woman looked up sheepishly. ‘Am I borin’ ya? You’re whispering. And you!’ he added, to Inara.

‘No, we were… We were discussin’ the story…’ ventured Kaylee.

‘Really? Well, maybe you’d like to share that with the rest of us.’

‘Well, me an’ ’Nara was just wonderin’… What’s a vampire?’

The reader’s eyes widened.

‘What, you don’t know?’ he mocked. He looked at the page. ‘It’s obvious. It’s some sort of… title. Like a viscount or someth’n’. Or an ol’ military rank we don’t use no more.’

‘It could be an occupation,’ suggested Inara. ‘Isn’t that what they called baseball referees?’

Both Simon and Jayne peered at her.

‘Doctor, whaddaya think?’ asked Jayne.

‘I can tell you for sure it’s not the generic term for sufferers of any particular disease. Other than that…’ He resumed his door-watching. Jayne stared blankly at his audience and shrugged his shoulders. ‘Oh, River knows,’ added Simon. ‘She didn’t pick the book at random.’

All three story-followers turned expectantly to River, still staring at the ceiling. She felt their eyes on her but kept hers focused.

‘Earth-That-Was mythology. Vampires. Humans gone wrong.’

‘What, like reavers?’ asked Kaylee.

‘No. Very different. Reavers will eat your flesh. Vampires will drink your blood. And vampires were once human whereas reavers were once… They’re very different. Reavers normally kill you whereas vampires normally… kill you. But not always. Sometimes they turn you into a vampire. That’s how vampires are made. Nobody knows how reavers are made…’ she added thoughtfully. ‘They bite your neck and suck your blood and you die.’

‘Can’tcha kill ’em first?’ asked Jayne.

‘Yes. There are a few ways to kill a vampire. The most common one is decapitation. Not easy. You need a saw or a sword. Or really good teeth, which, usually, between yours and the vampire’s, there’s no contest. Another way is direct sunlight. Dump your vampire on Bellorophon and you win.’ She paused, thinking. ‘There is another way but I can’t remember. But usually you die. They’re the most lethal creatures in the ’verse.’

‘Worse than reavers?’ Inara asked, doubtful.

River looked at her with an exasperated face.

‘Of course not worse than reavers!’

‘But,’ reflected Kaylee, ‘vampires ain’t real? Right?’

River’s eyes went back to their widescreen ceiling.

‘Now will you please, please,’ she insisted impatiently, ‘get on with the story?’

“Murderous, evil ways blah blah, didn’t have much longer to live,” resumed Jayne. “The two vampires went back to her.”

‘What are their names?’

‘I don’t know what are the names of the two vampires, Kaylee! It don’t say noth’n in the book! It ain’t like you can guess what are the names of the two vampires! Chip and Dale! There. Now, BEE jway! No more interruptions.’

“‘We don’t seem to be able to reach an agreement, would you believe,’ informed the blond one. ‘One of us wants to feed from you, the other one wants to turn you into one of us. So we’re gonna do neither.’

‘Yet,’ specified the one standing. ‘We’re gonna see what you’re worth. We’re going on a little cruise tonight, and we’re taking you along. To see if you got potential. If we think we can make a vampire outta you, we’ll do just that.’

‘A cruise?’ questioned Payge.

‘Yeah. A Halloween binge.’

‘Halloween? It’s Febru--’

‘When I want a calendar,’ yelled the dark-haired vampire, ‘I’ll go buy one! Or, better yet,’ he mumbled, ‘I’ll go kill a computer science teacher. I know what date it is!’ he yelled again. ‘I missed Halloween this year. I was… ill. With the plague. We’re doing it again.’

<center>° ° ° °</center>

All was calm in this quiet hamlet on the edge of the forest. Folks were enjoying a peaceful evening in the warmth of their abode. The chimneys on the roofs let out no wood-fire smoke but smells of soup and apple pie. It was a clear, starlit night and not a sound could be heard. Safe for the persistent rapping on a front door.

‘What is it?’ asked the old lady opening a crack in the door.

‘My uncle is travelling to the hospital to get treatment for his legs,’ explained Payge, showing the wheelchair and its occupier, ‘and our car broke down. I was wondering if we could use your phone.’

‘There’s a garage a little further up, you can be there in five minu--’

‘No! We need to phone the surgeon to postpone the operation. It’s been scheduled for a year and if we don’t postpone it tonight it may be another year before he can have the op again.’ The old lady didn’t budge. ‘And by then the gangrene could spread to his eyes,’ Payge added sadly. The old lady looked at the blond in the wheelchair but didn’t open the door. ‘Oh, uncle, don’t despair,’ Payge reassured. ‘If I managed to save up the money for treatment once, I can do it again. I’ll sell another organ, I’ve been ok living with one kidney, one lung should be fine --’

‘There’s a phone-booth right down this road. If you turn left after…’

‘Barge in,’ whispered the vampire.

‘What?’ Payge whispered back.

‘… the traffic lights, and then it’ll be right there opposite the…’

‘Push in and say you won’t be long on the phone. Now.’

‘… butcher’s. Or is it the adult toy shop? Anyway you’ll see it, it’s right -- hey!’ she cried as the girl pushed past her.

‘Thank you so much for letting me in! You may have saved his legs! I will be two minutes on the phone. Thank you so much! God bless you!’ Payge blurted out.

‘Come this way, the phone is in the living-room…’

‘I need to talk to the surgeon myself!’ the vampire shouted from the threshold.

The old lady turned round to open the door for him.

‘Don’t invite him in,’ whispered Payge. ‘Don’t invite him in!’

‘I’m sorry, what did you say? I’m a little hard of hearing, honey. It’s my age, you know. Please come in, sir.’

The vampire wheeled himself inside and stopped by the old lady.

‘The phone’s over there. Would you like a cup of coffee or tea, while you’re here?’

‘Could you please call the owner of this house? I’d like to thank him personally. For his hospitality.’

‘Well I am the owner of this house, young man. Have been for over 50 years. When I moved here there was no mall or nightclub. Just farms everywhere. Now, all you can hear is the Bronze for miles. Nothing like Trance to darn socks to,’ she grinned contentedly.

‘Yep. Like I bloody care. So you’re the owner. In that case…’ He pounced from his seat to her neck, knocking her down to the floor. He lay on her, too weak to haul her away, but strong enough to do what he did best; he growled, assumed his vampire face and opened his fanged jaws. ‘… Thank you. For the cuppa.’ He sank his teeth into her neck and drank. The blood was old but fresh, it had an aftertaste of lime blossom tea but it was human.

Payge put her hands in front of her eyes as the old lady shut hers forever.

The vampire rolled over on the floor, crawled to the wall and leaned against it to sit up.

‘Road’s clear!’ he shouted out the open door. ‘Owner’s kicked it, no need for an invite.’

The dark-haired vampire burst in, followed by a dozen.

‘There’s three cars parked outside,’ he announced. ‘My guess is, Granny’s got a few little red riding hoods visiting.’ His vocal chords vibrated into a growl as his face changed and his teeth lengthened. ‘All the better to eat them with,’ he jeered. He grabbed Payge by the arm. ‘You’re coming up with me.’

He dragged her upstairs and opened the first door.

‘What’s that noise?’ said the woman sitting up in her bed, making out a shadow in the door. The vampire switched the light on and she screamed.

Her husband woke up next to her.

‘Wh—What are you?’ he asked the intruder.

‘I’m… Frankenstein. And this is Cruella De Vil. And we think you got candy for us.’

‘C—Candy?’

The vampire stared at him blankly.

‘Oh, ok, blood, what the heck.’

He jumped onto the bed, grabbed the man by the hair, sank his teeth into his neck and pinned the woman to the bedpost with his free hand. He swallowed every last drop of the man’s blood while his wife whimpered in a state of shock.

‘Payge? Come over here, darling,’ he ordered, wiping his bloodstained chops.

The girl fearfully obeyed, slowly walking to him.

‘You did very well earlier. I’m prouda you. Now, I’m not saying we’re gonna turn you yet, the night is young and you still have to prove yourself but I think a little reward is in order.’ Payge guessed what he was about to say and tried to shut her ears in case she’d guessed right. She had.
‘She’s yours. I’ll crack her open and you can drink up. You never drank anything. It’s so delicious, so empowering! Your first taste of blood you remember forever. Usually it’s your sire’s, but that will come later for you.’ He bit the woman, and turned to Payge. ‘Now, go on. Don’t be shy…’

She tried to hold back the tears of sheer fear forming in her eyes.

‘I… I’m a vegetarian. I mean, I guess that’s gonna change with my new “unlife-style” but for now, I’m still a little funny about eating anything with a face -- don’t! Don’t rip her face off! I’m just saying… I really don’t find her attractive either. That… that counts, right? I mean, I’d rather wait for someone as handsome as you to… to be my first. Blood. Is that all right? I… I mean, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the honour an’ all…’

‘Yeah, all right, whatever! More for me. But you’re gonna have to before the end of the night, I’m warning you. Because it’s gonna be very hard for me to convince my chum with the special needs that you can be a good vampire if you won’t drink blood. I mean, think about it. It would be like a watcher who doesn’t drink tea, a witch who doesn’t drink magic…’

‘I have no idea what you’re saying, you know that?’

‘My point is, we’re trick-or-treating the whole village tonight. There’s gotta be someone you wanna taste. You got till sunrise. In the meantime, watch. And learn.’

And, with that, he finished emptying the woman’s jugular, while Payge wondered if jumping out the window from this high would necessarily kill her.

<center>° ° ° °</center>

You would have thought, after the ninth time, it would have lost a bit of its excitement. You would have been wrong. It always started the same: a bold knock on a door until someone was foolish enough to answer. Then it varied slightly, sometimes they needed to use the phone about an operation, sometimes they needed to borrow a bicycle-pump because one of the wheelchair tyres had gone flat, sometimes the aid-dog had runaway. In any case, the prey always bit because it was always to do with the cripple he had become. Nobody suspects a cripple, certainly not to be a deadly dead evil beast. So there we had it. He was the sucker trap. At least he was involved. And it was fun. Better than sitting in a disaffected factory doing nothing but waiting for his babe to come home with the dinner and to stop frolicking with her rekindled sire. No, this was definitely exciting. And for a good cause. The best Halloween so far.

Normally, the gang would have stopped after a few, four, five houses. There’s only so much blood one can drink in one night. Then they would have retreated and slept, chilled out, watched a bit of telly or done whatever it is that a vampire in his prime can do with the woman of his eternity.

But tonight was different. They were catching up for the hundred odd Halloweens they had missed out on by tradition, and the blood was innocent, unsuspecting and moreish. Plus, they were actually training the next generation. And this wasn’t only a binge. It was a message. They wouldn’t stop till the sun made them.

‘You gonna knock or shall I?’

She had read a few vampire stories. Actually, no, she hadn’t. She had started Stoker’s Drac then her cousin had lent her Bridget Jones and she’d traded the freakish Transylvanian manor for the hip London flat. She’d spent most of Interview with the Vampire smooching with Ryan McFarland. Couple of weeks ago, on cable, there’d been a movie about a chick who slays vampires, she’d watched a few minutes of it but it had looked like cheap early nineties poop and that guy from Beverly Hills, 90210 had never done it for her. So there she was. Her knowledge of the enemy amounted to a thoroughly documented study of Count Von Count. And that had taught her that she was being held captive by about fifteen vampires but not how to dispose of them. All she could think was: they don’t like garlic. Goody.

‘You!’ she replied, looking away.

‘Are you pouting?’

‘I can’t do this anymore! All those innocent people! All they do is open their door!’ she cried. ‘They pay with their lives! Please! Can I not do this anymore?’ she implored.

‘Are you… Are you telling me you wanna die?’ the vampire with disabilities asked, shocked.

‘Yes!’ She sniffled. ‘It would be less horrible than taking part in this! I wish to die.’

She didn’t. She’d witnessed it far too many times tonight. She wished to die an accidental or natural death, sure. But she’d been made to watch these two vampires kill, she’d felt the terror in their victims’ eyes, the gushing blood would stain her nightmares forever. She couldn’t die like that. She had to fight this. And the only way to fight was to play their game. She sobbed for a little while, lost.

‘You know? I’ve missed this, I have. The only annoying cow that’s put up a fight lately, can’t say I’ve ever seen her cry. So pretty. Little tiny buds of crystal despair. Puts a bit of salt in the blood as well.’

‘What’s going on?’ asked the dark-haired vampire, coming out of hiding. ‘We doing this house or what?’

‘She’s having a crisis,’ replied his colleague.

‘Oh. Well, maybe, that’s because she thinks she’s important. What d’ you think? Shall we remind her?’ Payge kept on sobbing and looked at his angel face, shuddering. ‘You’re lucky, you know. Spoilt. None of us had what we’re giving you. It was bam, ouch, slurp: you’re a vampire. You get the chance to see how gorgeous it is.’ He got closer to her and had his teeth inches from her neck. At one point, she was sure she could feel his breath on her neck, but she realised there wasn’t any air and she’d imagined it. ‘What do you think, that it’s all but an unfortunate turn of events? That you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? That you don’t deserve this tragic fate? That you’re a good person who’s earned to live a good life? Wrong! There’s no coincidence. Not when it comes to vampires. Lose the self-pity; you brought it upon yourself. Look at me, I was a womaniser, a drunk, I had no morals. My pal Paralympics here, he was the most terrible poet you ever heard. He was a nerd, a weakling, a mommy’s boy, and I would bet my best puppy nail, a virgin. You don’t become a vampire because of bad luck, Payge. You become a vampire because you’re a crappy human. You die, because you suck at living. You, I don’t know what it is about you. But you’re special. You have that special… patheticness. To cry for. What did you do today, Payge? Go to school, answer a few questions in class? Then you had a calorie controlled lunch, chatted with your girlfriends about your pathetic life, then came retail therapy when you tried to find yourself by dressing like everyone else, after which you let your artistic mind run wild by listening to some tormented woman singer who’s actually got the guts to write a song, and finally tonight, you emailed your boyfriend. He wants to go all the way, doesn’t he? And as you moisturised after dinner, you smiled at yourself in the mirror because you knew you got everything you could wish for, but you had that blocking ball in your tummy, yelling at you that you’ll never be what you could wish for. So you went out, your little heart pounding with excitement for skipping curfew for something else than the local nightclub, and in order to feel alive and the master of your own destiny, you headed for the cemetery, panting for a thrill. Well guess what.’ The girl was still crying, one tear for every word of truth he was whispering in her neck. ‘You’re evil already, my little hollow freak. Tell me what there is to like about you and I’ll believe you got something going for you.’ She stayed silent, safe for a few whimpers. ‘Thought so. There’s nothing good in that soul. You can do without. See, they,’ he specified, indicating the houses around, ‘are innocent. They’re good people. They deserve to live. That’s why we kill them. Cause we’re bastards. You, you watch people die a gruesome death all night, you don’t even faint. Cause you’re special. Cold, empty, numb. You’re evil, Payge, face it. You’re a vampire waiting to happen.’ She stopped sobbing, as though gone dry. ‘Now knock on that door and embrace your destiny.’

He retired to his shrub and she hesitantly knocked.

Who could possibly knock on the front door so late? Nobody, not one of his buds knew he had the house to himself tonight. He’d made absolutely sure not to tell anyone his folks were away on vacation or the whole school would have shot up here with kegs, which, ok, wasn’t so bad, and turned the place upside down, which, again, he could live with. But that would have meant no hot night all alone with Casey. And a house full of beds.

Maybe it was some bum trying to sell him something. He had no chance. The knocking wasn’t stopping though. He pressed pause on the DVD remote.

‘Wait here a sec, I’m gonna tell ’em to buzz off,’ he told his girlfriend, kissing her.

‘What do you want?’ he snapped, opening the door.

‘Hi.’

‘Hi, Payge. What you doing here?’

Jason. She’d forgotten he lived this side of town.

‘My uncle, here… has to have an operation on his phone. Legs! On his legs. Long story short, my cell’s flat, he has to phone the surgeon ASAP, can we use your phone? Long distance. International. And he’s contagious.’

‘Sure.’

‘Yeah but my cell’s flat so this is a very restraining position for me, a situation I can’t get out of and I need help with that. Because my uncle’s dangerous…ly ill.’

‘Sure, no problem.’

‘And he’s a vampire and he’s gonna kill you if you let him in.’

‘Yeah, whatever, just don’t tell my mom and dad Case was here. Phone’s in the kitchen, make yourselves at home, but not for hours.’

He turned round to go back to the living room and felt a sharp blow to his back. Next thing he knew he was lying flat on his stomach with a dead weight on top of him. What the…? Then he felt a crude pain in his neck and a sort of super-powered hickey. He was shedding blood. Vampires! Crap! He gave a violent jerk to his back and managed to unhorse the uncle. He then ran outside, not looking back at the attacker crawling behind him.

He stood outside facing the house and the murderer hadn’t followed him. He got his cell out to phone 911. Then he remembered. Casey was still inside.

He made a step towards the house.

‘Hello,’ said a voice behind him.

‘Oh my god, you can help me!’ he said to the dark-haired man and his dozen friends standing there. ‘I was attacked! There’s a vampire in my house! My girlfriend’s still in there!’

‘A vampire, huh?’ mocked the man.

‘Yeah! I know it sounds crazy but look!’ he pointed to his neck, ‘I got bitten to the blood!’

‘Oh yeah,’ he agreed, peering at the blood. ‘Looks syrupy. Are you diabetic?’

All of their faces changed into big badass fanged foreheads and he understood the only thing to do was run. But they ran after him. He carried on for as long as he could. He thought his legs were going to snap, so exhausted as they were. And just when he couldn’t run anymore, he listened hard behind him and they’d disappeared. So he stopped. He was so out of breath, his lungs were about to explode.

He’d survived the attack but he had to help Casey. He wasn’t going back to the house, no fricking way. What!? They’d only been going out four months, for god’s sake! For all he knew she could dump him anytime between now and the prom. He wasn’t about to risk his life for a fickle, unpredictable, dumping, ex-to-be! He dialled 911.

‘Hello, again.’

Oh no. How had they gotten here? They weren’t here a minute ago, he’d lost them! Scream. A big pale hand came pressing on his lips.

‘Shh,’ whispered the vampire. ‘Tell me, kid. What did you do last Halloween? Hey? D’ you give out candy to trick-or-treaters? Bet you didn’t.’

He wanted to fight, to get out of this alive. But that vampire, with his hand on his mouth and his fangs right next to his neck, made him feel like there was nothing to fight with, that the fight was lost. He was so scared, he’d never been this scared, the only time he’d felt such a paralysing fear was when he’d got lost at the mall when he was four and even then it wasn’t as scary as this and he’d started wailing and his mom had come to rescue him. He was aware of tears rolling down his cheeks. And of a muttered prate near his ear about Halloween. Then he felt the harshest physical pain he’d ever thought possible. Breaking his arm in the 6th grade didn’t come close. Then life began to escape him, as if drawn from him. Maybe it was his soul. There was no white light. There was supposed to be a white light. Damn, he’d not had time to clean up and there were cigarette stubs in the ashtray, his dad was gonna kill him.

The dark-haired vampire dropped the dead, empty body on the lawn. He led the others back to the house. They stood outside the open door.

‘How you gettin’ on in there?’ he shouted.

‘Almost done!’ replied the bleached-haired vampire.

He’d got back into his wheelchair and was writing something on the hallway wall, like he had done in the previous zillion houses, with the remainder of Casey’s blood. “Trick or treat!” These were not only monsters. They were sick too.

He finished the exclamation mark, licked his fingers, and indicated the door to Payge with his head. She pushed him on outside and down the street.

<center>° ° ° °</center>

It was a little late in the night to be discussing the probabilities of Nick Carter meeting any of them, and they should probably crawl back into bed and dream about him instead. But it wasn’t a school night and it wasn’t Tiffany’s birthday everyday, and it would be weeks before their next slumber party. Besides, Tiffany’s mom was asleep, she would never find out about the light still being on.

‘Because Brittany told us!’

‘Fo’ real.’

‘Did not!’

‘Did too! You said, “Stephanie has a crush on Mr Benedetti.” The other day! In math. You even said that’s why she joined the soccer team.’

‘I do not have a crush on Mr Benedetti! I like soccer! It’s tits! I was in the soccer team last year in elementary school and Mr Benedetti wasn’t even coach then! So there!’

‘Yeah but come on! You think he’s gorgeous with his spiky eyebrows and his bushy tash!’ she teased.

‘Shut up, Bethany! Make me barf!’ All four girls giggled.

‘That’s why you go to practice every Saturday. “Hmm, Mr Benedetti, I can’t stop thinking about you, Mr Benedetti, I want to marry you, Mr Benedetti, I want to have lots and lots of little facial-haired children with you, Mr Benedet--”’

‘Did you hear that noise?’ interrupted Tiffany.

‘I go to practice so we don’t lose.’

‘Shh, seriously. There’s voices talking outside. Can’t you hear them?’

The girls stopped giggling and listened out for the voices as they got closer.

‘I dig the blood-thirst, really, I do. And I sure as hell ain’t gonna cry about it anymore. I mean, it’s like carnivores, right? You try and stop a bear eating meat.’

‘Why would I want anything to do with a bear? Ferocious little buggers,’ he replied, not making the effort to look behind at the girl pushing his wheelchair.

‘What I mean is, you’re a vampire. You drink human blood. That’s like, in your genes. I get that. What I don’t get is the whole “I’m gonna be a real bastard and make them suffer and write a stupid little morbid message on the wall” deal.’

‘Oh that. Well, let’s just say, there’s someone I want to impress.’

‘Oh, right. Yeah. Duh. Cause nothing says “I love you” like a sick post-slaughter note written in blood.’

‘What’s your point?’ They stopped near a house and she came over to the front of the wheelchair. He took out a cigarette and smoked it while they waited for the others to catch up. ‘You don’t get it. She’s been ignoring me.’

‘So it is a she.’

‘No… I mean, hardly. I mean, it’s always a she. Nothing new there.’

‘And you want to show her you’re still a strong, potent vampire.’

He snorted.

‘Please! I have what I need at home, thanks.’ He looked annoyed all of a sudden. ‘She’s been shunning me. Her boyfriend dumped her and since then she’s been otherwise occupied. Been hunting werewolves and fixing love-spells and whatnot!’ He shook his head scornfully. ‘As if anyone would be stupid enough to want to use a love-spell to get their bird back! She doesn’t half hang out with pillocks, I tell you.’

‘So what, you want her to think you’re, like, a meanie?’

‘I don’t care what she thinks! Don’t give a monkey’s about her! She’s no-one! I don’t give a rat’s ass what she thinks. I just want her to be obsessed!’ He took a drag on his cigarette, and resumed, a little more calmly, ‘I want her to wake up tomorrow morning, eat her cereal in front of the news and find out there’s been a massive carnage in this part of town. Then her and her little Scooby gang are gonna do research and it won’t take them long to decode the message and realise it came from us. And she will weep because she wasn’t there to stop it happening. Then she will wake up at night all sweaty and hopeless and freaked out about what we’ll come up with next and she’ll try to go back to sleep but she won’t manage so she’ll get up and she’ll go randomly patrolling, and all that time, she’ll be thinking about me. She’ll be thinking: “how do I stop him?”, “how do I make him understand that this is my territory?”, “how do I get through to him that I’ve killed two of his kind before and I’m gagging to come face to face and to have the brawl of the century and to sink my teeth into that little tanned neck and to taste the chosen blood once again?”’

‘She’s a vampire too?’

He glanced at her, snapping out of his trip.

‘Don’t be bloody daft! Soddin' pain in the arse, is what she is. Planet scale.’ He looked behind. The others were hiding and his dark-haired grand-sire gave him a go-ahead nod. He threw away his cigarette butt. ‘End of tea-break. Knock on the door, will you, love?’

Payge sighed and proceeded to knock.

There was no answer. The girl stopped.

‘Carry on.’

‘But we’ve been knocking for five minutes. Maybe there’s no-one home. Why don’t we move on to the next house? There’s like four million doors --’

‘This door,’ he commanded.

‘Why?’

‘Because… this door’s got balloons.’ They both knew what it meant. ‘Fee, fi, fo,’ he added, winking.

‘I am so fed up with this,’ she lamented, knocking again.

Still nothing.

‘Ok, change of plan,’ the vampire announced.

‘We move on to the next house.’

‘No, my backpack.’ She sighed again and handed him the backpack hanging from the back of the chair. The other vampires came out of hiding and got close. The blond fumbled in his bag and produced a large butcher’s knife. He raised it towards Payge and she gasped. ‘You take this with you to the nearest window, hold it by the blade, smash the window with the handle. Then you go in, find anybody, and show them to the door – with the knife to their throat. You open the door and get our host to invite us all in. Off you go, there’s a good girl,’ he shooed her.

‘And if I won’t? If I stay in the house and tell them not to open the door?’ she taunted, turning round.

He squinted at her, shocked.

‘Well, if you do that,’ the dark-haired vampire answered casually, ‘we’ll all go home and we’ll meet you again next Halloween. Tomorrow.’

She didn’t have a choice. He was right, she was destined to something. After their killing spree, they’d take her home and they’d turn her into a vampire. But then they’d have what they wanted and wouldn’t create another bloodbath so soon. She wasn’t destined to be a vampire. She was destined to be a sacrifice.

She followed his instructions, smashed the window and disappeared inside.

There was no sound for a while, then the vampires heard a woman scream and they knew Payge had done the “knife to throat” thing.

‘Come in,’ the woman in her nightie invited with a shaky voice.

Payge let go of her and lowered the knife. The vampires rushed in and, surprisingly, ignored the woman. They all went straight to the downstairs bedroom.

Payge and the woman followed them and realised with horror that one of the henchmen was dragging one of the girls out from under the bed. The two leaders waited by the window and watched. The other vampires, understanding that there was more young blood still under the bed, proceeded to copy their fellow henchman and pull them out. The girls were crying, the mother was begging, the henchmen were snarling, the leaders were grinning. Payge picked up a wooden ruler on the desk and shoved it through the back of the nearest vampire.

‘What the…?’ blurted the dark-haired one as his lackey fell to dust.

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh went the next five vampires as Payge rulered them in the back, the front, the side, with a charging savage thrust or a swift graceful stab. But always through the heart.

She stopped and gazed threateningly at the dark-haired vampire. He smirked, chuckled, and leaped out the window.

‘Nice one, mate!’ yelled the blond, confined to his wheelchair.

She stepped towards him, ruler outstretched. The remaining lackeys grabbed him by the arms, lifted him out of his seat, and jumped out the window with him. They all disappeared into the night to the sound of running footsteps, growling and a ‘Told you she was special!’.

Tiffany’s mom hugged the four little survivors tight.

‘How did you…?’ she asked Payge.

‘I don’t know. I just knew what to do.’

She went to the window and stared ahead into the night. The endless, soul-branding night. He’d said something. About the cemetery. She’d not gone there looking for a thrill. She’d gone there because it had felt like she had to. She’d been dreaming about that place for months. She never thought about monsters, vampires or anything mystical. She was a Scully at heart. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had the sensation that she belonged in this life, though.

<center>° ° ° °</center>

That year, Payge moved to a sunny, crowded, Indonesian island where they’d never heard of Halloween. She lived there for 76 years, running the local blood-donor clinic. She never encountered another vampire.

On the next October 31, be prepared. Pack your drawers full of sweets and wait for that adorable little freckled witch. But on the next June 12, March 26, or maybe May 5, beware of the Halloween knock on the front door.”

Knock, knock, knock went the shuttle door, practically sending the five fliers flying. Simon opened it.

‘Mal. Don’t do that.’

‘We did it!’ he exclaimed, walking in, followed by Zoe and Wash. ‘I don’t know how, but we did it. They left the boat. We got away with a warning. A warning! Can you believe it?’ he exulted. Zoe sat down on the edge of the bed. Her upper body lay down on it, and she let out a sigh of mixed relief and exhaustion. Wash wandered towards Jayne and peeked over his shoulder at the book. ‘How d’ it go your end? River, I expect a cucumber would have nothing on you by now?’

She stood up from the bed, walked to him and looked intensely, deep into his eyes.

‘I’m good,’ she announced.

The story-team made their way outside the shuttle, followed by their captain who kept on talking.

‘Hey, I know a story too. It’s a funny one. Inara, let me tell you the story of how we got a warning. No, really, you’ll like it. Apparently, according to health and safety regulations, an aught three firefly is not supposed to transport a class three point two Companion. Up to a class three, we’re fine, but from class three point one up, apparently, the Companion needs to request an insurance waiver. Yeah, apparently, above class three, Companions are way too prestigious to be let to fly onboard an aught three. Inara? What’s a class three point two Companion?’

‘Our class is attributed according to our quality of service and the various practices which we offer. And far too private for you to ever find out about in detail.’

‘So, it’s not just an account of, in thousands, how many paying customers you’ve had, then?’ Their voices receded into the heart of Serenity.

Wash sat down next to Zoe on the shuttle bed and looked at this amazing woman he would never, till the day he died, tire of looking at. They’d passed the big inspection and while he’d half expected it to end in some sort of gunshots being, in one way or other, shot, he couldn’t say he hated to be wrong. Now they could at least have a little rest. Till the next one.

He lay down next to her. She looked so tired. She probably wished she’d been one of the story-time gang. He remembered that joke they shared. When they’d wanted to “experiment” in the past, she’d turned up one evening with a paper copy of the Kama Sutra but because of the censorship under the Alliance, the drawings had been deleted and the Chinese and English translations had been computerised then coded so there was only this Sanskrit version available on paper. He’d stared wide-eyed at the gibberish and said, “What is the ruttin’ point of that thing? There ain’t even no pictures.” She’d laughed and said, “Who needs pictures when you got inspiration? Tell me a story.” Since then, whenever she wanted to do something a little out of the ordinary, she would joke, “Tell me a story. I don’t need pictures.”

He started kissing her. She kept her eyes closed but smiled. He kept on kissing her face, softly, repeatedly, randomly, everlastingly. Between kisses, he whispered sweet nothings:

‘Once upon a time, there was a beautiful soldier princess who lived on an old spaceship…’

The End.

[majiklmoon]

See, you did it..non epic lenght and FINISHED. and great btw. I didn't think it would be possible to weave so many aspects of the Jossverse into one story.

[Island Breeze]

That was amazing! And the story about the vampires and Payge was really Halloweenish and spooky! A couple of parts I just have to quote:

The girl put her hand in front of her mouth to avoid screaming and recoiled in horror. Down through that little window were a small group of men and they had… the worst fashion sense ever! One actually wore a Hawaiian shirt. Those people were resting against the wall of this crypt, some smoking, some chatting, surrounding two other men in the middle.

LOL LOL LOL!

‘I… I’m a vegetarian. I mean, I guess that’s gonna change with my new “unlife-style” but for now, I’m still a little funny about eating anything with a face -- don’t! Don’t rip her face off! I’m just saying… I really don’t find her attractive either. That… that counts, right? I mean, I’d rather wait for someone as handsome as you to… to be my first. Blood. Is that all right? I… I mean, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the honour an’ all…’

Vegetarian and vampires… two words you never expect to see together actually!

Great tale, Aissy!

[Pooh]

Loved this, so many parts had me cracking up, great job!

[Angie]

I just wanted to come in here and say that I thought your story was a great one!!! Joss Wheden would be proud I think of how well you inteweave so many of his fandoms into one fic! I've never seen Serentiy or Firefly before, but...I was able to follow the path you put in with the storyline and everything and I thought how you incorporated the vamps and their attitudes as Joss did in Buffy was amazing!!!! I just thought it was a great story all around!! Nicely done!

[Aissy]

Thank you so much everyone for your lovely feedback!!!

It's the first time I've posted a fic on a board, and it's the first time I've received "real" feedback, i.e. feedback from people that don't actually know me, and I'm over the moon! :D :D :D

It all makes sense now! The sleepless nights, the zillion coffees, the notepad lunch breaks, the boyfriend fast asleep in the room next door... I'd do it anyway, but it makes a bit more sense when you know people other than yourself have enjoyed it. I might even carry on posting. :P

Thanks also for the fab banner! It's the first time anyone's ever made me a banner, I'm well touched! (I've got to stop saying "It's the first time" but it's true!)

Angie, I would never have the audacity to join a board and impose my taste on others by trying to convert them but I'll make an exception in this case cause it's 14 episodes so it doesn't demand too much effort... YOU JUST HAVE TO WATCH FIREFLY!!! 14 eps and a film, done. You'll be happier for it. (Yeah, ok, no, you'll be utterly frustrated because of that nasty disease called cancellation, but your soul will be richer... God, I don't half come up with crap sometimes. You'll like it, that's it, that's all I can say, trust me.)

Thanks again, people, you've made my weekend!!!

[majiklmoon]

She's right Angie...Firefly and Serenity ROCK..Joss in Space. It's too cool and not at all what you'd expect. Well, maybe it is because it's so cool.

Aissy - you MUST post again..write more. Do it! Your first story here was obviously a HUGE success!

[Angie]

I might have to watch it sometime then! I got involved in Smallville this way and maybe I'll have to check out Firefly. I know it can be rented so I might have to check it out sometime!

Aissy definitely consider posting again! You are a good writer and this comes from someone who never thought I'd post anything online! (ha,ha!) So give it a try!

[Duchess67]

I must admit that this Payge girl was exceedingly stupid, not to mention just as bad as Spike said she was. Didn't like her at all. *shaking my head*

I thought it was very funny that River wanted a story read to her by JAYNE of all people, *chuckling* and the fact that Mal knocked on the shuttle door and made everyone just about jump out of their skins, at just that moment, that cracked me up. *still laughing at that one*

Good story. *vbg*