Paint Me A Picture (AU,CC/,ADULT) Complete 2/28/06

[Itzstacie]

TITLE: PAINT ME A PICTURE
AUTHOR: Itzstacie
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own anything.
E-MAIL: Stacie32@cox.net
RATING: ADULT
SUMMERY: Liz centered, there is no aliens, I really dont want to give to much away

I wanted to give everyone fair warning before you start reading. Max and Tess will be together for most of this fic but I do promise it won’t be that way in the end for those that want to stick it out with me. I am giving dreamer insurance here.

THANK YOU LORASTAR FOR MAKING THE AWESOME BANNER



Prologue

“Liz take my hand’ he pleaded ‘please’

‘Just let me go’ she cried’ I don’t want to hurt anymore, just let me go’

‘NO” he cried out not caring that tears were streaming from his face ‘don’t you give up Elizabeth Anne Parker…you hear me don’t you give up…now take my hand’.

I Bet your wondering what led up to this point aren’t you, your wondering what happened that brought me to this point dangling from a cliff.

I guess I should go back to the beginning to where it all started, I can say it started a couple of months ago, but I suppose it was really a year ago.

It was the moment I realized I was in love with my best friend.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, that one still that holds a thousand different emotions captured for the whole world to see.

If you were too look at my pictures, well sketches actually. I wonder if you could see the story behind them, would you be able to see that the girl that drew them was so lost that she didn’t care to exist anymore.

I started sketching around the time my life started falling apart, I don’t know why I guess it was an escape for me. I just picked up a pencil one day and never put it back down.

I got more into it around the time I started drifting away from my friends or maybe they started drifting away from me, I’m not really sure anymore.

My sketches have become my life, each stroke of the pencil, each shade; tint has become my way to express myself.

I have never shown anyone, I don’t want anyone to see the broken hollow shell I’ve become.

I’ve allowed myself to become numb, dead inside because the hurt is just much to bear, I’d rather let myself be this way then have to face everyday feeling the tightening in my chest.

Because if I allow myself to feel, I’ll get angry…I’ll cry and I don’t want them to see me cry. I’ve cried all I can and crying is a sign of weakness, I won’t let them see I’m weak.

I bet you’re wondering if I will take that hand that will bring me back to the world of chaos, I bet you’re wondering if I’ll just close my eyes and let myself fall.

You’re going to have to wait for that answer, you’re going to have to see the whole picture before we get to this point where I am dangling from a cliff and Max Evans is pleading with me to take his hand.

For now we are going back to the beginning.

Chapter 1

Pictures, its amazing what people take pictures of, that one special moment that they want to capture for a life time, that one moment of glory or triumph in their life.


If you were to walk into my apartment that’s what you would see, special moments captured whether it was me riding a bike for the first time, or winning an award in elementary school, a nice clean family portrait.


The perfect display of the perfect little family living a normal life, you would never know that those pictures were just a façade.


Behind those pictures my life is not normal; my family is not a perfect one.


My mother left when I was two, no word, no explanation, just left leaving me and dad to pick up the pieces and move on.


I don’t know if its wise to say I hate my mother for leaving or that I wonder if things would have turned out differently if she didn’t because for the longest time it was just me and my father and I can actually say those times were the happiest in my life.


I didn’t need a mother, I didn’t need someone who had that natural bond that they say comes with a mother and daughter relationship…my father was both and it was enough. I was the center of his attention, it was until I started junior high and he met a woman.


Nancy Smith, my father met her when she first moved to town, she came in one day to the Crash Down, The Crash Down is a restaurant my father owns, mostly high school kids hang out there with the exception of a few families that like to dine there.


Anyways back to the point, she came in one day and it seemed like she never left. I slowly started being pushed to the back burner while she made her way up front and into my father’s heart. Six months later they were married.


At first she seemed really nice, taking on the nurturing mother role, always wanting to bond, to do things just the two of us, but then things slowly started to change.


The subtle hints started, the putting down you need to gain some weight your to skinny, are you making yourself throw up or you need to find better friends, the ones you have are no good and they will only bring you down, you need to be popular, you need to be with the in crowd.


She lets me know everyday about something she’s disappointed in; she doesn’t like any of my friends with the exception of Max.


He’s actually managed to win her over and stay on her good side, and she makes it a point to tell me just how good he is and how wrong I am.


My personal favorite you’ll see in a minute because she likes to use it every other day, she’s currently pacing my room shaking her head as she picks up a pair of jeans off the floor.


Me I am currently sitting here in my private hell waiting for her to get it over with so I can go to work.


‘I swear why cant you pick up after yourself, we are not pigs Elizabeth, is it to much to ask to keep your room clean, I bet Max keeps his clean, why can’t you be more like him, he’s no nice and polite, not rude and messy like you’.


‘I would but I seem to be lacking certain body parts’ I say under my breath, but not low enough that she cant hear me.


‘Don’t you get flip with me Elizabeth your not to old I can still take you in that bathroom and wash your mouth out with soap’.


I know I shouldn’t egg her on ,she’ll only go crying to my father and he’ll take her side as usual ‘Liz honey’ he’ll say ‘please try and be nicer I love her, we all have to put an effort in and make this work’.


‘Yes maam…sorry’ I say standing up ‘can I go now I have to be downstairs’.


She turns and glares at me ‘yes and this is the last time I’m telling you keep your room clean or I will throw everything out and clean it for you’.


I just give the absent nod and leave I can her mumbling as I walk away I swear I don’t know why your father wont list to my advice, a boarding school would be so much better.


As I walk into the café I immediately search for my solitude, my friends my piece of mind.


They have always had this way of magically making my life easier, lately thou it seems that they don’t seem to fill the void that I feel deep inside. I keep praying thou, I keep searching for them in hopes that one day the magic will appear again.


Four of them sit in the usual booth, the other two works with me in the café. At one time we were a close group, we aren’t popular but we aren’t social outcast either.


Max Evans my best friend…we met when we were five, we were at school one day when Peter Stevens yanked one of my ribbons out of my hair and took of running.


Out of nowhere Max appeared and took off running after him, he tackled him to the ground and got my ribbon back. After that we were instant friends.


Along with him came Isabel Evans his sister, she’s tall and beautiful, a total opposite of what I look like. Every guy wants her but only one has managed to work his way into her heart.


Alex Whitman, we met him in the fifth grade. Isabel had forgotten her lunch one day and Alex walked up out of the blue and handed her his, she was a goner after that.


With Alex came Maria Deluca, a bubbly spitfire who he had known since they were three. She brought a new outlook to our group with her spunky clothes and her out of the world theories.


Beginning of seventh grade she got the hots for Michael Guerin the kid from the wrong side of the tracks. It took her a while but she never gave up and finally she broke down his walls and snagged him bringing him into our group.


Around that time Tess Harding showed up, the new girl with her pretty blue eyes and her blonde curly hair, one look from Max and he was next.


I have to admit in the beginning I liked her, she was really nice and she seemed to know what I was going thru. Her father had up and married someone new and moved them all to Roswell, New Mexico where we live.


Everyone was getting together and pairing up and at first I was fine with it…I didn’t need anyone to tie me down, to have to worry about another person, and no one has made me feel any different, they didn’t treat me any different because I didn’t have someone. They still included me in things.


Lately thou I have been having these strong emotional feelings that I cant seem to fight.


It’s almost chemical, undeniable and no matter how hard I try to push it away, the stronger it gets and comes back on me.


And the thing that scares me the most, its not that I am having these feelings. I mean I am sixteen it’s only natural that I starting looking to be with someone.


It’s the fact that they are directed at the one person I never thought it would be, the one person I never dreamed of having these feelings for…my best friend and nothing good can come from that.

Part 2

Wednesday (eight months before the cliff)

I feel someone nudging me out of my slumber, my thoughts are jumbled as vaguely I hear ‘hurry up and copy I already did the lab’.

‘Huh’ I say blinking rapidly trying to focus, when my head finally clears I see that I am in Biology class and I don’t even remember falling asleep again, it seems for the last couple of days I have been doing that.

I see a paper shoved in front of me ‘we only have ten minutes left, you fell asleep again, I did the lab’ Max says pointing to the clock.

I look at him and I can see the concern set on his face, I know he’s worried about me ‘oh…sorry’ I say as I copy the notes to my paper ‘it’s okay’ he says low, I can see him out of the corner of my eye watching me.

He’s waiting to ask me about it, he wants to know if anything has happened, the bell rings signaling the end of class, I slide his paper back and get up ‘thanks Max’ I say as I take off dropping my paper on the teacher’s desk and running out before he can say anything.

I hurry and walk fast down the halls, I can hear him calling my name but I keep walking, I don’t want to face him right now, I don’t want to talk about it.

I feel someone grab my elbow, I know its him ‘hey wait up’ he says, I turn around and sigh as I keep my gaze on the floor ‘what’s up’ comes tumbling out of my mouth.

‘You fell asleep again’ he says concerned, I nod my head ‘I’m really sorry you got stuck doing the work again’ I say.

I take the chance and glance up at him, the instant I do I find myself lost, he’s standing there piercing me with his golden eyes likes he’s trying to see deep inside my soul, that he’ll see all the answers to his question hidden deep within me.

‘Its okay’ he pauses for a minute then shakes his head ‘no…no its not okay it’s the third time this week, what’s going on Liz’ he asks ‘did something happen at home’.

I continue to stare at him while my heart and head decide to battle it out, I want to tell him that I am confused that I have these feelings starting for him and I don’t know what to do about it, I want to tell him that I am trying not to have them that I lay awake night after night fighting with myself because its wrong.

‘No nothing more than usual’ I lie, ‘then why are you falling asleep in class all of a sudden’ he starts.

‘I…’ I cant finish because I can feel the start of tears forming on my eyelids, I try to look away before he can see them but its to late I see his mouth draw down into a frown and I feel his arms wrap around me ‘hey shh’ he soothes ‘it’ll be okay’.

I allow myself to feel the warmth of his body, I allow myself to pretend for a fraction of a second that everything is okay all the while my heart is screaming that its not okay, it will never be okay until I can rid myself of these torturing feelings.

‘Hey Max…Liz’ I hear Tess say coming up beside us, Max pulls back and releases me to greet his girlfriend ‘hey’ he says as he leans over and kisses her cheek.

Tess glances back and forth between the two of and stops on me ‘step mom again’ she asks I just nod. In that instant I hate myself because I know she is asking out of genuine concern.

My mind races with thoughts, why does she have to be so nice, her voice is soft and worried as she asks, its sweet and sick all at the same time because I know she cares and I wish she didn’t it would make hating her so much easier.

I feel the bile rise up as I watch them exchange a soft kiss on the lips, I can hear my heart pounding heavily in my chest as the walls close around me, I have to get out of here away from them.

‘Uh... I have to go, I just remembered I have do something real fast’ I lie as I turn around to run ‘I’ll see you outside’ I say as I start to walk off.

‘Liz’ I hear his soft voice calling me, I stop and close my eyes trying to ignore the sweet melody of his voice, I don’t turn back around, I cant if I do the tears will come again and I don’t want him to see my cry, I don’t want him to know that I am stupid and selfish because I want him to see me as something other than just his best friend.

‘We’re not done’ he says softly, ‘I have to go’ I say I again and this time I keep going ignoring his call to come back.

I turn the corner and break out into full fledge run, I don’t stop until I am hidden securely in the bathroom stall, I draw my knees up and wrap my arms around them letting my head fall I start to sob.

I sob because my heart is breaking, I sob because my grades are falling because I cant concentrate anymore, I sob because I realize I actually do miss my mother, I sob because I hate that my friends cant bring me solace anymore, but most of all I sob because I know I am destroying the best thing that ever happened to me, I am slowly destroying my friendship with my best friend and he doesn’t even know.

I finally cry myself dry as I put my shaking knees down and draw my body up, I carefully peek out of the stall to make sure no one is there, I stare at my reflection for the longest time, my eyes are red and puffy, my face is pale and my cheeks are starting to sink in from not eating.

I stare and try to find the girl I used to be, the girl that was happy, the girl who knew who she was, this person staring back at me I don’t know who she is, I stare trying to find some small piece that shows she’s still there, but all I see is a lost soul.

I make my way outside and I can see them all sitting there, I stand in the shadows and watch them sitting there laughing, joking around.

I let my gaze settle on Max, I study how he laughs at something Alex says, I memorize the way the golden specks of his eyes dance as he smiles. I start to walk towards them but falter my steps when I notice their conversation turn serious.

I notice how each of their smiling faces fade one by one, I make my feet move again towards them, I notice how Isabel spots me and their conversation stops, I know they were talking about me and suddenly I stop walking.

My feet automatically turns around and I can hear Maria ‘Liz where are you going’ she calls out after me ‘ I forgot something…be right back’ I lie for the third time that day.

I don’t come back.

I walk aimlessly around the halls just taking everything in; I stop and linger at the trophy case staring at the shelves lined with first place trophies. My feet push forward walking while my eye roam over the poster filled walls.

As I pass an open classroom my steps falter and I glance in, the room is filled with easels standing nicely in a circle. I notice the room is empty and I step inside walking around I let my fingertips slide over the brushes laying there, the paper sitting clean and ready to be used.

I don’t know why but I pick up a pad and I walk back out the classroom, I walk outside passed the students sitting there joking around, the students eating their lunch, I keep walking until I am hidden under the bleachers, I sit down leaning my back against the mats stacked there and place the pad on my knees.

I pick up the pencil and I stare at the pad in front of me, at first I think this is crazy I cant draw whatever posed me to do this. I start to let my mind drift back to when things were simpler, when my life was simpler.

I fail to notice my hand is moving, I fail to notice that the sketch is starting to take form with each stroke of the pencil, I think about my father, I think about my life before Nancy came into it, I think about my friends how they each had their paths set for them, they knew what they wanted to do.

I remember when I used to, I remember when I thought about nothing but becoming a scientist and getting out of Roswell, when I look down at the sketch I am amazed to find I am finished with it.

As I study it I wonder if anyone saw it would they know that the faceless girl staring back at herself in the mirror with the caption “Who Am I’ was really me.

[Itzstacie]

Part 2

Wednesday (eight months before the cliff)

I feel someone nudging me out of my slumber, my thoughts are jumbled as vaguely I hear ‘hurry up and copy I already did the lab’.

‘Huh’ I say blinking rapidly trying to focus, when my head finally clears I see that I am in Biology class and I don’t even remember falling asleep again, it seems for the last couple of days I have been doing that.

I see a paper shoved in front of me ‘we only have ten minutes left, you fell asleep again, I did the lab’ Max says pointing to the clock.

I look at him and I can see the concern set on his face, I know he’s worried about me ‘oh…sorry’ I say as I copy the notes to my paper ‘it’s okay’ he says low, I can see him out of the corner of my eye watching me.

He’s waiting to ask me about it, he wants to know if anything has happened, the bell rings signaling the end of class, I slide his paper back and get up ‘thanks Max’ I say as I take off dropping my paper on the teacher’s desk and running out before he can say anything.

I hurry and walk fast down the halls, I can hear him calling my name but I keep walking, I don’t want to face him right now, I don’t want to talk about it.

I feel someone grab my elbow, I know its him ‘hey wait up’ he says, I turn around and sigh as I keep my gaze on the floor ‘what’s up’ comes tumbling out of my mouth.

‘You fell asleep again’ he says concerned, I nod my head ‘I’m really sorry you got stuck doing the work again’ I say.

I take the chance and glance up at him, the instant I do I find myself lost, he’s standing there piercing me with his golden eyes likes he’s trying to see deep inside my soul, that he’ll see all the answers to his question hidden deep within me.

‘Its okay’ he pauses for a minute then shakes his head ‘no…no its not okay it’s the third time this week, what’s going on Liz’ he asks ‘did something happen at home’.

I continue to stare at him while my heart and head decide to battle it out, I want to tell him that I am confused that I have these feelings starting for him and I don’t know what to do about it, I want to tell him that I am trying not to have them that I lay awake night after night fighting with myself because its wrong.

‘No nothing more than usual’ I lie, ‘then why are you falling asleep in class all of a sudden’ he starts.

‘I…’ I cant finish because I can feel the start of tears forming on my eyelids, I try to look away before he can see them but its to late I see his mouth draw down into a frown and I feel his arms wrap around me ‘hey shh’ he soothes ‘it’ll be okay’.

I allow myself to feel the warmth of his body, I allow myself to pretend for a fraction of a second that everything is okay all the while my heart is screaming that its not okay, it will never be okay until I can rid myself of these torturing feelings.

‘Hey Max…Liz’ I hear Tess say coming up beside us, Max pulls back and releases me to greet his girlfriend ‘hey’ he says as he leans over and kisses her cheek.

Tess glances back and forth between the two of and stops on me ‘step mom again’ she asks I just nod. In that instant I hate myself because I know she is asking out of genuine concern.

My mind races with thoughts, why does she have to be so nice, her voice is soft and worried as she asks, its sweet and sick all at the same time because I know she cares and I wish she didn’t it would make hating her so much easier.

I feel the bile rise up as I watch them exchange a soft kiss on the lips, I can hear my heart pounding heavily in my chest as the walls close around me, I have to get out of here away from them.

‘Uh... I have to go, I just remembered I have do something real fast’ I lie as I turn around to run ‘I’ll see you outside’ I say as I start to walk off.

‘Liz’ I hear his soft voice calling me, I stop and close my eyes trying to ignore the sweet melody of his voice, I don’t turn back around, I cant if I do the tears will come again and I don’t want him to see my cry, I don’t want him to know that I am stupid and selfish because I want him to see me as something other than just his best friend.

‘We’re not done’ he says softly, ‘I have to go’ I say I again and this time I keep going ignoring his call to come back.

I turn the corner and break out into full fledge run, I don’t stop until I am hidden securely in the bathroom stall, I draw my knees up and wrap my arms around them letting my head fall I start to sob.

I sob because my heart is breaking, I sob because my grades are falling because I cant concentrate anymore, I sob because I realize I actually do miss my mother, I sob because I hate that my friends cant bring me solace anymore, but most of all I sob because I know I am destroying the best thing that ever happened to me, I am slowly destroying my friendship with my best friend and he doesn’t even know.

I finally cry myself dry as I put my shaking knees down and draw my body up, I carefully peek out of the stall to make sure no one is there, I stare at my reflection for the longest time, my eyes are red and puffy, my face is pale and my cheeks are starting to sink in from not eating.

I stare and try to find the girl I used to be, the girl that was happy, the girl who knew who she was, this person staring back at me I don’t know who she is, I stare trying to find some small piece that shows she’s still there, but all I see is a lost soul.

I make my way outside and I can see them all sitting there, I stand in the shadows and watch them sitting there laughing, joking around.

I let my gaze settle on Max, I study how he laughs at something Alex says, I memorize the way the golden specks of his eyes dance as he smiles. I start to walk towards them but falter my steps when I notice their conversation turn serious.

I notice how each of their smiling faces fade one by one, I make my feet move again towards them, I notice how Isabel spots me and their conversation stops, I know they were talking about me and suddenly I stop walking.

My feet automatically turns around and I can hear Maria ‘Liz where are you going’ she calls out after me ‘ I forgot something…be right back’ I lie for the third time that day.

I don’t come back.

I walk aimlessly around the halls just taking everything in; I stop and linger at the trophy case staring at the shelves lined with first place trophies. My feet push forward walking while my eye roam over the poster filled walls.

As I pass an open classroom my steps falter and I glance in, the room is filled with easels standing nicely in a circle. I notice the room is empty and I step inside walking around I let my fingertips slide over the brushes laying there, the paper sitting clean and ready to be used.

I don’t know why but I pick up a pad and I walk back out the classroom, I walk outside passed the students sitting there joking around, the students eating their lunch, I keep walking until I am hidden under the bleachers, I sit down leaning my back against the mats stacked there and place the pad on my knees.

I pick up the pencil and I stare at the pad in front of me, at first I think this is crazy I cant draw whatever posed me to do this. I start to let my mind drift back to when things were simpler, when my life was simpler.

I fail to notice my hand is moving, I fail to notice that the sketch is starting to take form with each stroke of the pencil, I think about my father, I think about my life before Nancy came into it, I think about my friends how they each had their paths set for them, they knew what they wanted to do.

I remember when I used to, I remember when I thought about nothing but becoming a scientist and getting out of Roswell, when I look down at the sketch I am amazed to find I am finished with it.

As I study it I wonder if anyone saw it would they know that the faceless girl staring back at herself in the mirror with the caption “Who Am I’ was really me.

Part 5

The morning sunlight shines thru the window blinding causing me to squeeze my eyes shut harder, my head is throbbing, my body is stiff, and I clearly understand the meaning behind feeling like a Mac truck ran over me.

I hear a rustling sound close by and my eyes pop open against the protest of my pounding head, I realize suddenly that this bed is to soft to be mine, and the walls are not the color of mine.

Scanning the room slowly I notice the bookshelf lined with books and immediately I know I am in Max’s room, how the hell I got here is beyond me, the last thing I remember is showing up at Stephen’s party.

I sit up slowly bringing my hand to my pulsating head hoping to ease some of the tension there ‘headache’ I hear his voce say, I look over and see Max standing there rolling up his sleeping bag.

I nod my head ‘how… how did I get here’ I ask, my brain it total mush right now and it hurts to much to try and figure it out, he looks at me for a moment then shakes his head disappointed ‘you don’t remember’ ‘if I did I wouldn’t have asked’ I bit out.

He looks shocked for a moment at my tone, he turns and sighs ‘you showed up here last night’ he turns and looks at me ‘or I should say you showed up at two this morning drunk off your ass’ he says making it a point to let me know he is not happy.

‘Oh’ is all I can say, I push the cover aside and slowly bring my legs over to the side of the bed, I still for a moment trying to get the room to stop spinning ‘um…did I…did I do or say anything’ I ask in fear.

He ignores my question and I watch out of the corner of my eye as he walks over and puts his sleeping bag away, he turns and leans back against his desk crossing his arms over his chest ‘why do you have something to hide’ he states.

Regret and fear instantly claw its way up making the room slowly close in around me, I quickly look at anything but him ‘no’ I lie ‘I just want to know if said anything’ I ask. He raised his eyebrow ‘for someone who doesn’t have something to hide, sure is making a big deal out of wanting to know’ he says.

“I don’t have anything to hide’ I snap, getting up ‘if you don’t want to tell me then fine, I feel like shit and I’m to tired to fight with you’ he releases his arms and stalks over to me ‘sit down’ he orders.

My eyes widen at the authority of his voice, Max has never spoken to me that way and honestly it scared the shit out of me ‘I can’t…I….I have to get home, before my parents notice I’m gone’ I lie.

He shakes his head and pushes me back down on the bed ‘I already called your dad and told him you were here, I told him you came over to watch a movie and feel asleep, so try something else’ he says.

I close my eyes and look away ‘what do you want from me Max’ I sigh, he kneels down to my level ‘I want to know why you are killing yourself’ he says.

I shake my head in denial ‘I am not killing myself’ ‘Then why are you drinking…is it because of this guy’ he ask, my eyes widen as I feel my heart picking up speed ‘guy’ I squeak out mortified as I desperately try to remember what I said last night.

He stands up and starts fiddling with things in his room, his back is turned and I can’t see his face ‘last night you told me you were in love with someone, but he didn’t seem to notice’ he stops and turns back to face me ‘who is it’ he asks.

I clasp my hand tightly and shove them underneath my legs when they won’t stop shaking ‘no one…no one you know’ I lie.

‘Does he go to school with us’ he probes “No’ I quickly shout out another lie ‘where does he go’ I shake my head ‘nowhere….look he doesn’t have anything to do with this’ I lie again.

‘Then why all the drinking’ he says ‘because’ I snap, I quickly close my mouth forcing away what I was going to say ‘look just drop it okay, I’m fine, its not your concern’.

‘It is my concern when you show up at MY house drunk’ he yells, I bring my hands up rubbing my temples cursing at the tension that wont go away ‘fine…I’m sorry okay it wont happen again’.

“Your right it won’t’ he says and his tone scares me, I snap my head up to meet him ‘I can’t stand by and watch you do this to yourself anymore’ he says. “Fine don’t’ I say getting up and walking towards the window.

He grabs my arm before I can get there, turning me around forcing me to look at him ‘if you don’t help yourself and talk to someone and stop this drinking I have no choice but to go to your father’ he states.

I feel rage bubbling up from the pit of my stomach taking over the fear ‘don’t threaten me’ I state harsh ‘it’s not a threat’ he says staring at me willing to say something else.

“Stay out of it Max’ I yell as I yank my arm free ‘what I do with my life is my business, you are not my boyfriend so don’t tell me what to do’ I yell as I push the window open and leap out before he can say anything else, my feet hit the pavement and I run hard, my feet pounding heavily against the cement not stopping until I am home.

I hide myself in the confides of my shower as my mind reels with Max said, it shook me to the core that he would tell my father, that’s the one thing I don’t need. I desperately search for a way to clear this up a way to hide my actions.

I have to be more careful, I have to blend in better, play the part better, I curse at myself for being so careless, for let my actions put me in this predicament.

I go thru the day my mind nagging at me, I jump every time I hear the bell over the door in fear of it being Max. I try and play the nice waitress ignoring the humming of my body.

My body is craving for a drink, just a small sip to stop the shakes, when my break comes I dash upstairs and take a couple of sip from the bottle I have hidden in my room. I feel my body instantly start to relax, I become functional again.

I go back downstairs to finish my shift, I stop frozen when I look up and see Max and Tess sitting in a booth, I turn around and quickly pop a piece of gum in my mouth trying to cover my guilt of drinking. I walk up pretending like nothing is going, like nothing happened last night or this morning.

Max stares at me frowning he knows I’m trying to play it off, he doesn’t say anything but continues to watch me out of the corner of his eyes. When a group of jocks come in that I have gotten to know from the parties his eyes hardened.

I walk over and start joking and laughing around with them, I can feel his eyes boring into the back of my head, I fear I had before is replaced with stubbornness, I make it a point of letting him see that he didn’t get to me.

I accept a date from Paul one of the basketball players for tonight, I make the plans and I turn to stare at Max willing him to say something, showing him that I am not going to let him control me. He shakes his head and turns away.

The rest of the time he ignores me, and I ignore him right back, I finish my shift and I don’t bother saying anything as I leave to go get dressed.

Paul picks me up and we wind up at the park sitting in his car joking around and drinking, he leans over and kisses me and I am so numb from the alcohol that I desperately start searching for a feeling sitting here with Paul in the back seat of his car.

I let him kiss me; touch me hoping that I will feel something, anything. I can tell his hands are moving but I can’t feel them.

I squeeze my eyes shut searching for a tingle, or a goose bump from his caresses, anything would be good I would even welcome roughness but I don’t feel anything.

I hear the yanking of the car door opening and I open my eyes to see Paul being pulled off my by two strong arms, I clutch my shirt closed as I hear shouting.

“Get out of the dam car Liz’ I hear screamed, I instantly start shaking his voice is commanding, frightening ‘NOW’ he yells causing me to jump.

I climb out of the car grabbing my purse and the bottle of alcohol that I was drinking from, the minute I do I want to crawl back in and hide like a small child, Max is standing there his eyes full of fury, I can see his jaw clenching and unclenching tightly.

He grabs my hand and starts pulling me in the other direction, I can hear Paul’s protest, but they stop the minute Max stop and stares back at him.

He doesn’t say anything to him but turns and starts walking dragging me behind him, my body is shaking so badly causing my knees to buckle, and I stumble trying to keep up.

Suddenly a tidal wave washes thru my stomach and I yank my arm away falling to my knees I vomit, nothing but liquid comes out, the fear in me causes my stomach to turn and turn as I continue to throw up.

I feel someone pull my hair back away from my face, I close my eyes begging the dizziness to stop, I stay on my hands and knees for a few minutes ‘finished’ his voice is harsh and cold, I wait making sure my stomach has settled some before nodding my head.

He helps me to my feet, I’m frozen with fear and I watch as the stares at me ‘button your shirt’ he commands and I look down quickly grabbing the buttons, my fingers trembling and fumbling to get it closed.

I bring my arms back down waiting, the rain is pelting down on us, ugly fat drops beating down on our skin punishing me ‘What the hell were you thinking’ he demands.

He doesn’t let me answer ‘is that the guy you were talking about…is Paul the one your in love with’. I open mouth to scared to say something I clamp it back shut and shake my head no and stare at the ground.

‘I don’t believe you’ he shouts ‘what the hell were you thinking….how could you do something so stupid’ he turns and stares hard at me ‘answer me’ , ‘I…I don’t know’ is all I can say, I bite hard on my bottom lip as I bring my eyes up to meet his.

He clenches his jaw hard before he walks towards me, I take a step back I can’t stop the fear that is coursing thru my veins ‘you don’t know’ he mocks.

I watch as he searches my face, his eyes piercing deep inside me ‘who the hell are you’ my eyes widen a bit at his outburst.

“Because honestly I don’t know anymore, you’re clearly not the same girl I know, you’re not the girl who’s been my best friend for my entire life’ he says.

He shakes his head ‘what happened to the Liz I know, where is she…I know she’s in there somewhere…the Liz I know wouldn’t do this’ he says bending and picking up the bottle.

He clenches it tightly in his hand, for a moment I am scared his is going to smash the bottle right there in his hand, he stares at me ‘where is she’ he pleads with me, I see his eyes begging me to talk, to say something and I cant. My vocal cords are choking the words lodging them in my throat.

‘Dammit Liz, talk to me, how can I help you if don’t open your dam mouth and talk’ he shouts, I still say nothing and he throws the bottle with force smashing it against the tree, I jump terrified but something at the same time clicks inside me and I snap.

All of a sudden I’m angry, fuming and I don’t know why ‘maybe I don’t want your help, god why cant you all just leave me the hell alone…LEAVE ME ALONE’ I shout, I cant do this anymore I turn and start walking away.

I feel his hands grab me swinging me around ‘NO…no more walking away from this’ ‘WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME’I scream at the top of my lungs.

The next thing I know his hands cradle my face and his lips are on mine demanding entrance into mine, its not soft but fierce, hungry, he nips at my lower lip and I instantly open up, his tongue swoops in and tangles with mine.

My heart is pounding and my head is spinning so fast, I put my hands up and they land on his chest, I can feel is heart pounding in rhythm with mine, before I can do anything else, he pulls back instantly his eyes wide ‘I don’t know why I did that’ he says backing away.

He runs a shaky hand thru his drenched hair, my eyes are huge and all I can do is stand there breathing heavily, my lips till tingle and I bring my hand up touching my lip.

“It was a mistake…I’m sorry’ he says trying to convince his self as well, I want to scream no it wasn’t, I want to ask him why.

My mouth wont form the words, all I can do is stand there shivering staring at him, he sees me trembling ‘come on ill take you home’ he says holding my elbow and guiding me towards his jeep.

The ride home is silent; I’m glued to the door staring out of the window at the rain dancing down making patterns against it.

Rain water drops from my hair mingling in with my silent tears, I don’t even notice that we have pulled up to the alley and he’s stopped the car.

He stares out of the window for a moment then turns his head ‘Liz’ he whispers my name and I squeeze my eyes shut, willing myself to stop crying.

Playing it off I push my hair back on my face and quickly wipe my eyes, I turn and look at him ‘I shouldn’t have done that’ he says ‘I’m really sorry…I don’t want to lose you as a friend, please tell your not mad’ he says.

His words pierce deep as it stabs at my heart, I nod my head and look back out at the pouring rain as he says ‘it wont happen again…I promise’ he whispers the last part, I just nod my head and step out of the jeep.

I take my time walking to my ladder, wishing the rain to wash away the hurt. I should feel guilty but I don’t, I make my way up my ladder when my feet hit the balcony I can hear him starting the jeep.

I crawl thru the window and throw myself down on my bed curling up, not caring that I am soaked to the bone, I touch my lips once more and I can’t help the sob that escapes me.


Part 6

Its been two weeks since that night in the rain, two weeks of non-ending torture for me, we haven’t talked about it, in fact he acts like it never happened at all.

But for me its constantly there, I always wondered what it would be like to feel his lips on mine and now that I have I cant get rid of the want, the need to feel them again.

I go along with him absent-mildly pretending nothing happened, the repercussions of that night stays with me thou, I feel guiltier than I ever have.

I almost lost my virginity to a guy I had no feelings for what so ever, I almost gave up my innocence because I wanted to feel something, in that moment I wanted to close my eyes and feel like somebody gave a dam, somebody actually cared.

And the worst part was I let myself pretend that he would, when in fact all he was looking for a piece of action with no strings attached.

I guess the good thing that came out it was that I realized that I was losing control, I was spiraling downwards into the black hole without a way out, I had to take some form of control back in my life before I was lost altogether.

I can say that Max’s threat played a part in that; I truly believed he would go to my father, he would expose my secrets and I couldn’t let him do that.

So I forced myself to take part of life back even if it was a small one, I didn’t go to parties the last two weekends, instead I threw myself into sketching more, I stayed locked in my room with my floor littered with endless drawings.

I tried to tell myself to stop drinking but its like my body disagreed, the minute the shakes started I took a sip, I told myself that its okay because I was just doing it to lessen the tension, to stop my hands from shaking, I couldn’t draw if I had a shaky hand.

I don’t know what’s worse thou, when I would drink myself in oblivion and forget everything dealing with it afterwards, or if the fact that I have reduced myself to stealing sips here and there. All I know is big red has become a permanent factor among my things of necessitates.

I told myself its okay because I’m putting the effort back into my friendships, I’m putting the effort there by forcing myself to hang out with them, to sit with them at lunch, to put up with their disapproving looks and whispering words of worry.

They don’t ask me if im okay anymore, they don’t ask me anything about my personal life, I think they have given up, part of me is happy because I no longer have to lie to them by telling them that I am fine, the other half is furious, they are suppose to be my friends, they are suppose to see that I am dying inside.

But then I get angry at myself, how can I expect them to see when I am the one who is hiding, how do you help someone when in fact that person doesn’t want to help themselves first. I know I am a coward; I hide behind my sketches and liquor bottles, because the fact is it’s so much easier to hide.

Saturday I was in my room like I had done the past weekends, I guess you can imagine my surprise when Nancy knocked on my door and informed that Max was here.

I quickly jumped up quickly grabbing the sketches up so he wouldn’t see, he didn’t say anything at first just leaned against the door frame staring at me, I hid the papers inside my sketch book ‘what are you doing here Max’ I ask making sure they were none left around.

‘I came to kidnap you’ he says sporting a half grin, I cant help when my lips turn up sporting a small smile ‘kidnap’ I ask.

He unfolds his arms and walks into the room ‘yeah we haven’t spent the day together in a long time, I wanted to do something just the two of us’ he says shoving his hands into his pockets.

‘What about Tess’ I blurt out, I immediately bite the inside of my cheek regretting it, but just looking at him she was the first thing to pop in my mind. I mean she’s in there all the time like a nasty little conscience bug reminding me that she his girlfriend.

It makes it all the more harder because she hasn’t done anything wrong, she just the girlfriend of my best friend, my best friend that I am hopelessly head over in heels in love with. How can I break them up when they are happy with each other?

‘It was her idea actually’ he says nervously for some reason as he shifts back and forth on his feet. I frown immediately so he’s doing this for her not because he wanted to ‘I don’t need anyone’s pity’ I say bitterly.

He stops and walks forwards ‘its not about pity’ he takes a breath ‘she just thought it would be a good idea so she mentioned it and besides I wanted to do this too’.

‘Sound real convincing there Max’ I snap out shaking my head as I turn my back to him and pick up my sketch book. I hear him take a ragged sigh ‘I don’t want to fight with you…I really wanted to do this, its been a long time and I…I miss you’ he says.

My wall is up, my heart is guarded and I am on the attack ‘no you don’t, you just want to check up on me, see if I’m being the good little Liz Parker like everyone expects’ ‘that’s not it at all’ he snaps back, but I don’t let him finish ‘As you can see I am fine, I’m staying home like a good little daughter’.

‘Liz come on, please don’t do this’ he pleads, but its to late I’m on the defensive ‘don’t do what! State the truth, you think I don’t see how you all look at me, you think I don’t hear the whispering’.

I walk over and point to the door ‘for the last time I am fine, I’m not going to run to a party, I’m not going to get drunk, so you can just leave now, run back to your little group and give them your dam report’.

He doesn’t move but stands there blinking at my outburst, I can see the shimmering of hurt in his eyes, ‘you really believe that’s all I want to do is check up on you’ he says shaking his head ‘forgive me for wanting to spend the day with my best friend, forgive me for giving a damn’ he says storming towards the door.

I sigh defeated and grab his arm before he can get out, he looks at me and it shocks me, I can see his eyes glistening and I suddenly feel like the biggest ass ‘I’m sorry’ I whisper out, he stares down at where my hand is holding his arm but doesn’t say anything, I pull my hand back ‘ I just had a bad night…I didn’t mean to take it out on you’.

He brings his gaze up to my face and I avert my eyes because I know if I look into his I’ll drown. ‘If the offer still stands I would lov, I would like to spend the day with you…I miss you too’ I say blowing out my breath.

I look up in time to see a flicker of something pass in his eyes ‘truce’ I ask, he stares for a minute then smiles one of those smiles that automatically make you smile too.

‘Okay’ he says walking back in the room, I quickly run in the bathroom and brush my hair pulling it up into a ponytail ‘not now’ I mumble when I notice my hand shaking.

I quickly squat and dig out the bottle of Jack that I have hidden inside the cabinet, I bring it to my lips and let the liquid burn my throat and I take two gulps, I return the bottle and quickly grab my toothbrush brushing away any evidence.

I close my eyes for a minute letting the alcohol runs its course thru my veins calming me, when I leave the bathroom my eyes widened quickly ‘DON’T TOUCH THAT’ I yell diving for my sketchbook.

He jumps startled and drops the cover back down ‘I’m sorry’ he says and quickly takes a step back when I rush and snatch the book up, once its safely in my possession I look at him ‘I…I didn’t meant to yell at you, these are just not for anyone to see’ I say.

He nods his head and shoves his hands in his pockets pushing the issue away ‘okay…are you ready’ he asks, I nod my head yes and quickly shove the sketchbook underneath my mattress before following him out.

I shout I’m leaving and Max passes me a look when Nancy hollers ‘don’t do anything to get Max in trouble Elizabeth’.

Our day ended with us at the lake, our special place I like to call it, when Max and I were thirteen we found this place and we kept it a secret, it was a place for us to go when we just wanted to get away, to spend time in the quiet.

The days itself was indescribable, he kept his word and it was just the two of us and the amazing part was that I actually found myself laughing the whole day and not once did I think of drinking when were gone.

We drove over to the next town, its not as small as Roswell and they have this little amusement park that we all used to go to during our breaks, I honestly feel like it was magical, for the first time in a long time I felt like me again.

I lay back on the blanket that he put down staring up at the sky memorizing the way the stars are starting to play peek a boo behind the evening clouds.

He turns and looks at me for a moment then turns his gaze back out towards the lake ‘did I do something wrong that I am not aware of’ he asks out of the blue, I am momentarily frozen for a minute by his question, today’s events washed away as I am reminded how terrible my life has become, he looks down over at me expecting an answer I quickly shake my head no.

“Do you trust me’ he asks, again I have lost my voice and I shake my head yes, ‘then why don’t you talk to me anymore, I feel like I did something that caused you to stop believing in me to help you’ he says.

I close my eyes fighting against the tears that want to fall, he’s right he has done nothing but be there for me and has tried and tried again but I keep pushing him away, he has done nothing but be my friend and I am punishing him because my heart isn’t strong enough.

I turn my head gazing at the tree that Max and I used to climb all the time when were little as I sit up, my voice is so low that part of me prays he doesn’t hear me when I whisper ‘she hit me’.

His head whips around staring at me ‘who’ he demands, his voice is hard, by the tone I can instantly tell he is angry, I find myself drawing in my bottom lip biting down on it as I try and gather the courage to tell him who.

He raises his hand and bring my chin back around to face him ‘who Liz’ he says, I close my eyes as the first tear streaks down my face ‘Nancy’ I whisper out, his eyes widen for a moment then they turn into something else ‘when’ he asks.

I whip my head out of his hand as I shrug my shoulders ‘a while ago’ I say bringing my gaze back to the tree, he runs a hand thru his hair and sighs ‘was it the first time’ he asks, I feel my body starting to shake as I draw my knees up closer to my chest.

He knows the answer by my lack of speech ‘Have you told your dad’ he says, I quickly whip around to him ‘no, and you cant say anything’ I say worrying, my father cant know about this, I cant let him know.

‘Liz you have to tell him’ he argues ‘NO” I yell, I get on my hands and knees gripping his shoulder ‘swear to me Max, swear to me you wont tell him’ I say squeezing his shoulder as my eyes widen in panic.

‘You can’t let her get away with this’ he says his voice softening trying to comfort me ‘Max promise me you wont say anything, if ….if you do I’ll deny it’ I say frantically crying, he draws me closer to him pulling him on his lap ‘okay…okay I wont say anything’ he reassures.

His arms wrap around me tightly rocking back and forth, and I let myself get lost in the feel of his arms around me, I continue to let the tears fall down my face as he plays with the back of my hair trying to calm me down.

When my cries die down to a whispering sniffle, he releases me ‘I’m sorry’ he says, I scoot back over to my side of the blanket as I ask him why, he looks at me ‘I should have been there to stop her’ he says.

“Max you cant be there twenty four hours a day, and besides you have your own life to live’ I say sighing, ‘I know its just I should have been a better friend, I should have pushed you more…I knew you weren't acting like yourself and I did nothing to help you’ he says.

I start picking at the ends of the blanket twirling a loose strand tightly around my finger ‘Max you have helped more than you know’ he looks at me unbelievable ‘how’ he asks, I turn and look at him ‘you’re here with me now, you never gave up on me, I told you what was going on’ its not a total lie, I just left out the part that I am madly in love with him.

‘And…and this thing with Nancy I’m sure it will pass its only happened a couple of times and to be honest I provoked it’ I said. I felt him put his arm around my shoulder drawing me closer to him, I let my eyes close as I feel him kiss the top of my head ‘I wish there was something I could do’ he whispers.

I sigh and breathe him in as I whisper ‘just be there Max…just be there’.

[Itzstacie]

***WARING***

This chapter contains foul lanuage and sexual contents, if you want to skip it pm me and i will give you a quick run down of what happens.


Part 7

Control

It’s actually kind of ironic when you think about it, that one word is practically the center of your being.

When working you have to maintain control when an irate customer decides they didn’t like something and proceed to take it out on you. In school you have to maintain it in the classrooms, you have to sit down, shut up and do your work.

At home you have to maintain control when you parents are in the mood to pick on you for every little thing, you have to hold your tongue knowing if you say something it would only make it worse.

Control is what we live with every second of the day, it consumes you, taunt you, because when it takes over you, you suddenly find yourself on a totally different path in life.

When you lose it you have to deal with the repercussions of what happened or what was said, because when you lose control you are no longer yourself for however long it takes you grasp it back again.

If I had known that losing mine and making Max lose his would leave us, leave me with wanting to let go of that cliff I would have tried harder to hold onto that control, I would have never taunted him into losing his.

The weekend wasn’t suppose to happen the way it did, Tess wasn’t suppose to be out of town, she should have been here for his birthday, it should have been her that day.

We were hanging out at the Crash Down celebrating Max’s birthday, his parents had gotten him a motorcycle, something he had been wanting for a while now. The six of us Max, Michael, Maria, Alex, Isabel and I were just sitting around goofing off.

I’m not sure how exactly it got started or who brought the subject up, but Michael and Alex were teasing Max saying he was too much of a goody-too shoes, never trying anything new, always in control.

A bet was made between Max and I, a bet I should have never took, he dared me that I couldn’t make him lose control, so the board was set, the pieces put into action, the players Max and I, who would have known that neither of us would be winners in the end.

‘So Miss Parker what exactly do you have planned’ he asks as I slip in easily behind him on his new motorcycle, I look at him and grin ‘you’ll see but first the rules’ I say, his eyes widened a bit ‘rules’ he stammers.

I shake my head yes ‘whatever happens you must keep the bike moving’ he shakes his head yes ‘and no matter what you must keep your hands on the handlebars’ he raises his eyebrow and I add ‘we wouldn’t want to have an accident would we’.

‘Just what are you planning to do’ he asks me wearily, I direct his head to face the front and I scoot closer to him until there is no space left in-between us ‘I’m going to make you lose control Max’ I whisper into his ear.

He glances back at me and I stare into his eyes as he studies me trying to see if my emotions will give anything away, I smile as he gives a shaky nod ‘okay’ and starts the bike up ‘are you ready’ he asks.

I grip his waist a little harder ‘are you’ I whisper seductively, he backs the bike up positioning us to go forward ‘remember you said I could do anything I wanted’ I whisper, I can feel him take a deep breath and he shakes his head yes.

On some level I tell myself he knows what’s going to happen, he knows that this is going to change both of our lives; some part of me tells me he wants this just as much as I do.

I wait until we are on the highway heading towards our special place, I remove my hands from his waist and slide them to the buttons of his shirt, I pop open the first one and I bit my lip from laughing when I feel the bike jerk slightly.

‘What are you doing’ he asks as I continue to unbutton his shirt, ‘proving you wrong’ I whisper. “Liz’ he gasps as I rake my nails down his now exposed chest. I let my fingers memorize the ridges of his stomach, the hard firmness of his biceps.

I slowly drag my fingers up brushing them across his nipple, I feel them tighten under my assault as the wind whips around us, and I can hear his breathing coming out harder, I can see his hands gripping the handlebars tightly.

I lean in closer and hear his sharp intake of breath as I start nipping at his neck and start sliding my hand down to the waistband of his jeans.

He grips the handlebars tighter and the bike jerks forward going faster as I unsnap his jeans ‘oh God’ I hear him gasp out as I start to unzip the zipper, I see his hand leaving ‘no Max, you promised’ I whisper.

He brings his shaky hand back to the handlebars ‘Lizz’ he pleads, I can feel his body trembling against mine, I don’t know if its because he’s scared or the anticipation of what is going to happen, I let my fingers slide underneath his boxers and glide thru the soft hair leading towards my goal.

‘Oh God…Lizz’ he pants heavily as I wrap my fingers around his rapidly growing member, I take satisfaction in feeling him harden underneath my fingers ‘Lizz’ his voice is deeper, huskier, I feel something stirring inside me, I know I’m playing a dangerous game but God do I love it right now.

I love knowing that I can do this to him; I’m letting myself believe that he wants this, he hasn’t pushed me away, and in fact his hand has left the handlebar and is gripping my thigh tightly.

I stroke him faster as we head into the secluded area of the lake, I am so focused on bringing him release that I fail to notice he’s stopped the bike and pulling me towards the front.

He whips me around so fast that I am straddling him and his mouth attacks mine hard, his tongue demands entrance into my mouth and I give it to him, I am so dazed with sexual frenzy that it doesn’t even register when he yanks my skirt up and slams into me.

I am drowning in a sea of pure lust and greed that it doesn’t register I just gave my virginity to Max, I feel myself climbing to something higher and all I want is to reach that goal, I want to reach it and sore above it.

I close my eyes as our tongues devour each other and our hands grasp and fondle anything they can reach, I feel his hand grasp my waist tighter and he starts to pick up speed, I feel myself exploding as I scream out his name, I can barely feel him go rigid and scream out as he explodes inside of me.

His head is resting on my chest as we both try and catch our breathes, the realization of what just happened slams into me hard and I am scared to open my eyes, I’m scared to see what is going to happen.

‘Oh God’ I hear him say as I feel him slide out of me and push back to get off the bike, my legs are shaking uncontrollably as I try to prepare myself for what’s going to happen, this wasn’t something that can be swept under the rug.

I open my eyes to see him pacing wildly back and forth mumbling under his breath, I slide off the bike and push my skirt back down ‘Liz what the hell were you thinking’ he shouts causing me to jump.

I open and close my mouth trying to get words to form ‘Jesus Christ Liz, I have a girlfriend…. you know that…why the hell’ he turns and stares hard at me ‘you planned this all along didn’t you’ I take a step back and he takes another gripping my arms ‘didn’t you’ he shouts.

I shake my head no, I wasn’t expecting things to go this far, I wasn’t expecting us to have sex, I only wanted him to know what it felt like to lose control ‘I don’t believe you’ he accuses me, he pushes me away and steps back.

‘I don’t know you at all…do I’ he says ‘when did you become a slut’ he states, my eyes widened at his statement and I feel the rage bubbling up ‘excuse me’ I say stepping up to him ‘you heard me first Paul then this’ he says waving his hands around.

I shove him as I start screaming at him ‘you know nothing happened with Paul…and this as you say I wasn’t the only one who was a willing partner, you were to one who took it the next step’ I yell as I shove him again.

‘Don’t put this on me’ he shouts ‘this is all your fault, if you hadn’t done what you did’ he stops then shakes his head, coming up he grips my arms hard ‘if you tell anyone’ he says.

‘Let go of me your hurting me’ I yell as I struggle against his grip ‘if you tell anyone I’ll deny it’ he says, he lets go hard and I stumble back ‘you better keep your mouth shut Liz’ he threatens.

‘Or what’ I remark, my body is shaking with rage, I’m so pissed off that he is blaming me, it wasn’t just me, its his fault too. His eyes bore into mine and I bit my lip at the way he’s looking at me ‘you just better not say anything to anyone’ he demands.

‘It was a mistake Liz, I’m sorry everything got out of hand’ he says a little cooler “I’m not’ I blurt out, ‘Wha. What’ he stutters out, he standing there dumbfounded and I let it all out ‘I’m not sorry’ I say more confident this time.

“Liz’ he starts but I don’t let him, I start pacing “God Max…I wish I did feel bad, but I don’t. I know it was wrong but I don’t feel it, don’t you understand…all this time and you still cant see it’ I say.

I can see him shaking his head as he watches me pace back and forth ‘I’ve tried to tell myself not to…I’ve told myself that I would only hurt myself…’I’ve fought it and fought but it just consumes me every waking minute’.

‘What’ he shouts causing me to stop and I turn to look at him ‘I love you’ I confess, he stands there blinking at me ‘do you hear me Max…I am in love with you’ I said, even thou I know my world is crumbling down around me I cant help but fill some weight has been lifted.

He doesn’t say anything and I feel myself sinking lower as my heart begins to twist into knots ‘I’ve tried to fight it, but I cant help it’ I say as I shake my head forcing back the tears that want to fall.

He steps back some stunned at my declaration ‘This can’t happen Liz’ he finally says, I look up at him ‘why’ I ask, he shakes his head ‘Liz you are my best friend…I have a girlfriend…there are a hundred different reasons’ he says.

‘Jesus Liz you cant just throw this at me’ he says like he’s still trying to process what I said. I watch as he closes his eyes for a few minutes then opens them back up ‘what happened today was nothing but a horrible mistake’ he says coming closer ‘you were saying that a few minutes ago when you were slamming into me’ I retort harshly.

He shuts up and his eyes turn hard ‘I’m not getting into it again with you, it was mistake, it wont happen again and if you value our friendship you will keep you big mouth shut’ he says.

‘Go Fuck yourself’ I yell as I slap him hard across the cheek, I don’t give him time to react as I take off running towards the highway. I don’t stop running until my knees feel like they are going to give out on me, my legs are still on fire reminding me of what happened a few minutes ago.

‘Get on the bike’ he hollers pulling up next to me, I keep my arms crossed my face staring straight ahead, I wont let him see me cry ‘go to hell Max’ I say as I keep walking.

‘Fine…suit yourself…walk back…see if I care’ he yells and takes off, only then do I let the tears fall, I rub my face violently cursing at my tears that wont stop. I give up on trying as my tears continue to betray me and wrap my arms tighter around myself as I walk back towards town.

I hear the roar of the motorbike in the distant, its getting closer and I’m tempted to run and hide, but I don’t. I keep my head down as he skids the bike up the side of me pushing dust and sand everywhere.

‘Get On!’ he says demanding, his eyes are piercing mine, I actually feel my body tremble with fear, but I refuse I keep walking past him. I hear him cut the engine and the next thing I feel is a hand whipping my body around ‘I said get on the fucking bike Liz’.

‘Fuck you Max, you don’t own me’ I yell as I angrily push my hair back that keeps slipping down in front of my face, ‘That’s it’ I hear him say and then I feel myself being lifted off my feet and thrown over his shoulder.

‘Put me down’ I scream as I struggle against him ‘no’ he says and continues to walk towards the bike ‘Damn you’ I yell as I start to pound on his back ‘put me down…put me down right now’.

He deposits me right in front of the bike and I don’t waist time bringing my hand up to hit him, he catches my wrist before it can make contact startling me, I stare up at him ‘don’t even’ he says dropping my arm.

I stand there and fold my arms across my chest determined to stand there all night I have to, I refuse to get back on the bike with him, he glares at me then picks me up and puts me on the bike ‘don’t move’ he says.

‘I hate you’ I sneer at him as drape my leg over the bike, he stares at me for a minute and I watch as he frowns getting on the bike. I scoot back as far as I can so my body doesn’t touch his ‘hold on I don’t need you to fall off’ he orders, I don’t move ‘what do you care’ I snap at him, his next words are the final piece that jabs my heart ‘I don’t’ I barely register when he finishes ‘your dad would thou’ he says yanking my hand and placing it on his waist.

He starts the bike back up and we head back to town in silence, I jump off before he has time to turn the bike off when we make it back to the Crash Down, I ignore Maria and Michael as they ask how the ride was, I ignore my father who tells me I need to cover for someone.

I run straight to my room slamming my bedroom door and sliding down I bring my knees up close to my chest and that’s when it finally hits me, I destroyed the one thing that matter the most to me, I destroyed the last link that had been keeping me sane.

[Itzstacie]

Part 8

A week later

I bury my head further in my locker hurrying to get my books so I can avoid them, all week I’ve been hiding, evading them every chance I get. I can’t face them.

I hide among the faces so they can’t see me; I hide so I can watch them from afar. I watch them laughing, smiling, I watch them whisper, I watch him.

Closing my locker I silently groan when I run into a pair of blue eyes ‘Hi Liz’ she says nervously ‘Tess’ I respond clutching my books closer to my chest.

“Can I talk to you for a second’ she asks, I advert my eyes ‘please’ she says when I get ready to respond with a lie, I sigh and nod my head.

‘I was wondering if everything was okay, I noticed you haven’t been around us all week’ she says, I lower my eyes trying to hide my emotions ‘and I asked Max about it but he wont talk and I’m worried’ she says.

Just hearing his name makes my heart pound heavy ‘I think something happened but he wont talk to me and I was wondering if you would tell me what’s going on’ she asks, I shake my head no as I feel the bile rising up, I know exactly what happened and the guilt eats me alive as I stand there and lie ‘you’ll have to ask him, I haven’t spoken to him in over a week’ I say as I turn to leave.

‘But your best friends’ she yells ‘you have to know’, I turn back and face her ‘not anymore’ is all I say turning and leaving, as I do I slam into a hard body and two strong arms reach out grabbing my arms stopping me from falling.

I close my eyes against the familiar feeling and force the tears back before opening my eyes, I will them to open and see the mirrored heartbroken expression looking back at me, the same haunted look that I have been living with. All your fault the words slam into me and I immediately pull out of his hands.

I don’t say anything but push past him not looking back as I walk swiftly down that hall disappearing in the ladies room, I lock myself into a stall and reach for my bag. I down the hard liquor closing my eyes as I let it burn thru my veins.

I stumble into biology class and make my way to my desk, as I go to sit down I fail to notice my rear completely missing the stool until I find myself laying flat on my back and staring at the ceiling.

I can’t help it and a fit of giggles burst threw me like a kid in a candy store. As I start to calm myself down I see a figure standing over with his hands on his hips ‘Are you okay Miss Parker’ Mr. Hardy asks me a I roll over to my knees.

‘Just fine and dandy’ I laugh preparing to pull myself up ‘well then I think now that you have seen the floor you should take your seat so we can begin class’ I laugh ‘but its so much nicer down here’ I say.

I hear him sigh and then see him bending down taking my arm he glides me up and let’s go, I stumble back hitting the table behind me sending papers flying everywhere and I burst out laughing again.

‘Oops sorrry’ I singsong out as I continue to sway, a drunken hiccup escapes me and i bat aimlessly at a lose hair hanging there, I notice the entire class is amused and smiling except for three pair of eyes, I notice how they glance at each other and I can see the sadness behind them, I stare into a pair of golden hurt eyes and I stop laughing abruptly.

‘Hmm I’ll just pick these up’ I say as I stumble over to the papers, I feel an arm grab my elbow and twirl me around, taking a whiff ‘have you been drinking Miss Parker’ he asks me. I stare at him as I tap my finger against my chin pretending to be thinking.

I raise my finger like I just made this great discovery ‘why yes…yes I believe I have’ I say as the class breaks out into laughter. “Miss Parker you know we do not tolerate this kind of behavior, I suggest you go straight to the principals office’ he demands.

I immediately stand straight at attention and give him a salute ‘yes sir’ I say grabbing my bags, I walk past and ignore the pair of green eyes shimmering with tears, I ignore the pair of blue eyes filled with concern and ignore the pair of amber eyes shaking its head at me.

I walk right past the principals office and head for the double doors leading me to freedom, as I get closer I hear an deep voice ‘where do you think you are going Miss Parker’. I turn and look at the teacher standing there ‘to hell and if you not careful, I’ll bring you with me’ I say and walk out of the doors.

I make my way to my private place, I sit high on the peaks staring out of over the sky, I reach over and pick up my sketch pad and pencil, closing my eyes I let my fingers glide over the page. When my drunken haze begins to clear I look down at my drawing.

My eyes widen when I see my face staring back at me and it shakes me to my core. I hastily rip the page out crumbling it up and tossing it over the cliff as my heart pounds heavily in my chest.

I close my eyes denying that my face stared back at me, I deny what my heart starts telling me, I am no longer myself, I am nothing.

As the sun starts to set I make my way home praying that I can just get to my room unnoticed, I notice the apartment seems empty and I sigh in relief that no one is home and I can get to my room safely.

“Lizzie’ I hear my father says softly from the other room and my steps falter ‘yea dad, I’m just going to start my homework’ I say as I start walking again ‘Lizzie honey can you come here for a minute’ he asks me and my mind starts to panic, did the school call, I start trying to make up excuses to get out of this.

I make my way into the room and I see him standing there with a pained expression, I see movement from behind him and my eyes widen immediately and I’m instantly on the defensive ‘whatever he told you he’s lying’ I shout out.

My dad puts his hands up slowly to show me he’s remaining calm, he looks at me carefully afraid that I will bolt which I am tempted to do ‘Lizzie please’ he says softly ‘honey we need to talk’.

My heart starts racing and my eyes dart back and forth between the two of them ‘honey we need to get you some help’ ‘I don’t have a problem’ I state really fast, he comes closer to me slowly ‘honey you do…I know about the drinking baby…and about Nancy’ he takes another step and I gaze at the guilty culprit sitting there staring at the floor.

I take a step back readying myself to bolt as my body starts to tremble ‘baby I’m so sorry’ my father says ‘she’s gone honey, she can never hurt you again’ my eyes widen did he really get rid of her just like that.

As if realizing my thoughts ‘she’s gone honey…I threw her out’ he goes to grab for me but I wrap my arms around me tighter and take a step back. “Oh honey why didn’t you tell me’ he asks ‘I thought we could tell each other anything’ I wipe at the tears that escapes as I whisper ‘I was scared’.

This time when he reaches for me I let him hold me, its been a long time since my father has hugged me and I clutch him holding on for dear life, he pulls back and cups my cheeks ‘you are the most important thing in the world to me, do you hear me’ he says.

I nod my head shakily as I close my eyes against the burning tears ‘Lizzie honey I promise everything is going to be okay, we are going to get you help’ I pull back confused ‘what are you talking about’ I ask nervously.

‘There’s this place’ I immediately take a step back as my mind starts screaming, he takes hold of my arms, I start shaking my head violently against his words help you…no contact….three months. Only when I see movement from the couch do I find my voice and then I attack.

‘Who the hell do you think you are’ I scream, my hands are shaking as rage is pumping thru my veins, he stands up slowly his face set with guilt ‘Liz’ ‘You had no right….no right’ I yell as I push him.

‘Liz please’ he pleads with me, my head starts spinning as I try and understand him. I can’t grasp why he’s doing this to me, he hasn’t spoken to me in over a week, has barely looked at me. I kept my mouth shut; I haven’t said anything, why is he doing this to me, why is he killing me.

‘I trusted you’ I whisper as the tears course my cheeks ‘I don’t understand…why are you doing this to me’ I sob out. He takes a step closer and I take one back, the walls are closing in, I have to get out of here and now.

I shake my head putting my hand up ‘No…no I wont go’ I yell as I turn and run ignoring both of their pleas to come back. I make my way downstairs rushing thru the employee’s only door and I run straight into my worst nightmare.

I stand there frozen in fear as Nancy glares at me, I see Maria and Alex standing up out of the corner of my eye, and their faces tell me that they know too. Nancy raises her hand ‘you bitch’ she yells as her hand makes contact. I clutch my cheek and stare back; my eyes dart around at everyone staring at us.

I stumble back dropping my sketchbooks and bolt, I run towards the doors knocking glasses and things over as I go, I burst thru the front doors and don’t stop running.

[Itzstacie]

Chapter 9

Max’s POV.

I stand back watching her fragile body sway against the wind as she stands there not moving, I watch as the wind catches her hair making it dance around as she hugs her body tighter. I can see her shoulders trembling and I know she’s crying.

I look around at the surroundings, this dry, died out piece of desert, its mountain side reaching out towards the heavens, I never really knew it existed until today, I never understood the meaning of this place.

Now I do, I understand why she chose this place and it breaks my heart, its isolated, cold, dying, its peaks reaching for something more, just like her.

I can openly admit I’ve been a big fat coward, an asshole, whatever else you seem fit to call me. I’ve damaged the one thing that I was terrified of losing; I tossed away what I wanted to hold on to because I was afraid.

I know it’s a poor excuse, I hid behind false illusions, harsh words because I couldn’t step up to the plate and grasp the reality before my eyes and the worst part was I knew what it would do and I did it anyways.

For the first time in my life I lost control and it scared the hell out of me, this small beautiful girl made me lose control in the blink of an eye and it terrified me to learn that she held so much power over me.

I did the only thing I could think of I lashed out, I was angry with myself for losing control, for letting my dick do the thinking instead of my head. I know most guys would have been jumping up and down screaming they lost their virginity, but I couldn’t because just as my innocence was lost so was hers.

I was so mortified by my actions that I ignored her all week, tried to shove it down, bury it deep, anything that would make me forgot the horrible things I said to her, I wanted so badly to erase it all and start again.

I watched her all week, watched her slipping further and further away, Tess told me over and over to go to her, to try and make up for what happened before it was to late, but my cowardness kept me from doing it.

Seeing her in class and her open display of drunkenness crushed me, I realized that she had gone over that edge and I know I am the one that pushed her.

It was then that I realized I had to be the one to pull her back over also, when we were little she would always tell me she dreamed of one day finding her prince just like in the storybooks. That one day her knight in shining armor would come riding in and rescue her.

I would laugh and tell her to get her head out of the clouds, I told her things like that didn’t happen in real life, that it was impossible to believe.

When she ran out of the café, Maria told me what happened when I got down there, I watched as Nancy was led away by the police and I started thinking maybe I should be led away too.

I’m no better than her with the way I acted, and the worst part of it is I knew what she did to Liz, I knew and just because I didn’t physically bash her, my words were just as bad, were just as damaging.

Jeff begged me to find his little girl, to help him make her understand that he only wants her to get better, she’s all he has left and it would kill him to lose her. I knew when I went to him I was going to make things worse, that I was probably going to lost that last touch of acknowledgement from her, but I had to do something.

Maria pulled me over to the booth and that’s when I noticed she had Liz’s sketchbook, a part of me told myself not to look, Liz didn’t want anyone to see. But I had to know, I had to see with my own eyes just how broken she was.

I stared at one picture after another, my heart squeezing painfully with each one, how could we all be so blind, how could we not see what was before our eyes.

We called ourselves her friends, friends would never turn a blind eye and let someone fall so far, friends would not ignore the cry for help, and we don’t even deserve to be in the same class as her.

With each drawing she did of everyone I saw her in them, that little figure being drawn further and further away until she was nothing but a shadow. I wiped angrily at my tears as I saw her in the drawings begging to be noticed, begging for someone to help, and no one did or should say we did but didn’t do anything about it.

By the time we were finished Maria was openly crying blaming herself, Alex was on the brink of tears asking over and over how we could be so blinded. I figured out where she would be from the drawings and took off running towards her.

Standing here I am visibly trembling, I am terrified I wont be able to reach her, I am terrified that the damage is done and there is no coming back from it, but at the same time something tells me I have given up to many times before, I cant do it again.

I’ve realized its time for her fairy tale to come true, its time for her storybook to come to life. It’s the time for me to put aside my fears and take that plunge. This is about her now, her life is depending on it, and I have to get her to see that she means something to me, to her father, to everyone else in her life.

I have to tell her I was a coward, scared to act on my feelings because we have been best friends for so long that if we got together and something happened, I wouldn’t survive it.

She has been my rock for so long, the one I turned too when things didn’t go wrong, if something happened between us there would be no one to catch our fall and it forced me to hide.

I close my eyes praying for the courage to say the right thing, the courage to tell her that when she said those three little words to me every dream I ever had came true and how much I wanted to say them back.

Knowing that she loves me and i love her is what’s going to give me the strength to do this, I let my breath out and open my eyes, my mind is set, she will get better, she will get thru this because this time I am going to be there every step of the way making sure she does, even if she pushes me away i will not budge.

I take a step than another wearing my heart on my sleeve, no more hiding, no more running, its just me and her out here and in the end we are going to walk away from this cliff together and fight her demons even the demon in me.

I am going to finally show her just how much the world needs Elizabeth Parker, just how much I need her and how much I love her, all the while silently pray its not to late.


Part 10

‘Haven’t you done enough’ I say as I hear him softly walking up behind me. “Liz’ he starts “just go away Max’ I say as I turn away from him

“Liz please ‘he pleads, I continue to stare out over the cliffs, wondering what would happen if I were to just disappear over the edge.

Would anyone miss me if I was gone, would they remember me, would they keep me in their hearts, their dreams, or would I just fade into the back of their minds like a distant memory.

I let out a sigh and turn towards him ‘what do you want, and how did you find me anyways’ I ask figuring he’s not going to leave and the sooner we get this over with the better.

His eyes look down at the gravel and he shoves his hands into this front pockets ‘your sketches’ he whispers out guilty. My eyes widen as my heart starts pounding ‘you…you looked at my sketches’ I hesitantly ask.

He looks up at me and slowly nods his head ‘you…you dropped them…and then….Maria’ “Oh God Maria saw them too’ I shout ‘and Alex’ he finishes.

My body is shaking, trembling against my protest, now they know everything. I drew my life in those, the life I wished for, the life I lost.

“I had to know’ he says looking softly at me, I narrow my eyes at him ‘know what’ I demand. His gaze shifts and he nervously licks his lips ‘how much…how much I hurt you’ he says, I fold my arms across my chest, straightening my spine ‘oh I see and just looking at my face wasn’t good enough for you’ I snap.

‘Go home Max, thanks to you my father wants to send me away’ I turn my back to him once more as I close my eyes fighting against the lump in my throat.

“Liz, I…I didn’t go to your father out of spite…seeing you in school today like that…it killed me, I couldn’t stand by and let you destroy your life’ he stutters out. I sniff as the first tear rolls down my cheek, a big fat ugly drop right down my face and rolls off my chin.

“Liz…Liz I know I messed up badly, I know I’m an asshole. I treated you like nothing because I was scared…I didn’t know what to do so I hid behind my insecurities and lashed out at the one person who means the world to me’ he says as I hear his voice crack.

‘I’m sorry….I’m so sorry Liz’ he cries out, I can hear him sniff and I turn just in time to see him quickly wiping at his eyes, ‘I cant forgive you’ I say as my heart breaks more, I hear his breath catch and he looks down at his shoes ‘You hurt me Max, I gave you my virginity….did it…did it even matter to you, did you even realize that’ I cry out.

His head snaps up and he looks at me ‘yes I know’ he whispers ‘I gave you mine as well’ he says. My eyes widen but I quickly hid my puzzlement ‘what about Tess’

He shakes his head as he runs a hand thru his head ‘Tess and I never slept together, just kissed…in fact we were never serious’ This time I don’t hide my confusion, they have been going out for years how could it not be serious.

‘In the beginning it was, but over time we both realized that we made better friends, I know what it looked out on the outside…but on the inside’ he shakes his head. ‘But…but you went on a couples weekend’ I snide using my fingers to make imaginary quote marks.

‘It wasn’t for us, she knew how I felt about you…she was the one who kept telling me to tell you how I felt, but I was to much of a coward to do it’.

‘And how do you feel’ I ask, I feel the tears starting up again as my heart starts racing; I realize that I am terrified to hear his answer and I hold my breath.

‘I love you’

Instead of feeling joy, or my heart bursting with the words I longed to hear from him, instead I get angry. HAH loves me? I don’t believe him, you don’t push away someone you love, and you don’t verbally abuse someone you love.

And most of all you don’t let someone you love fall.

‘Love’ I hiss ‘you don’t know what love is Max…I bore my heart and soul to you and you made me feel like something that wasn’t even worth scrapping off the bottom of your shoe’ I yell as I swipe angrily at my tears.

His eyes bore into mine and I can see his guilt, but I don’t let myself fell sorry for him, he hurt me worse than Nancy ever could and I don’t know if I will ever get past that.

‘I’m sorry Liz…I’m so sorry…I know I don’t deserve forgiveness or even…even your friendship…I …I don’t know how to ever make up for that’.

I take a step back as he takes one forward, he stops and looks at me “I’ll walk away Liz…if that’s what you want me to do, I’ll walk away and never bother you again…but as long as you keep drinking I can’t.

I do know what love is Liz, and I know that I love you enough to do what I had to for you get some help, including going to your father’ he says.

‘I don’t need any help’ I yell ‘it wasn’t your place to go to my father…you just run around here thinking you can just control everything with your high and mighty ways…well I have news for you Max Evans you are not keeper’.

In two quick strides he is before me grasping my upper arms ‘you do need help, you are an alcoholic and I’ll be dammed if I stand there and watch you do it anymore…you may not care anymore but I do, your father does, Maria, Alex, Isabel, Michael, Tess they all give a dam’.

“Let me go’ I say harshly my eyes hard and menacing ‘NO’ he says ‘not until you admit you have a drinking problem and need help’.

‘Dam You’ I shout ‘dam you, who the hell do you think you are’ my body is trembling terrible, I am having trouble breathing as my heart pounds heavily inside my chest ‘you don’t own me, you don’t…I hate you’ I sob out ‘I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…let me go’ as I shove against him with all my might.

He lets go and I fell myself stumble back and then flying, I reach out grabbing for anything and my hands catch a ledge, I grasp on tightly as my feet dangle in the air.

‘LIZZZZZ’ I hear him scream frantically.

‘Liz’ he screams as I look up to see his panicked face looking over the ledge, “Liz take my hand’ he pleaded ‘please’

I close my eyes as I hold on, my brain rapidly flying with thoughts, I could easily let go and never have to worry again, never have to feel a solid feeling, and I’m so tired of feeling.

‘Just let me go’ I cry ‘I don’t want to hurt anymore, just let me go’

I could just let go and escape, just close my eyes and let go. It would so easy, my hands are tingling from holding on so tightly, and I feel myself getting tired.

‘NO” he sobs out not caring that tears are streaming from his face ‘don’t you give up Elizabeth Anne Parker…you hear me don’t you give up…now take my hand’.

I open my eyes and stare into his amber orbs that are coated with salty tears, those golden specks begging me not to give up, not to leave him.

My father flies into my mind and I realize that I’m all he has left, and I let him down. Suddenly I don’t want this to be his last thoughts of me; I don’t want his last memory to be of his daughter killing herself.

I want him to be proud of me again, I want to look into his eyes and see approval instead of disappointment. I close my eyes again and let out a shaky breath before opening them and bracing myself as I reach for safety.

[Itzstacie]

Part 11

I’ve only seen my father cry once, when I was little I had woken up one night to use the bathroom and when I crept out my room I heard this anguished howling coming from the living room.

I walked slowly towards it and peeked in, my father was sitting there with his head in his hands trying to muffle his sobs. I remember standing there confused thinking what happened to make my daddy cry like this.

He never cried, he was this big strong man in my eyes, always making sure I ate, bathed, always making sure I had everything to make me happy. I had never seen him like that and it scared me, the next morning he acted like nothing ever happened, he was his usual self again hugging and smiling at me.

I would have never guessed that the second time would be because of me.

Standing there watching him, my walls crumbled down around me and suddenly I was hit with the sheer force of just how much I was hurting everyone around me, instead of being his sixteen year old daughter instantly I was this eight year old little girl again lost, scared and confused.

‘Daddy’ I cry out, he yanked his head up in my direction and I find myself instantly crushed in his arms, we sink to the ground holding each other as I repeatedly cry out ‘I’m sorry….I’m so sorry daddy’.

He rocks me back and forth much like he used to do when I was little ‘its okay baby…your gonna be okay’ he whispers. For the first time I find myself calling out the words I desperately
tried to scream for the last year ‘help me daddy… please help me’.

His grip tightens around me as he continues to openly cry ‘its going to be okay Lizzie, its going to be okay, I’m going to help you baby…I’m going to help you’.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, just holding onto to each other he refused to let go and I refused to let him, in that moment I felt safe, safe in his promises that he would make everything better, and I just wanted to believe him for a little while longer.

When he finally released me he explained to me about what happened earlier, he told me he didn’t know Nancy was downstairs when I ran out, and when he chased after me he spotted her. Maria and Alex quickly told him what happened and he called the sheriff and they took her away. We talked about this place he wanted me to go to.

It was a place that helped young teenagers deal with drugs, abuse, alcohol and other problems, that it wasn’t a big place and for the first three months I wouldn’t have contact with my friends or family because they felt it was easier for the person to start healing.

By time I got upstairs after agreeing to go I notice how exhausted I am, it amazes me how much crying can wear someone out, when I step into my room I notice Maria sleeping on my bed clutching my sketchbook tightly in her hands, I know a few more tears are about to be shed.

I slowly make my way over and nudge her, she mumbles something out about five more minutes’ mom and I can’t help but smile. “Maria’ I nudge her again and I sit back watching as she blinks slowly coming out, her confused look replaces with realization and she grabs me squeezing tightly ‘oh God Liz’ she says ‘I was so worried about you, I wanted to run after you but then I saw what that bitch did to you and I just had to make sure she didn’t get away’.

I place my finger on her lips to quiet her babbling ‘it’s okay Maria’ I tell her, she pulls back and shakes her head ‘no its not, I’m a terrible friend’ she says, “Maria’ I sigh, I really don’t want to do this with her right now, but I know I have to, in the morning I will be gone and truthfully deep down I really want to tell her goodbye.

She puts my sketchbook down and stands up giving her head a shake to try and smooth out her bed tangled hair, she puts her hands on her hips, closes her eyes and squints up her face ‘okay hit me’ she says, my jaw drops open, did she just say what I think she did.

She peeks out of one eye ‘come on hit me…I’m a terrible friend and I deserve to be pounded in the ground’ she says, I shake my head in disbelief and I really cant help the smile that spreads across my face, I get up and walk towards her and she closes her eye again waiting for me to knock her one.

I shake my head “Maria I’m not going to hit you’ I say taking her by her arms and bringing her back towards the bed. She looks surprised and I take a seat next to her ‘if anything I should be letting you hit me’ I say.

She goes to open her mouth but I quickly shut her up ‘Maria you shouldn’t have had to deal with me like this, you are already going thru this with your mom’ she looks down at the comforter and I can see she’s fighting back tears.

I swallow past the huge lump in my throat and place my hand over hers ‘you are the last person I should have suspected to stand by me’ she shakes her head denying it ‘no I should have been the first one doing it…but…to be honest…it just really hurt a lot to see you like that, I’m watching my mother throw her life away, and I…I just couldn’t do it with you, I’m sorry I didn’t have the strength’.

‘Maria its okay I understand, really I do’ I say, she grips me in a hug ‘I’m sorry Liz, I’m sorry I let my weakness get in the way’, I pull back and grip her shoulders ‘hey hey you are not weak Maria, you have more strength and courage than anyone I know…your dating Michael Geriun that alone shows you have a tremendous amount of strength’.

She gives out a half snort and shakes her head in agreement, I close my eyes and look for my courage ‘I’m leaving in the morning’ I say as I start looking at everything but her, she turns my head back towards hers ‘what do you mean you are leaving’ she asks, I shrug my shoulders like its nothing ‘I am going to a clinic to get help’ I say.

She puts her hand over mine squeezing it a little ‘are you scared’ she says softly, I look up at her ‘terrified’ I say, she puts her arms around me ‘your going to be fine’ she says, I hug her back feeling like some of the tension is gone and I find myself really relived that she is here ‘I’m so glad you’re here Maria’.

“I am too…I really missed you’ she says, still hugging me ‘Liz what about the others…are you going to let them know your leaving or say goodbye’ she says, she notices how I tense up and she immediately adds ‘I know things have been horrible lately…but they do care’ I pull out and get up walking towards my dresser staring a picture of the group of us ‘you tell them for me’ I say as I pick the picture up and run my fingers over it.

‘They’ll be upset, but I’ll make them understand’ she says coming up to me ‘I don’t want you to worry about anyone but yourself’ she says ‘And when you can write me’ I give her a shaky nod and fill my eyes filling up again.

She pulls me into another hug ‘promise’ she whispers as her tears fall, I close my eyes ‘I promise’ I whisper, ‘I love you Lizzie and I know your going to get thru this’ she cries ‘I love you too Maria and I swear I will get better’.

The next morning as I make my way out to the car, and my father is putting my suitcase in the trunk, out of the corner of my eye I spot a small movement.

I turn to see Max standing there across the street, his hands are shoved deep inside his pockets and the building is blocking out the sun giving me the perfect view of his face and those amber eyes filling with tears.

We didn’t talk about what happened at the cliffs, or what happened before I fell, after he pulled me up I asked him to take me home and neither one of us spoke the entire ride to my house.

It was when he pulled up and cut off the engine did he ask me what was going to happen and if there was anyway for us to get past this. I didn’t have an answer because the truth was I didn’t know.

Suddenly everything I wanted was there in front of me and I couldn’t let myself have it, how could I take care of someone else’s life when my own was in destruction.

I told him I didn’t know what was going to happen, but for the time being I just needed to be on my own, I needed to figure out how to get my life back in control. I told him that he needed to do the same.

He asked me if I would ever be able to forgive him, that if we would ever to be able to deal with our feelings like normal people, I didn’t have an answer, but standing there across the way this morning staring at his heart broken expression, I find it deep inside me, to deal with Max, I first have to learn to deal with myself.

We stare silently at each other until he gives me a half smile and I feel my father’s hand on my arm. I look up to my father and nod letting him led me to the car, I don’t look back across the street as he drives off.

Several hours later I step out of the car while my father collects my suitcase out of the trunk, I turn and look at the building I am going to be living in for I don’t know how long. It doesn’t look like a hospital but instead one of those old country homes.

The big willow trees shade the house from the harsh sun, I can see a swing that lazily sways back and forth off in the distance, My father comes up and suddenly I find myself trembling ‘I’m scared daddy’ I whisper.

He wraps his arms around me and hold tightly ‘I know baby, but you’ll be okay….this is something you have to do and as soon as I can I will visit, I promise’.

My tears turn into hiccupping sobs as I grip hold of him harder, I’m terrified of what’s going to happen, what if I fail, I’m so scared that once I walk thru those doors I’ll never see anyone again.

He smoothes my hair down as he trembles lightly holding onto to me ‘You’ll do just fine Lizzie’ he pulls back and looks in my eyes ‘I believe in you’ he says smiling.

He puts one arm around me and leads me towards the doors ‘your going to be just fine’ he says again.

Part 12

It’s been 85 days since I’ve last had a drink and still some days I feel like I want to pull the hair of my head.

There are some days when my body craves for alcohol so much that I feel like just giving up and sneaking off to find a liquor store somewhere, my body shakes so bad some days that I tell myself it’s not worth it.

But I don’t give in, I repeat the words over and over in my mind when I feel like that to take it one day at time, remind myself that my body functioned before without it and it can do it again.

Some days I close my eyes and wonder why I am here at all, sitting in group therapy there are so many kids with real problems, and they make mine seem so small.

It took a month for me to even admit I had a problem, and when I did I felt so embarrassed because these other kids had lived so much harder lives.

My room mate Serena was there because her father had raped her repeatedly, there was another kid John who tried to kill himself because his brother had made it known to the world that he was gay.

There was a kid Mark who was in there because he and his girlfriend tried to commit a joint suicide, she succeeded he didn’t and then there was Susan and Robert who were left to fend for their selves when they were ten and winded up on the streets and both addicted to drugs.

My problems seemed like a big fat joke compared to theirs, it took a while to open up to them and openly admit what happened. I found that I could talk to them a lot easier then I could my own friends back home.

I told them everything about my mom leaving, about Nancy, about my drinking and about Max. Not of them looked down on me or made me feel like I was wasting time being there and not once did they judge me.

When they finally said that I could start receiving letters and phone calls, Maria was the first one to write me after my dad, I couldn’t help but feel a great weight had been lifted off me when I read his letter.

He told me that he filed for divorce and I know even thou he didn’t admit it, he was upset. I know he really loved Nancy and I’m pretty sure on some level she really loved him too.

She just had issues with me, my counselor seems to think it was jealousy issues because of the relationship between my father and I, and what’s funny to me is that it didn’t seem we really had much of one after she came along.

He tells me that the Crash Down is doing really good and that he’s eating okay, he tells me that Max stops by every now and then and checks on him, makes sure he’s doing okay and if there’s anything he can do for him.

He tells me not to worry about him and to concentrate on myself, I know he’s trying to be strong for me and that gives me the strength to carry on and get thru this.

I hold Maria’s letter in my hand unopened, I’ve had it truthfully about a week now, I just couldn’t bring myself to open it I don’t know if its nerves or what, but I figured its time to start mending friendships.

I know deep down that they are still my friends and always will be, friends make mistakes all the time and it’s either you forgive them and move on or you don’t and make them a part of the past. There is to much history with these people to just make them part of the past and I know that I had my share of making mistakes along the way, so now its time to hold on to what is most important and make amends.

I slip easily on the swing and pull my feet up underneath me, I slowly open the letter while ignoring the trembling of my fingers, I can’t help but smile as I pull it open and notice all the cartoon doodling on the edges of the letter.

I take a deep breath and start reading, she tells me how everyone is doing and how much they miss me, and she tells me about how she and Michael are talking about getting married after high school. I can’t help but raise an eyebrow at that.

She tells me that Alex got a gig playing every Saturday night at local teen club and Isabel is right there beside him being the ever popular groupie. I have to smile at that one, the pristine Isabel Evans a groupie.

I can feel my heart beating a little harder as I make my way down the letter, I know she is going to tell me about Max, my eyes immediately advert from the letter, the truth is I’m actually scared to know.

If I close my eyes I can still see his haunted expression that day I left, can still see the way his eyes begged me to forgive him, he has become the biggest factor since I have taken control of the drinking.

I know I still love him, I think I always will and knowing that he loves me too makes things so much harder. I’ve wanted him for so long and now that I know it’s actually possible I’m scared to embrace it.

I don’t blame him fully for that day, we both jumped in feet first and didn’t think about the consequences until afterwards and I know we both said things to hide the hurt and confusion we both were going thru that day.

When your emotions are heightened like that you say things without thinking and I know when you’re scared on the defensive you say things just to hurt the other person to try and lessen the hurt you are feeling.

So I cant totally blame him for what he said, I played my part in it and I have admitted it, I can sit here all day and do the hundreds of what ifs, but when it boils down to it we cant change the fact that it happened, all we can do is learn from our mistakes and move forward.

I’ve know Max all my life and I cant think of a time where he hasn’t been there, I know I can say he wasn’t really there this last year when the truth of it is, he was, he was the one pushing me to talk, he was the one rescuing me from drunken parties, he was the one begging me to stop, he was the one taking me in at night when I was to drunk to go home.

I know I left him no choice but to go to my father, and deep down I can’t help but be grateful he did, because honestly I don’t know where I would be right now if he hadn’t, I hit rock bottom and the only place left for me to go was six feet under.

I take another deep breath and look back down at the letter, I try to ignore the butterflies dancing around in my stomach as I read the rest of her letter, and what I find surprises me.

She tells me that Tess and Max told everyone else the truth and called it quits, he confessed to the group that he was in love with me and has been for while now. She also told me that he confessed to her privately about what happened on his birthday.

She said he didn’t tell anyone else and that she wasn’t going to either, they both thought that it was something that should be my decision if I wanted the rest to know, she also told me she whacked him upside the head a couple of times too.

I can’t help but feel my heart pummel a little when she tells me that he’s been sticking to his self a lot lately and that when he’s with the rest of them he’s there but not really there, his mind always seems to be somewhere else.

She told me that he’s scared to write me, he doesn’t know how I would feel about it or even if I would want to hear from him, she told me that he’s giving me the time I need and that he can only hope that I can forgive him one day.

By the time I’m finished reading her letter I’m openly crying, my heart is hurting because I realize I miss them, I haven’t really thought a lot about them expect for when I was in therapy and we talked about them, the rest of time I forced myself not to think about them.

As I sit there thinking about them, my roommate Serena comes out and tells me that I my father is on the phone, I immediately jump up and take off running inside and grab the phone. ‘Hi daddy’ I say as I try to catch my breath ‘hey baby how are you doing’ he asks, I let myself slide to the floor as I rest my back against the wall and draw my knees up.

‘I’m doing really good’ I answer, ‘that’s good baby….that’s really good’ my smile falters and my hearts starts pounding as I hear the sadness in this voice ‘daddy what’s wrong…what happened’ I hear him take a ragged sigh and I can’t help but feel a sinking feeling in my stomach ‘Now I don’t want you worry’ he starts.

That’s like an immediate red flag going up and I force the bile back down in my throat, closing my eyes ‘just tell me daddy’ I cry, “Liz baby there was an accident, it was pretty bad… Maria and Michael are in the hospital’.

I choke back the tears as I ask ‘are they alright’ by now I’m visibly shaking and I have a hard time holding onto the phone, he doesn’t say anything and I don’t hide the sob that escapes me ‘daddy are they going to be okay’.

I can hear him sniff and deep down I know this is much worse than he’s telling me, deep down I know something I don’t want to admit just yet ‘daddy please’ I cry out, I have to know I have to hear him say it, then it comes out in a ragged whisper ‘we don’t know baby…we don’t know’.

I’m crying uncontrollably long after he’s hung up, long after he told me not to worry and that he will call when he hears something; I just sit here holding the receiver in my hand ignoring the annoying dial tone.

Serena walks in and immediately drops in front of my knees ‘Liz what’s wrong’ she says worried, I look up at her thru red eyes ‘I have to go home’ is all I say.

[Itzstacie]

Part 13

I walk fast thru the corridors of the hospital, taking in the sickening smell that comes with this place as I wrap my jacket around me tighter, I didn’t even go home first, the minute I hit Roswell limits I bee lined straight for the hospital.

I stop just before I hit the waiting room and try to get my emotions under control; I’m scared, nervous, worried and happy all at the same time. I wonder how that is possible and I berate myself for feeling happy when two of my best friends are fighting for their lives.

I feel like someone is jumping up and down all over my insides and I’m scared as hell to walk thru that door, what will they say when they see me, will they happy or angry because I didn’t tell them goodbye, I just picked up and left.

I don’t know who’s going to be in there and I’m not even sure I know what to say, I mean what do you say to people you purposely tried to push away.

Before I can even get the thought in my head to just turn around and bolt I hear a soft whisper of my name and I turn to see a mass of blond curls and shimmering blue eyes. I swallow pass the lump in my throat and whisper out her name ‘Tess’.

I'm immediately crushed into a vortex of her grip as she squeezes me ‘I cant believe you’re here’ she says, I shakily reach around and hug her back realizing that once made self hatred towards her is gone, and I find I actually am happy to see her.

She pulls back and looks me in the eyes ‘everyone is going be so happy to see you’ she tells me, my eyes drift to the floor as I try to focus on what’s important here ‘how…how are they’ I ask.

She reaches over and squeezes my hand ‘we don’t know…the doctors aren’t really talking to us and her mother’ she trails off with this heartbroken expression and I can immediately guess what the status of Amy Deluca is.

She pushes a strand back ‘Michael is better than she is, she’s still in CCU, and they only let us in two at time, only for a few minutes’ she says. I bite hard on my bottom lip so the tears that are forming wont fall, ‘She’s only woken up a couple of times… the next time you can go in is in thirty minutes’ she says.

“What…what happened’ I ask as I wipe my eyes cursing silently as they betray me ‘my dad said they were in a accident’, ‘come on’ she says tugging my hand ‘lets go sit down and I’ll tell you everything’ she starts to lead me into the waiting room and my heart starts pounding as my knees buckle.

She must sense my hesitation and calmly wraps a supporting arm around my shoulders giving it a little squeeze before opening the door. I stop once inside and I notice Isabel is stretched out over several chairs resting her head on Alex’s thigh sleeping; he has his head angled at a weird position and sleeping also.

I scan the room and my breath hitches as I land on the dark haired figured sleeping in the far corner, I notice the days old stubble growing on his face along with the amount of weight I can see he’s lost, I watch his troubled expression underneath those amazingly beautiful eyes I know he has.

I look around the room taking in the empty containers lying all over and can tell that they have been here for a while; I watch as Tess walks over and gently nudges Alex, he stirs as she whispers something in his ear and his eyes immediately lock with mine.

I smile as he jumps up forgetting Isabel laying there and she smacks her head against the seat, as he walks over and wraps his arms around me “Lizzie I’m so glad you’re here’ he tells me squeezing me so tight I feel like he’s going to push my insides out.

I hug him back ‘me too…I just wish it was different circumstances’ I whisper, he gives me a knowingly squeeze ‘me too’ he whispers, he pulls back sharply as if realizing what he did turns a sheepish look over his shoulder to see Isabel rubbing her head and glaring at him.

‘Little warning next time would be nice’ she says getting up then breaking out into full fledge grin “Liz when did you get in’ she asks coming over and hugging me after she slaps Alex on his arm.

‘Just now’ I whisper and dart my eyes over her shoulder and I’m immediately sucked into a sea of swirling golden eyes staring solely at me. I watch as he nervously runs his hands thru his hair trying to straighten out his rumpled mess.

I can see his hands trembling before they disappear in the depths of his pockets trying to hide them, but his body gives him away and he walks towards me, he stands next to Alex almost afraid to come any closer as he softly tells me hello.

‘Hey’ I whisper back because it’s the only words I can seem to form right then, Alex drags Isabel back over to the seats leaving both of us to stand there awkwardly neither knowing what to say, after what seems like a life time ‘you look good’ he says.

I smile shyly as I tuck a strand behind my ear ‘thank you’ I say while dragging my bottom lip between my teeth, ‘how…how are you doing’ he nervously asks me as he shifts back from one foot to the other, ‘I’m better’ is all I say as I look up at him and my heart flutters at the smile that forms on his lips.


The silence comes back and I motion towards the chairs ‘um… I’ m just gonna’ I say as he shakes his head ‘of course come on’ he reaches a hand out but stops short as I glance down at it, he nervously shoves it back into his pocket and follows me taking a chair next to mine.

I sit there listening to them as they tell me what happened, how they were on their way to see Alex playing when a drunken driver slammed into the passenger side of the car resulting in more damage being caused to Maria since she was sitting there.

Max reaches over and squeezes my hand as if he can tell that at the moment I hate myself. I am reminded once more just how much drinking can screw up your life, I don’t release his hand but instead give it a gentle squeeze while trying to figure out if its his fingers trembling or mine.

I know we have a lot to talk about and I plan on doing it after things settle down and Michael and Maria are back home safely, I don’t want him to think I hate him so I let my hand stay in his while we wait for visiting hours to come again.

They all agreed when I asked them to go alone into her room, they had been there and I just wanted our first time to be alone. I try and ignore the breaking of my heart as I see her lying there, from a distance she looks like she’s just sleeping peacefully, only the wheezing sound of her respirator says differently.

I nervously wring my hands together over and over ignoring the pain my nails are causing my palms, closing my eyes to fight back the tears I let my breath out and slowly creep over to her bedside.

I let myself fall into the chair next to her because my knees have all together caved in and they remind me they no longer can support me. I feel like someone took a knife and twisted my heart up like a corkscrew and twist it tighter and tighter with each breath I take.

I force myself to whisper her name as I reach a shaky hand out to take hold of hers, I watch as her eyes move back and forth rapidly underneath her eyelids, she slowly opens them and a ghostly smile appears, in a painful whisper she says ‘you came’

I sniff as my bottom lip trembles violently as I battle against the tears falling down my cheeks ‘of course I came’ I tell her as I lift her hand and gently press a kiss to it, I watch as she takes a ragged breath ‘I knew you would’ she whispers.

She goes to say something else but I reach up and push back the bangs on her forehead ‘shh don’t talk, just rest’ I tell her, she closes her eyes and I finally let my eyes rake over her body, my heart shatters a little more with each bruise and cut I take in.

I bit hard on my lips and try to muffle the sob that escapes me as I listen to wheezing of her breath, I look back up and her eyes are looking at me, like she knows what’s going to happen.

Deep down I know it to and I choose to ignore it, I quickly grab the cup of water by her bed and help her to take a sip. I look everywhere but at her as my fingers play with the edge of her bed sheets, the sudden guilt slams into me I should have been here…I should have done something to stop this from happening.

She puts her hand over mine stilling my movements causing my eyes to seek hers out ‘don’t’ she whispers, I open my mouth to speak but she cuts me off ‘I know what your thinking’ she takes a painful breathe ‘nothing you could do’.

I nod my head even as my heart strongly disagrees with her, I wipe angrily at eyes my trying to make myself stop crying, its beginning to become to much to sit in here with her, its killing me to know I’m losing my best friend and there’s not a dam thing I can do to stop it.

The silence that surrounds us is eerie, I have so much I want to say to her but I don’t know where to begin, I want to tell her how I managed to stop drinking, how I managed to finally be happy with myself, to tell her how much she means to me, but I can’t get my voice to work.

‘I’m not scared’ she whispers likes she’s trying to reassure me ‘of what’ I sob out ‘of dying’ she says and another strangled sob escapes me, I deny it with vengeance ‘your going to be fine’ I tell her.

She squeezes my hand and I look up at her, she’s staring at me pleading with me to accept this and realize that in reality she’s not. She closes her eyes and I watch a silent tear roll down her cheek ‘promise me something’ she pleads, I squeeze her hand harder ‘anything’ I say as I watch her bottom lip start to quiver.

“Promise me you’ll look after Michael…he…he wont understand’ she finally manages to get out underneath a waterfall of tears, ‘I promise’ I tell her even thou I don’t understand it myself.

‘One more thing’ she tells me, by this time I am no longer trying to mask my sobs as they rake out of me, I don’t answer but just nod my head ‘don’t give up on life…I may not be here physically but ill be here in spirit’.

‘Maria what am I going to do without you’ I cry as I lay my head down next to her, she places her hand on top of my head ‘your going to go on and become something great and important like I knew you always would’.

‘I love you Maria’ I cry out as my shoulders shake violently along with my body as we just sit there clinging to each other.

Part 14

Has your body ever been so numb you don’t remember days slipping past you?

That’s how I’ve been running the last couple of days, I don’t remember eating but I can remember the way the doctors shoved me out of the way when her monitors flat lined.

I can’t remember sleeping but I can remember the wretched sobs that escaped me when they announced the time of death.

I can’t remember showering or even brushing my teeth but I can remember the pure tortured animalistic sounds coming from Michael’s room when they told him.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I glance up in my mirror to see my father standing there with tears in his eyes ‘it’s time honey’... I don’t even remember getting dressed.

I think my father talked to me as we drove to the cemetery but don’t ask me what he said, my body is here on auto-pilot, but my mind is far from it. We all stand there with the same unmasked grief we feel, the same heart broken expression trying to figure out the meaning of this.

Its drizzling but none of us seem to notice the cold fat splashes we are receiving, I can almost see Maria standing there arguing with God because he let it rain on the day we buried her.

The priest stands there rambling on about her being in a better place, she being loved and happy, I’m angry, she was loved here, she was happy here, there was no reason she had to be taken away…here she had Michael.

I let my eyes slowly drift towards him and I see him standing there with a blank expression on his face, no tears, and no trembling lips. I see Isabel lean over and whisper something in his ear but he doesn’t even acknowledge her.

Alex told me that the doctors had to sedate him after telling him about Maria; he told me that he literally trashed his hospital room, broken glass everywhere; he had taken the phone yanking it out of the wall and smashing it into the television.

I continue to scan the crowd and my eyes land on Amy Deluca and I want nothing more than to walk up to her and punch her in her face, she stands there crying but I also notice the way she is swaying. How dare she show up to her own daughter’s funeral drunk.

My eyes lock with Max’s and I can see his eyes are just as puffy and red as the rest of us, a clear sign that none of us has slept much. I know his eyes are silently telling me he is there if I want to talk, while at the same time I can tell he’s worried this is going to cause me to fall again.

He was the one who caught me as I slid to the floor into an unrecognizable mass of heart wrenching sobs when they were working on her. After they had us leave the room I remember him holding me up being my legs as he carried me out of the room.

He held his emotions in check being my strength until I was safely seated in a chair before slipping into his own painful mourning.

He was my voice when he took me home, making sure I was safely in bed before going to tell my father what happened. I let my eyes tell him that I’ll find a way thru this without turning back to the bottle.

I’ve come to far, sunk to low to let myself depend on alcohol, I’ve finally learned it does nothing but cause more problems. I’ll find another way to deal with the grief and heartache I am enduring right now.

I think back to Maria, she knew she was going to die and the only thing she wanted was to make sure that Michael and I would be okay, that I wouldn’t use her death as an excuse to start drinking again.

That alone gives me the strength to go on, I refuse to let myself fail her and know that is she is up there watching over us, counting on me not to let her down and to make sure Michael goes on living.

I let my father lead me back to the car after the service and stop turning to look at Michael once more, he hasn’t moved from his spot and for the first time I let myself really look at him.

He is no longer the once wild rebellion that I knew, the stonewalls and snide remarks are replaced with an emotionless stare, I see a man who is broken and has no sense of direction anymore.

I can see his eyes are haunted and he is a shell of what he once was, suddenly I’m hit with the force of understanding and even thou i don't like it I accept it, maybe this all happened for a reason, it was part of a bigger plan.

Just maybe I had to be the first to fall, so that when the time came I could be the one to catch the next one.

[Itzstacie]

Part 15

The need that consumes me shakes me to my core, the need to numb my feelings is overtaking me and I panic, picking up the phone I hastily call my sponsor. I need to distract myself before I give in.

My heart rate increases when she doesn’t answer and I look around my room for anything…something that can take my mind away from where it wants to go. Making a desperate decision I grab my shoes and bolt out of my window.

Ten minutes later I find myself standing outside his familiar window and suddenly I start second guessing myself about what I’m doing. I look down at my shaky hands and realize that nervousness is added on with the withdrawals.

It’s the first I will actually talk to Max alone since Maria’s death, besides the occasional phone calls of how you are doing, we haven’t really talked.

My stomach is a big ball of mush and before I can give in and change my mind the curtain is being drawn back to reveal a sleepy hair Max. His hair is sticking up all over and he’s wiping the sleep from his eyes “Liz; he whispers like he’s trying to decide if I am really here or not.

I quickly wrap my shaking hands around my waist and shake my head ‘can….can I come in’ I half beg, I can see the surprise on his face as he steps back from me and tells me to come inside, I climb thru and sit on the edge of his bed and he rummages to find a shirt to throw on.

I can’t help but stare and blush a little as I take in his site of boxers only, I quickly divert my eyes as he turns around pulling the shirt over his head. He walks over and pulls out a chair by his computer and takes a seat.

‘I have to say I wasn’t expecting this’ he says then I watch as his face turns from surprised to worry ‘is everything okay…nothing happened did it’ he asks.

In that instant I am reminded just why I love this man so much, he has always looked out of me, something I let slip into the back of my mind. When I really think about it I can see that he really does loves me, he might have never voiced it until it took something drastic in our lives to happen.

But when I look back he was always there looking after me, worrying about me, trying to save me. I let my stubbornness get in the way and let myself fall instead of realizing that I could have let him save me a long time ago.

He stares at me and I’m torn between launching myself at him and begging him to forgive me or high tail it right out the window. He must sense my hesitancy because before I can move he’s up and out of the chair sitting down next to me on the bed.

‘Liz what’s wrong’ he softly asks, I stare into his eyes finding myself sinking into the depth of his golden eyes and I shake my head before I can get totally lost, instead I stand up and start pacing wiping my sweaty palms onto my jeans ‘I’m…I’m sorry for just showing up here like this….I ….I tried to call my sponsor but she didn’t answer’.

His eyes widen dawning on him suddenly ‘no its okay' he reassures ‘I’m glad you came’ his face is etched with concern and I see him frown when he looks at me hands ‘God Liz your shaking’ he says getting up and reaching out to grab my hands ‘what can I do’ he pleads leading me back to sit down.

‘Just…just talk to me’ I say ‘okay’ he whispers ‘what…what were you thinking about that made you want to drink’ he asks, I glance down at my shoes as I feel my heart start to squeeze painfully in my chest ‘Maria’ I say then barely whisper ‘and you’ with a part of me hoping he didn’t hear me, he looks up at me and I can tell he’s scared as he asks ‘what…what about me’.

I draw my bottom lip between my teeth as I carefully think if this is the right time, as I weight my options I realize it is. It’s time to start mending, healing, with everything that has happened now is the time we all need each other more than anything.

I let my breath out as I turn towards him ‘Max I owe you an apology’ he starts to protest when I raise my hands ‘no please Max….just listen’ I wait until his nods his head momentarily getting lost starting into his eyes.

When he quirks an eyebrow up I slightly jump shaking myself out of the Max haze, and stand up putting some distance between us. After I compose myself I turn to him “I want to say I’m sorry for the way I treated you before I left.

As I resume my pacing from earlier ‘ Um…back then I made myself believe that nobody cared, that nobody could see that I was hurting, I blamed you all for being selfish’ I shoot a quick glance and see that he is following me with his eyes listening to every word.

‘Um…I…I should have told you how I felt when I first realized it and just took my chances instead of turning to alcohol…I ….I think I was trying to punish myself for having those feelings because I wasn’t suppose too…we weren’t suppose to cross that line and I knew somewhere along the way I was going to lose you and it scared me".

I feel the first set of tears fall as I continue on ‘so instead I pushed you and everyone else away, I wanted to hurt you before you could hurt me…I made myself believe that no one would care if I just disappeared, I told myself that no one would want to listen’.

I stop pacing and look directly into his eyes ‘but you were. I didn’t want to admit it and I denied it all I could, but the truth is you never gave up on me, you were listening to my silent pleas of help…If it wasn’t for you I honestly don’t know where I would be right now…so here it is I’m sorry Max…I’m sorry for the way things ended between us…I’m sorry for pushing you away when all you were trying to do was help me’.

He stands up and walks quickly over to me and places a finger on my lips quieting me, my eyes widen a bit as he takes my shaky hand squeezing it a little before leading me back over to sit down, he turns and looks at me ‘Liz you have nothing to be sorry about’ he glances down at our hands ‘if anyone should be sorry its me’.

He brings his intense gaze back up to me and I can see the sincerity in his eyes as he tells me “I am so sorry about what happened at the lake that day…I never in a million years meant to say those things to you. I was jut so angry at myself for taking something so precious from you that way.

Not just yours but mine too…it should have been something special and romantic definitely not on the back of a motorcycle, and it should have been when we were both ready and honest with our feelings.’

I draw my bottom lip into between my teeth as he reaches up and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear ‘when you told me how you felt I couldn’t believe it and instead of taking you in my arms and declaring I felt the same way I lashed out and I’ll never forgive myself for that’ he tells me.

“Max I don’t blame you for the things you said…yeah it hurt but we both said some things that we didn’t mean…we both played a part in what happened, its just something we are both going to have to live with its too late to change what happened’.

He nodes his head slowly as he turns to stare down at the ground, hooking a finger under his chin I bring his eyes back towards mine noticing the way his eyes glisten with the sure sign of tears ‘I also want to thank you’ I see his face etch with confusion and I let a small smile spread across my lips “I want to thank you for caring enough to go to my father when no one else would’.

His brows crease some like he having a hard time believing that I am actually thanking him “ I don’t hate you for going behind my back’ I say reading his mind ‘I am grateful that you cared enough about me to let him know I needed help’.

I don’t stop him when he leans forward closing his eyes and resting his forehead against mine ‘God Liz it was killing me to watch you like that’ ‘I know’ I say as we both are reduced to crying silently.

“I was so scared’ he whispers ‘ I was so scared and then that day at the cliffs, when you slipped’ he pulls back staring into my eyes ‘all I could think about was if I couldn’t save you I was going to… he softly cries.

I grab his hand ‘No Max don’t finish that, you would have gone on living like I would have wanted just like we are doing what Maria wanted’ he nods his head before inhaling a sharp breath

‘So…where do we go from here’ he asks in uncertainty, I start up at him as he continues ‘I mean….is everything okay between us’.

I reach up and push his bangs back on forehead before sliding down and cupping his cheek with my palm ‘I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, I’m willing to try and first work on rebuilding our friendship and see where it goes from there.

Even thou I love you I’m not ready for a relationship so lets just take it one day at a time okay’ I say softly, he places his hand over mine gently squeezing it and smiles ‘okay’ he whispers as he pulls me towards him tucking my head underneath his chin, we stay like that for a few minutes until I pull back and stand up.

“For now would it be okay if I crash here for the night and you just hold me’ he stares at me for a moment before standing up ‘I can do that’ he smiles and takes my hand leading me towards the side of the bed.

Part 16

It’s been a couple of weeks since that nightly visit to Max’s and I can honestly say since then things have been a lot better and seem to be heading on the right track.

Were hanging out again, talking and most of all generally laughing again in each others presence. Even thou some of our talks have been deep and serious discussion about the past actions and resulted in tears shed; we managed to push past it and become friends again.

I know he wants more, I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at me, I know those eyes well enough to see the longing in them, the desire, I’ve drawn them a thousand times over and over.

I started sketching again and this time around my drawings have taken on a whole new meaning; I no longer have a problem putting a face to the girl that once a time longed for someone to notice her. The ironic thing is when I actually took the time to look at them I was too blind to see it before, but there was someone noticing me the whole time.

The knowledge that he wants to be with me gives me an incredible amount of strength and wraps me in warm blanket, knowing that he loves me as much as I love him gives me this incredible feeling that’s so hard to explain.

I know we can easily jump into something more, but the truth is now that I know I can have it. I know I am not ready for it, I still have a long way to go and even thou I am in a comfortable place I’m not truly satisfied with myself and until I can be completely happy with who I am, I can’t go to that place.

Knowing that he is willing to wait is all the courage I need to continue on with therapy and to find out what is it to be me, because I know when I finally feel comfortable in my own skin I know that I will have this amazing life experience with the boy I love.

I’ve lived my whole life depending on other people to pull me up when I fell to deep, never learning to climb those steps myself. I’ve managed to start taking baby steps up that ladder but at the same time I know there is someone else who needs to be climbing along side me.

When my father came to me and told me that he was worried about Michael, I knew it was time to be that anchor. At first I mentally cursed myself for not doing something sooner; I should have known something was up after he kept calling in sick.

I don’t bother knocking as I make my way in, I know a spare key was kept under a rock that Maria used to use all the time, as I walk in I am immediately angry at myself for not getting to him sooner, I was to busy wrapped up in my own grief that I let Michael fall.

There is trash and laundry littering every spare place in his apartment, Michael was never one for being a clean person but right now his place makes the city dump look nice. Its dark and I can see the sun trying to break thru the darkness of the curtains.

‘Michael’ I say as I make my way towards the window to let some light into the place, he doesn’t answer but I can make out his form sitting on the sofa facing the wall in front of him, I pull open the curtains and a string of curse words come out his mouth as the light hits him in the eyes ‘dammit Liz close them’ he yells.

I shake my head and turn around to face him, ‘Michael don’t this to yourself’, he gets up and stalks towards me closing the curtains back close ‘leave’ he orders, I sigh and turn to open the curtains back up ‘I’m not leaving’ I walk over towards the couch ‘Michael I’m worried about you, you haven’t been showing up to work’.

‘So what’ he says stalking off into the kitchen, I sit down and run my hands thru my hair ‘Michael please dont do this' I watch as he comes back in taking a long sip of Jack Daniels before putting the bottle down and starts looking for something.

I pick up the bottle of liquor sitting on the coffee table and sigh “Michael you know how Maria felt about drinking…you know she wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself’ by now the first sign of tears threaten to fall, he turns and stalks over toward me ripping the bottle out of my hands ‘didn’t stop you’ he says take a deliberate swig and making my guilt pile on more, my throat constricts tightly as I feel it closing up on me.

I lick my lips trying to get rid of the dryness that had encased my mouth ‘I know’ I croak out ‘and I’ll…I’ll never forget…but don’t you see Michael you don’t have to go down this road’ I plead with him.

‘Don’t tell me what I have to do’ he yells ‘you think because you went into your little rehab center that it gives you the right to dictate to everyone else…you don’t know shit so take your words of wisdom and shove them up your ass’ he hollers at me.

By not I am openly crying and I desperately pray that I can thru to him somehow, “Michael’ I whisper painfully ‘Just go’ he says turning away from me, I get up and take a hesitant step towards him “Michael’, he turns ‘GET OUT” he screams and throws the bottle missing my head by inches.

I hold my ground, I refuse to just walk away and with determination I take another step forward ‘no’ I state and behind those glaring eyes I can see the pain and desperation in them. I can see him slowly losing it and I prepare myself to be there for him. ‘Liz please….just go’ he begs and turns away from me again.

I take another step ‘Michael I understand’ I can see his shoulders start to tremble and I take another one till I’m right behind him ‘I know you think that if you numb the pain it will go away…that feeling anything but the hurt will be better…but it’s not’

I slowly put a hand on his shoulder ‘It doesn’t go away Michael, and when you’re sober it only intensifies the pain that you felt before’. “You don’t understand’ he whispers dejectedly ‘Then talk to me Michael…help me to understand’ I whisper.

‘I can't’ he whispers painfully squeezing his eyes shut, I feel his body trembling violently underneath my fingertips and my heart squeezes wanting to help him, “It’s okay to cry Michael’ I say squeezing my fingers around his shoulder.

He stiffens and then abruptly shrugs out of my grasp ‘don’t you get it, I don’t want to cry’ he yells out, his face is set with anger and hurt and his tones causes me to jump a little ‘you want to know’ he says narrowing his eyes at me.

‘Fine…I hate her’ he yells, his outburst leaves me stunned into immobility and all I can do is open and close my mouth in confusion, he turns his back on me as his words come pouring out ‘she left me…we had plans dammit…we were going to get married and she left me’ he yells.

He shakes his head as if he’s disgusted with his self for feeling these things ‘you don’t do that someone you love…you don’t make plans’ I can hear his voice faltering and I know he’s trying desperately to keep it together.

‘Oh Michael’ I whisper as my heart is breaking for him, I watch as he falls to his knees and I quickly make my way over to him dropping down beside him and wrapping my arms around him. His whole body is quivering at the same he struggles against me, but I hold on strong determined to be there for him.

‘How could…’ he chokes ‘how could she leave me’ he finally breaks down sobbing clutching tightly to me as a life line, my tears are falling mixing with his I swallow back ‘Michael I can’t even begin to understand why she was taken away from us….but I know she loved you Michael’ he lets out a loud sob and I clutch him tighter ‘she loved you more than anything’.

‘I can’t…I cant do this’ he cries out ‘ I don’t know…I don’t know how to’ he says, ‘It hurts...’ he looks up at me and my lips tremble violently ‘its hurts so much Liz…I don’t…I can’t…’ I take my hands and cup his cheeks bringing his tearful gaze to mine ‘you can and you will’ he shakes his head forcibly and I cup harder ‘she wants you too….your not alone Michael’ I whisper as I bring my arms back around his neck.

I look up and I’m surprised when I see Max, Isabel and Tess standing there in the doorway all with tears in their eyes, we don’t say anything but our eyes say all we need to say, we are going to be there for each other.

I close my eyes and rest my head against Michaels as I cradle him to me rocking back and forth, the rest silently began cleaning up.

[Itzstacie]

Chapter 17

It’s been a couple of weeks since Michael’s breakdown, and even thou he shows up to work and school you can see he’s still not really there. He’s just going thru the motions and my heart breaks every time I see the emptiness his eyes hold.

I’m actually nervous coming here because I’m afraid, I don’t know if I’ll make matters worse or actually achieve to give him some hope to carry on. I know I must feel like a nagging mother to him but I am determined to see him get better, I am determined to see him smile again only if it’s for a second.

When he opens the door and scowls at me I actually gulp because my stomach is jumping around so much I actually feel like I could get sick right now. “What are you doing here’ he states as he just leaves the door open and stalks back to the couch.

I look down at the book I’m holding and take a deep breath as I walk into his apartment, he just sits back down and stares at the TV, not moving his head he barks out ‘You don’t have to keep checking up on me…I’m not going to do anything stupid’.

I bit my lip as I sit down next to him ‘that’s not why I’m here’ I whisper out, he turns and stares at me ‘then why’ ‘I…I wanted you to have this’ I say as my shaking hands hand him the book, he raises his eyebrow as he takes it ‘what is it’ he asks, ‘just take it please’ I say as I push it in his hands.

I watch as he scoots back on the couch and slowly opens the book almost like he’s afraid it will jump and bite him, his expression turns to a dark frown and I see his bottom lip tremble slightly.

He shakes his head trying to get a control on his feelings as he whispers ‘why’, I can see him battling to keep his emotions in check, he’s trying not to cry. I know he’s probably tried of crying, I know I am.

“I wanted you to see’ I say softly, he looks up at me in confusion and I can see his eyes glistening with tears, he doesn’t say anything but continues to stare at me ‘how much she really did love you’ he closes his eyes and turns his head away from me.

I point to the sketches “Those days that I sat apart from the group I would watch’ he looks back at me then back down at the drawings turning to the next one ‘I would watch and draw…I would see how when you neither one of you thought no one was watching that's when it really showed…that was when you could really tell how much you loved each other…it showed in your eyes’ I say turning to another one and pointing.

He takes a shaky breath ‘why are you doing this to me’ he whispers painfully, I gently place my hand on his arm ‘I’m not doing this to hurt you Michael…I…I gave this to you so will know how much she really did love you’ I take a deep breath before pushing on ‘I hope that you will keep this and let it be a way for you to remember…a way for you to carry on’ I feel my eyes filling up and quickly wipe the with my hand ‘Maria would have wanted you to be happy’.

He closes the book but doesn’t remove it from his lap ‘thank you…but I don’t think that’s going to happen for a very long time’, ‘Oh Michael’ I whisper but he puts his hand up stopping me, he leans up and looks at me ‘I have something I should tell you’.

An hour later I knock on the door debating if I should have called first, when Michael told me he was leaving Roswell, I couldn’t comprehend what he was telling me, I got furious with him for giving up and wanting to leave, by the time I left I was angry with myself for getting so upset.

I argued with myself for being angry, I can see how he would want to leave… I mean there is nothing left here for him…expect his friends... and just like that the anger turns to sadness. I knock again nibbling on my bottom lip praying he’s home. I know if I go back home now my brain will think about things I don’t want it to, I’ll be forced to face the fact that another friend is going to disappear.

Maria’s gone…Michael’s leaving, what’s next, I feel like a domino right now one by one the pieces are falling heading straight for me, but I am determined to stand even if in the end I’m the last one standing.

I’m surprised when Mrs. Evans opens the door and suddenly I feel guilty, I haven’t talked to her since the funeral and even then it was only a passing hug. “Liz honey is that you’ she asks surprised, I nod my head yes and I’m quickly engulfed in her arms ‘sweetheart it’s so good to see you…I’ve missed your face around here’.

I realize how much I have missed her too, she was always like a mother to me and I forgot that it must have hurt her too when I didn’t say goodbye, ‘Come in’ she says all to happy dragging me into the living room, ‘its so good to see you….things just haven’t been the same without you here’ she says sitting down next to me.

‘I’m sorry’ I squeak out, I know I must have disappointed and hurt her when I stopped coming around and I’m angry at myself because no matter how much me and Max were fighting or not speaking I should have at least made the effort to see her.

She takes my hands into hers squeezing lightly and smiles ‘nonsense…I’m just glad to see you home and better’ she says giving me a knowingly look, she pulls me into another hug and I feel so safe and loved, I can’t help but tear up.

She pulls back and wipes away my tears ‘none of that’ she says smiling ‘I only want to see your beautiful smile... please say you’ll stay for dinner’ she asks me, I start nibbling on my bottom lip nervously, I love this woman, but not that much, she pats my arm ‘don’t worry…I’m not cooking’ my eyes widen and blush a deep red embarrassed that she could read my thoughts.

She just plays it off like nothing ‘In fact I sent Max to pick up a pizza’ I find myself smiling more just remembering all the things I love about her and just how much she really means to me.

She had taken me under her wing and treated me like one of her own, she was the one that taught me how to put my hair in a ponytail, how to sew, she was the one who talked to me about becoming a woman…she even gave me the sex talk when my father was too embarrassed to do it. I wonder what she would do if she ever found out her son was the one who took my virginity.

I squeeze her hands smiling ‘I actually promised my dad that I would help him at the diner tonight…its going to be my first day back, so I cant tonight’ I tuck a strand back behind my ear ‘but I promise another night and it can even be a night you are cooking’ I say teasing.

She just laughs and pulls me into another hug repeating ‘it’s so good to have you home’. After about thirty minutes I make my way home, I walk thru the front doors of the Crash Down and notice how packed the place is; the waitress’s are running around while people are happily eating and chatting away.

I look over towards the register and see my father happily laughing with a customer, he pauses and catches my eye winking at me and giving me a big smile, I smile back jumping inside to see my father smiling and laughing again. I make my way towards him intent on giving him a big hug and kiss just because I feel like it.

My footsteps falter when I see the smile replaces with a painful frown, my heart starts racing as he looks at me “Lizzie’ he whispers clutching his chest and falling to the ground. “Daddy’ I scream as I take off running, everyone has stopped and the only sound you can hear is the pounding of my foot steps.

I fall to my knees as I reach him ‘daddy…daddyyy’ I scream hysterically as I shake him ‘somebody help me’ I scream frantically, why are all these people just standing there ‘please help me’ I sob out, this cant be happening, this just cant my mind keeps repeating.

“Someone call an ambulance’ I hear someone yell ‘miss’ I feel someone trying to pull me off but I hold tight clutching as I throw my body over his , in harsh loud sobs ‘please don’t leave me daddy…don’t’ leave me’ my body shakes uncontrollably as I continue to plea to him.

I can’t lose him, he’s all I have left and on the inside I am cursing God, my mother left me, Maria left me, Michael is leaving me, I can’t lose my father too, I feel like God is blaming me and punishing me for something.

As I hear the sirens in the background getting closer, I just continue to hold onto my father pleading with him to wake up.

Chapter 18

I stare at the same familiar white walls in front of me as the doctors words replay over and over inside my head like a broken record heart attack…open heart surgery….well do the best we can… I feel like I’m being punished, like someone up there maybe God has personally picked me out to make my life a living hell.

I want to know if I’m being tested, if the goal is throw every horrible imaginable thing at me to see what I’ll do. I feel angry, cheated, picked on, dammit I’ve proved myself when Maria died, I’ve proved myself by trying to help Michael, so why do I keep getting thrown into the ring.

I’m so deep in thought that I don’t even realize that I’m being crushed into a pair of soft arms until she whispers my name, I look up to see Mrs. Evans there with Phillip standing behind her both wearing worrying expressions.

‘You go right ahead and cry honey…let it all out’ she tells me and it sickens me because I don’t feel like crying and I know I should, I may lose my father but I cant cry…I don’t have anything left in me to do so.

‘I’m going to see if there’s any news’ I hear Phillip say as he squeezes my shoulder once before leaving the two of us sitting there. Diane pulls back and cups my cheeks ‘I’m going to bring you back with us’ she says, I shake my head no, I am determined to sit there for weeks if I have to just to be sure he is okay.

‘Sweetheart I think you should…you need to eat and rest’ she says, I go to speak but find the words lodged in my throat, my mouth is so dry and I struggle to wet my mouth enough to speak, she immediately gets up and grabs a cup of water shoving it my hands, she tucks a strand behind my ear as I take a sip. Once I am okay I manage to get a shaky ‘no…he’s going to need me’ out.

She takes the cup out of my trembling fingers and sets is aside, bring her hands back to clasp mine ‘he’s going to be here for a while honey and even after he comes out of surgery, he’s going to be in recovery for probably most of the night…I think it would better if you came and tried to get a little rest and then I’ll bring you back’.

‘What if…what if something happens’ I choke out, she pulls me into a hug ‘he’s going to be fine and I know Jeff wouldn’t want you to stay here like this’ she says, I finally give in giving a shaky nod as Phillip comes back in ‘no word, he’s still in surgery’.

Diane nodes her head and stands up ‘I’m going to bring Liz back to the house to stay with us’ Phillip nods his head as he pulls me up and gives me a hug ‘I think that is the best…I’ll stay here until he’s out of surgery and I’ll call’ ‘thank you’ I whisper as my heart squeezes painfully in my chest.

A little while later we pull up the house, Max and Isabel come running out and I find myself immediately engulfed in a three way hug. As Isabel pulls back Max whispers in my ear ‘are you okay’ I stare up into his eye I find myself throwing out an helpless ‘no’ he immediately pulls his arms around me tighter tucking me under his chin.

I squeeze my eyes shut willing the tears to come and get over with but I find they refuse to fall, and inside I’m screaming stupid tears, stupid pain, we pull apart as he takes my hand and leads me inside.

I hear Diane telling them ‘Liz is going to stay with us until Jeff is able to come home’ I stop and turn towards her ‘I can’t’ I rush out ‘someone…someone has to run the café’ Max leads me towards the kitchen ‘someone else can do that…you don’t need to worry about that on top of everything else’ he says as pulls a chair out for me to sit down.

Diane comes in heading for the leftover pizza ‘I want you to try and eat something sweetheart, then Max can take you home to get some of your things together’ he nods his head in agreement. I stare at the slice of pizza in front of me like it’s a foreign object; my stomach is constantly turning like its daring me to eat that so it can toss it back up.

Max quickly senses my dilemma because he quickly picks it up and heads towards the pantry chunking the pizza in the trash on his way, ‘how about something lighter’ he says grabbing some crackers, he comes and sits down next to me ‘I would like to see you eat something more, but lets just start with these’ he says giving me a small smile.

A half hour later I make my way upstairs as Max heads to talk to the staff letting them know what is going on. My heart is beating heavily as I make my way towards my room, I stop and pause outside my dads bedroom, closing my eyes for a minute I take a deep breath and open the door walking in.

I find myself touching his things, just aimlessly letting my fingers touch this and that. I hold up some of his shirts bringing them to my nose breathing in his scent, I have always loved the way my daddy smelled, when I was little I would ask him all the time why he smelled so good, he would just smile and say it was because I was holding onto him.

I drop the shirts suddenly and bolt of his room finding it difficult to be in there all of a sudden, running into my room I start grabbing some clothes and stuffing them into a duffle bag. When I go to my dresser and pull out some things I freeze. Lying underneath the things is a small bottle of liquor that I forgot about.

I quickly look at my door making sure no one is there and then I turn back to stare at the bottle in front of me, before I can think I drop what I’m holding and pick up the bottle. I make my way out on my balcony and sit down with my back facing the window.

I grip the bottle as I close my eyes telling myself it would be so easy, I could just take a sip…just a sip to calm my nerves. I stare back down at the bottle as my trembling fingers play with cap, picking aimlessly at the plastic still wrapped around the cap.

I’m so lost in my thoughts that I don’t hear him come up behind me ‘Liz’ he says startling me, I quickly try to hid the bottle but its to late he’s already seen it and he faces forms a deep frown as he heads for me.

“Liz please tell me you didn’t’ he pleads as he sits down next to me, I bite down on my lip as I look up to see the disappointment hidden behind the concern in his eyes. ‘I…I didn’t’ I say as I show him the unopened bottle.

He quickly takes it from me and dumps the bottle out over the edge, coming back to me he sits back down putting his arms around me ‘you don’t need it Liz…you are stronger without it, you can get thru this without it’ I feel my lips trembling and I know I’m on the verge of crying and I get angry at myself, I’m so tired of feeling like this.

A logical part of my brain tells me this isn’t the answer but it doesn’t stop me as I start placing nibbling kisses on his neck, I feel him stiffen and his hand that was rubbing soothing circles on back stops ‘Liz what….what are you doing’ he whispers out.

‘Don’t want to hurt anymore’ I whisper as I continue to kiss him, I can feel his breathing growing ragged against my ear as I place my hand on this thigh causing him to jump some, “Liz we can’t do this’ he says breathlessly.

I slide my hand up higher as I argue with him ‘yes we can’ ignoring the fact that I know he’s right, his hand reaches down and grabs mine right before I can make contact and pulls me back some, I look up into his eyes and his stare right back ‘Liz your hurting right now, this…this wouldn’t be rig-‘ ‘I don’t care’ I say cutting him off and trying to lean towards him again, he stops and cups my cheeks ‘I would care’ he says.

Guilt and embarrassment hits me like a tidal wave and I am mortified at my actions, I try to pull away wanting to quickly run away by my behavior, he holds me tighter forcing me to look at him.

“Liz trust me I would love nothing more that to take you in that room and make love to you, but we both know that right now its not the right time’.

I close my eyes nodding my head slowly as I start to feel really stupid, he leans his forehead against mine ‘when it is we both will know and when it does happen it will be special the way its meant to be. We just got our friendship back Liz and I don’t want us to do anything that is going to make us regret anything.’

I feel my eyes glisten as I sob out “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry’ he pulls me back to him as I clutch as his shirt ‘shh’ he try’s to sooth but I can’t help it ‘I just …wanted to feel’ ‘ I know’ he whispers as he starts to rock me.

‘I’m tired…so tired of hurting’ I choke out, I feel him press a kiss to the top of my head ‘I know baby…I know’ he says and I feel his shirt getting soaked by the tears I thought I didn’t have, by the tears I didn’t think were left in me, he just holds tighter as he continues to rock ‘just let it out…let it out I got you’.

[Itzstacie]

Chapter 19

I roll over only to find my attempts halted by a strong arm holding me down or I should say holding me against a hard warm body, I turn my head and smile as I watch Max sleeping peacefully.

I find myself grinning madly as I think back to our conversation last night, after we returned to his home; Diane helped me settle into the guest room as she told me Phillip had called to say that he was on his way home.

The doctors said my dad came out of surgery fine and was expected to make full recovery, well as fully as a heart patient could. I know he would be put on medication and he would have to take it easy, I wanted to go back right then and there but Diane told me that he was still sleeping and that he probably would be the rest of the night. She promised she would take me first thing in the morning.

Somehow I managed to get my appetite back and after polishing off the rest of the pizza along with Isabel who kept me company after kicking Max out of the kitchen telling him that this was a girl’s only pig fest and he was banned from the kitchen. Of course he just stood there pouting and pleading with me to let him stay that is until Isabel threatened to cut off his manhood. I’ve never seen Max run so fast.

Later on I found myself thrown from the midst of a nightmare, I guess all the stress just caught up with me and my subconscious forced me to deal with, instead of doing just that I bolted upright to my heart pounding in my chest and body shaking uncontrollably.

After making my way to the bathroom on shaky knees I managed to wash my face while pleading with my body to calm down. I didn’t realize where my feet took me until I found myself standing in Max’s room at the edge of his bed.

I was surprised to find him awake and he laid there staring at me for a few minutes, before lifting the covers for me to climb in, he never said a word just pulled the covers back up and draped a arm over my waist pulling me closer to him.

My body seemed to calm down instantly and my heart rate returned to normal as we just laid there in silence. I had just started to close my eyes when I hear him whisper in an amused voice ‘you know when my mother finds out we are in a relationship, I don’t think she’ll let you sleep in here anymore’.

I turn my head and notice that I can see his eyes sparkling in the dark as the moon casts a faint glow thru the crack of his curtains, I raise my brow and can’t help but smile ‘is that what were are…in a relationship’.

He props up on his elbow resting his hand on his cheek as his others plays with the edge of my shirt ‘well yeah…that is…if you want to be…I mean if your ready’ he asks in uncertainty.

‘I’m ready’ I rush out and hold the giggle inside when I see the boyish grin he sports. I know with everything that has happened I should really think about this, but I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of worrying, I am ready to be happy and I really believe that this thing with Max and I will work out, we both have made too many mistakes in the past for it not to.

I firmly think that we both have learned and grown, we both have matured enough to give this a try, to finally do what we both have wanted for so long, to be together, to love each other without having to hide it, or be in fear of what might happen.

I place my hand on his arm that is draped over my stomach and softly run my fingers up and down his arm ‘you know thou…you really haven’t officially asked me’ I say teasingly, I see him raise his brow as he looks down at me ‘I haven’t, have I’ he says.

He lays there for a minute then proceeds to sit up on his knees pulling me up with him as he turns me to face him, he cups my cheeks and softly runs the pad of this thumb up and down ‘Liz Parker…would you do me the honor and be my girlfriend’ he asks.

I laugh at his formality as I wrap my arms around his neck coming up on my knees ‘why Max Evans I thought you would never ask…I would love to be your girlfriend’ he smiles really big and pulls me into a hug wrapping his arms around my waist.

We stay like that for a few minutes before he pulls back looking in my eyes again ‘does that I mean I can kiss you now’ he whispers. “I would be disappointed if you didn’t’ I whisper as I lean closer to him.

At first the kiss is so soft and so light that I have to open my eyes to make sure it really happened, I look up and gasp softly as I watch his eyes turn darker and he presses his lips to mine harder this time, we tumbled back down on his bed as the kiss turns more passionate and I can’t help the small moan that escapes the back of my throat.

I cant tell this is affecting him just as much, his evidence starts to poke me in my stomach, he pulls back breathlessly and rests his forehead against mine ‘we should get some sleep…I want to be able to take you to the hospital as soon as visitor hours start’.

All I can do is nod my head and stare at him as I will my body to calm back down, he shifts to lay back beside me and throws an arm around me pulling me back until my back is spooning his front.

I am so lost in my thoughts that I’m startled when I look back up at him I find him staring at me, he smiles as my eyes widen ‘morning’ he whispers I smile back ‘morning’.

“I was afraid last night was a dream’ he tells me, I turn my body so that our fronts are facing each other as I smile ‘afraid not’ I say, ‘so your really here right now and you’re my girlfriend’ he asks.

I laugh ‘yes I’m your girlfriend’ then tease him ‘that is if you haven’t changed your mind’, he jumps up and I can’t help but advert my eyes to smooth golden ridges of his chest, my eyes look back up to meet his and I blush when I notice he caught me.

He leans over me and I find myself trapped underneath him as he straddles me placing his hands on either side of my head, he leans down and I’m caught up in the intensity of his eyes ‘I haven’t changed my mind’ he whispers.

‘You haven’t’ I whisper out as I find myself drowning into his golden sea, his face is only inches from mine, his nose touching mine ‘no’ he says right before planting his lips on mine. Just as we start to get into the kiss there is a knock on his door and we spring apart.

‘Max honey, I just wanted to make sure you were awake, I know you wanted to get to the hospital first thing’ Diane calls out from behind the door, Max looks at me then walks to the door opening it ‘thanks mom’ he says.

He turns back to me as she walks away ‘well then’ I say getting up and walking towards the door. I stop right in front of him ‘I should go get dressed’ I say, he leans forward ‘yeah’ as I start to lean closer I hear ‘Liz, Alex wanted to know if it was okay for us to come’ Max jumps back again banging his head on the door and I can’t help but laugh.

“Yeah Isabel its fine’ I say as I glance at Max once more and walk towards the guest room, I glance back once more and find Max staring at me gripping the doorknob tightly. I smile and walk into the room, closing it behind me I lean back against it and sigh, and suddenly I find myself doing something I havent done in a long time, I grin big.

Chapter 20

Have you ever been so nervous that you felt like you wanted to throw up and pass out all at the same time, that’s how I feel right now as we walk to my father’s room? I know deep down he’s okay, Mr. Evans said so but then why is my heart pounding in my chest and my hands wont stay dry.

I pause at his door and I realize I’m actually scared to see him; I’m scared to see what he may look like, sound like. I feel a hand on my shoulder giving me a light squeeze and I turn to see Max looking at me with concern.

“I’m scared’ I rush out when my vision starts to cloud and the pounding intensifies within my chest, I can hear him following me as I quickly make my way to a near by chair. I lower my head in between my knees trying to get myself back under control.

I can feel Max softly rubbing soothing circles on my back, he kisses the top of my head ‘Liz he’s okay’ he reassures, I look up at him and see him give a small smile but that doesn’t stop the tears from swelling up ‘I know…its just’ I trail off.

He sits down next to me and takes my hands ‘It’s just what’ he coaxes, I shake my head because I know I am being ridiculous and I’m waiting for someone else to tell me that, but they don’t. Max just sits there rubbing his thumbs over the back of my hands ‘are you scared of what you might see’ he asks after a few minutes.

I nod my head yes standing up and start to pace ‘I know I sound stupid’ I say out loud, Max jumps up ‘hey’ he places his hands on my shoulders halting my movements ‘you are not stupid’ he states looking directly in my eyes.

‘You almost lost your father, you are entitled to be scared or whatever else you want to feel. It’s natural that you feel like this, you don’t know what changes this is going to bring but I know you’ll get thru them Liz you are stronger than most people I know…everything is going to be okay’ he says and just like that I’m okay.

We stand there in the hallway just holding each other until I pull back and nod my head ‘okay I’m ready’, he leans in and kisses the my forehead ‘do you want me to go with you’ he asks, I shake my head no, this is something I want to do by myself.

He tells me okay and softly kisses my lips after telling me he’ll be in the waiting room with Isabel and Alex.

I walk back to his door and take a deep breath before slowly pushing his door open, I walk in and notice he’s laying there with his eyes closed and he looks like he’s sleeping peacefully, inching my way in I just watch him for a movement, letting my eyes take in that he’s really okay.

I watch as he slowly open’s his eyes almost as if he knew I was there, turning his head in my direction he smiles ‘Lizzie’. In that instant I want to be five years old again just crawling up into his lap and in that moment I am ‘daddy’ I cry out as I launch myself at him.

I crawl up in his bed as he tells me to be easy, but even as his arms wrap around me I know the pain isn’t going to stop him from holding me. ‘I was so scared daddy I thought…I thought I lost you’ I sob out. He holds me closer to him whispering words ‘I’m okay baby…I’m not going anywhere’ he says.

‘Promise me’ I yell out as I pull back to look him in the eyes ‘promise me you’ll never leave me’ he takes my hands and pulls me back ‘I promise sweetie, and I’m so sorry for scaring you’ he says on the verge of tears.

I pull back and kiss his hands getting him upset is the last thing I want to do so I quickly tell him ‘none of that matters anymore daddy…your fine now’ I say, he smiles at me and nods his head. I ease myself off the bed to sit in the near by chair ‘when are the doctors going to let you come home’ I ask.

‘In a couple of days’ he says trying to reach for a cup of water ‘I’ll still have to take it easy’ I quickly grab the cup for him and fill it with water ‘that’s right which means no restaurant for you’ I say.

He takes the cup from me and frowns ‘I still have a business to run’ I can tell his stubborn streak is starting to show and I have to actually smile its one of things I inherited from him ‘oh no…you don’t, we have people who can do that and I can take care of the books and schedules’ I say with equal stubbornness.

He gives me a light chuckle and agrees with me ‘okay, okay you win…Michael told me the same thing’ to say I’m surprised is an understatement when was Michael here, where was I…visiting hours just started and more so I thought he was leaving.

‘Michael was here’ I ask confused looking at him, my father shakes his head yes ‘he snuck in before visiting hours’ I find myself smiling again only Michael I think.

‘I thought Michael was leaving…I mean that’s what he told me’ I ask ‘he was and still may be, but he came by this morning and told me he was going to help out until I was back on my feet again’.

I know I shouldn’t be as surprised as I am, I mean I know my father and Michael have always had a small father son bond, on more than one occasion I had have Michael Geriun eating dinner with us.

To know that he is going to stay and look after things gives me some hope that Michael is on the verge of living again, that maybe by the time my father is well enough to take back over Michael will actually stay in Roswell where he belongs.

Max, Isabel and Alex came in after that and we stayed for another couple of hours just talking. My father made Max promise to take care of me; Max just looked at me and smiled telling my father always. He finally kicked us out of his room out of fear of Alex making him pop his stitches from laughing to hard.

As we drive to the Crash Down I look out at the passing shops, noticing the people going about their daily business and I smile, it’s been so long since I’ve laughed like that, so long since I felt like a normal teenage girl.

When we walk thru the doors I notice it’s not that busy but I do spot Michael behind the window talking to one of the cooks. I leave the others as they go get a booth and make my way to the back, Michael comes out and meets me halfway, we just stare at each other for a moment before I throw my arms around him ‘thank you’ I whisper.

He gives me an awkward hug and releases me ‘no problem’ he says giving me a knowingly look. I just smile and take his hand leading him over to the group of smiling people as we sit down Max wraps an arm around my shoulder and I lean into his embrace as we start talking about school next week.

[Itzstacie]

Part 21

“Daddy what do you think you are doing’ I yell as I catch him off guard. It’s been a month since he’s been home and I still find myself watching him like a hawk.

I know I must be getting on his nerves, but I can’t help it I almost lost him once and I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t happen again. So I have become the nagging mother hen, always making sure he’s eating healthy, taking his medication and not doing anything that will overwork him.

I hear him sigh loudly as he continues to stock the box on the top shelf ‘Lizzie honey your driving me crazy, please I’m begging you go do something…anything you’re a young teenage girl, go do what teenage girls your age do’. He makes sure the box is secure before walking over to me and reaching into his back pocket for his wallet ‘here I’ll tell you what go shopping, take my credit card…girls always like that’

I narrow my eyes at him as he pushes the card into my hands ‘you know I’m not like other girls’ he smiles and pushes me out the door ‘pretend for me…just this once’ I look up and I see Michael standing there smirking ‘what’ I growl as I stomp past him.

“He’s right you know’ he says, ‘Oh what would you know’ I state as I push open the swinging doors, he follows and grabs hold of my elbow ‘Hey’ he says when he sees I am getting upset ‘I know your worried okay…but cut him some slack okay, Liz your always hounding him’.

‘Excuse me if I just want to make sure he lives another fifty years’ I yell and instantly close my eyes realizing that the entire café just heard me, Michael pulls me away from the prying eyes ‘we all want that Liz, but you have to ease up, I know he appreciates everything you are doing but your are over doing it’.

“Fine’ I state as I whirl and storm thru the front doors of the Crash Down, I know I’m over reacting but I can’t help it. He’s the only relative that I have left and I don’t want to see something happen to him before his time.

Trying to take my mind off of it I find myself sitting out at the park underneath a shady tree sketching. I watch and draw as a lovingly father plays with his daughter in the sand box, I find myself smiling as they build up a sand castle then she turns and stomps it.

My eyes shift when I hear footsteps come up behind me and I smile as I see Max sitting down next to me, ‘hey’ he smiles as he leans over and pecks my lips ‘hey yourself’. He looks down at my drawing then out at the father and daughter ‘you’re really good at that’ he says.

I find myself blushing ‘thank you’ closing the pad up I place it down next to me ‘so what are you doing here, I thought you had to do some things for your mother’, he pulls his knees up resting his arms on top of them ‘Michael called me’ ‘oh’ is all I can as I draw my bottom lip in.

‘He said you might want someone to talk to’ he says glancing at me, I shake my head ‘no…I’m driving my father nuts, I get that’ he reaches over and takes my hand ‘no your not’ he tries to reassure, I just give him a look and he forms a half smile ‘okay so maybe you are…but if it makes you feel better he really does love that you are trying to take care of him’.

I just shrug my shoulders and look back at the father and daughter playing I smile as the daughter dumps sand on him and I can tell he isn’t too happy about it, but he just smiles and laughs it off. Out of the blue I hear him ask ‘what are you doing tonight’.

I turn and look at him ‘I hadn’t planned on anything why’ ‘I want to take you out on a date’ I smile bigger ‘a date’ he smiles shyly and looks down ‘well we are in a relationship…’ ‘Yes we are’ I say as I scoot closer to him.

He looks up and smiles and reaches up to cup my cheek ‘so let me take you out to dinner and a movie…or what ever you want to do’ I lean into his touch ‘okay’. ‘Great’ he smiles and leans in a little closer to me, I let my eyes drift down to his lips then back up to his eyes ‘it’s a date then’ I say as I lean closer.

‘Yeah’ he whispers as he closes the distance between us softly placing his lips on mine

Chapter 22

I smile as he hands me a dozen white roses, I have to admit it makes me feel good to see him acting so shyly. It’s funny how shy we can be when we’ve known each other for so long, but I know it’s because we are entering a new territory.

There’s a new level of intimacy with us and it feel exciting and terrifying at the same time. We thought we knew each other so well but the truth was neither of us knew what we really felt deep down inside.

If you asked me what Max’s favorite color is I could tell you just like I could tell you his favorite food, music, books, etc, but if you asked me what his most deep darkest secret was I couldn’t tell you, its amazing how we couldn’t see what the other felt when we have been best friends all of our lives.

‘You look really beautiful’ he says as his cheeks take on a tint of pink and he nervously shifts from foot to foot. “Thank you’ I say shyly as I bring the roses up to my noses. He clears his throat nervously before asking me if I’m ready, I place the roses in a vase before we head out.

We have a nice quiet dinner just talking and laughing like we used too before heading to somewhere that he won’t tell me. I’m smiling because it’s nice to be with him this way again, seeing him do things like this again, and surprising me.

However the moment we pull up my smile falters and I look at him questionably ‘Max what are we doing here’.

He turns the jeep off and turns to face me ‘I haven’t been here since the funeral, and I know you haven’t either…I thought it would be something we both could do together, I thought it was time we visited her’ he reaches in the back seat and pulls out another bouquet of flowers ‘are you okay with it’ he asks.

I bit my bottom lip unsure…I mean I know she’s really gone, but somewhere in the back of my mind she’s still here and visiting her grave will just make it all the more real she’s really gone. Do I really want to let up on my fantasy that she’s just out traveling the world or doing something outrageous and fun.

Part of me knows that seeing the grave will just force the reality back down onto me and part of me knows I should do this, I look at his outstretched hand and place mine in his letting out a shaky ‘okay’.

He brings my hand to his lips and places a light kiss on the back of it ‘we can do this’ he says giving it a light squeeze. I sit while he gets out and runs around to open the door for me, once out of the jeep he takes my hand in his and together we walk up the stoned path.

When we reach the tombstone I notice fresh flowers already there, I wonder if Michael left them, I wonder if he comes here at all.

Max hands me the flowers and I kneel down placing them next to the ones already there, he kneels down next to me as I silently trace her name with my fingertips, I feel the tears start to fall as Max pulls me back against him.

No words are spoken as we both sit there, there’s no need for them, it’s almost like I can just think my thoughts and she’ll hear them, Max wraps an arm around my waist and we stay that way for a while.

‘Can I ask you something’ he asks me later as he helps me back up, ‘Sure’ I say as I dust myself off ‘Do you have any regrets’ I look up at him and think back replaying everything in my mind that led me here and I tell him the only thing I can say I regret is the fact that Maria is not here to see I’ve held onto my promise.

I stopped drinking, I’ve stopped Michael from going down that exact same road and I can say I am happy; I have a reason to smile again. I have my father, my friends and I have Max for the first time in my life I feel like soaring but I can’t help the nagging little voice in the back of my mind wondering when its all going to come crashing down.

The wind blows gently rustling my hair as he pulls me into his arms ‘I think she already knows’ he says as he tucks a strand behind my ear, I smile and close my eyes as a familiar scent of cedar oil drifts thru my nose almost like she’s here.

‘Do you have any’ I ask as I open my eyes and look into his, his nods his head then takes my hand leading me towards the jeep. ‘I regret not having the courage to tell you how I truly felt…I think maybe a lot of things could have been avoided’.

I stop as we get by the door ‘you weren’t the only reason why I started drinking Max’ he gives me this look and I forge ahead before he can say anything ‘Don’t blame yourself…me drinking was my fault and I take total blame for my actions. I could have said something to you…to my father…or my friends.

If anything you helped me more that I was willing to help myself, you went to my father when I didn’t have the courage to do so, we’ve both made mistakes, but you were the only one who stood behind me in all of this.

You could have walked away a thousand times even after the incident that happened on your birthday you were still there in the shadows watching over me and I cant tell you how much that means to me, how much more I love you for it’.

I see his eyes glistening then sparkle as he steps closer to me and wraps an arm around my waist ‘what’ ‘say it again’ he says placing my hand over his heart ‘what’ I whisper as I start to get lost into his golden sea ‘the last part’ he whispers leaning his head closer to mine’.

I smile and lean a little closer ‘what, I love you’ he lets out a happy sigh leaning his forehead on mine ‘you make my heart skip a beat every time you say it’.

‘I do, do I…well then let me repeat it’ I whisper as I bring my lips closer to his ‘I love you, I love you, I love you’ ‘I love you too’ he whispers right before sealing his lips on mine.

We stay that way just holding each other and softly caressing each others lips before we pull apart and he helps me up in the jeep. The drive home is in silence buts it a comfortable silence and I can’t express how much that means to me.

The first thing that strikes me when we pull up is that the lights are still on in the Crash Down, being that I know the café closed over an hour ago sends me into a full fledged panic. Max grabs my hand immediately squeezing it as I start to tremble.

‘Michael probably forgot to turn the lights off’ he tells me, I nod my head wanting to agree because in the past he’s done that. I give him a small smile and wait as he hops out and runs around to open my door.

The moment we walk to the door I stop short when I notice my father talking to a dark haired woman, it’s not the fact that he’s talking to another woman that has my stomach twisting in knots all of a sudden but the look on his face.

His expression is guarded but I can see that underneath his calm features he’s on edge with whatever this woman is telling him, when he runs his hands down his face and shouts an angry no it forces my feet to propel forward.

I step in and stop a few feet away looking between the two, my father looks at me worriedly and slowly gets up moving towards me. “Dad’ I ask worried as he wraps an arm around my waist and leads me towards the booth, I look at the woman who is looking at me with sympathy.

“What’s going on’ I demand as my father turns me to face him, calmly he speaks trying not to upset me ‘Honey this is Barbara…she’s a friend of your mothers’.

[Itzstacie]

Chapter 23

My Mother is dying!

I shouldn’t care right; it shouldn’t matter to me if the woman who gave me life is dying. She abandoned me, didn’t want to be a part of my life. She could have made contact but she didn’t, not one time in my life did she seem to care.

So why should I, I don’t even know her, so why do I feel like my world is crashing down around me. Why do I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and just hide.

It hurts to breathe and all I can do is cry, after my mothers friend told me that my mother was dying and wanted to see me I immediately walked straight to my room ignoring everyone, she never wanted to see me before so why is she doing this to me now.

Part of me is curious, part of me wants to know why she left me, why she never wrote called or anything and the other half of me is saying to hell with her so what if she’s dying.

‘Liz please open the door’ Max calls softly from the other side of my locked door, I can’t deal with him right now, I don’t want him to witness me breaking down, my walls are crumbling fast and everything I worked so hard for is crashing down hard and fast and I cant face him.

“I just…I just need to be alone right now, please just go home’ I plead while placing a chair underneath the door handle to make sure no one can get in.

‘I can’t do that…please just open the door, please I just want to make sure your okay’ he cries out, I can hear the fear in his voice ‘I’m okay…. I’ll call you later’ I say as I start rummaging through my room, there has to be one here somewhere, I need it…I need to feel numb so I can’t deal with the pain of thinking about my mother.

“Liz please’ he cries louder as I start ignoring his pleas and start looking around my room, I walk into my closet and start tossing things around. Dammit I know there must be one here somewhere, I can feel my skin itching, its calling me, I need to find it before I jump out of my skin.

I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, I tug on my hair hard scanning my room getting frustrated, as I glance around I notice my nightstand. Suddenly remembering I run and drop to my knees yanking the drawers out and pull out the bottle that was hidden underneath it.

I pick it up and sit on the edge of my bed staring at it, Why did she have to come back in my life now, why is the only thing repeating in my mind. I place my hand on the lid, I don’t want to feel what I’m feeling, I hurt enough in my life haven’t I, why does God keep doing this to me, I’m only a teenage girl I shouldn’t have to face the things I have faced, I shouldn’t have had to deal with the heartache in my life. I haven’t even really lived yet and the years I have lived have been filled with so much pain.

I bring the bottle to my lips, It’ll be okay now I can do it this one time and I can take the pain and confusion away and It’ll all be okay, I close my eyes and let the liquid run down my throat, Its been a while and it burns to much that I wind up coughing.

‘Liz what are you doing’ Max begins to pound on my door ‘nothing’ I lie as I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand ‘Open the door Liz’ his cries have turned into panic as he continues to bang on the door.

I turn back to the bottle and bring it up to my lips ‘Its going to be okay now’ I say to myself, the pounding stops and I slide down to the floor resting my back on the side of my bed. I lean my head back letting the alcohol take effect, I can feel it working its way through my blood numbing everything as it goes.

I finish off the bottle and look up to see Max staring at me through my window his face is set with anguish and anger as he eyes the bottle. Before I can get up to do anything he’s putting his fist through my window and opening it, I scramble sloppily up to my feet as he climbs in.

Ignoring the blood dripping from his hand he grabs the bottle and throws to the ground before grasping me by my arms ‘Why Liz…why would you do this’ he cries out.

My body begins to tremble with guilt, and I can’t look at him ‘I did…n’t …want to…to…to hurt’ I sob out. He lets go and picks up the empty bottle ‘this is what’s hurting you’ he yells ‘why couldn’t you just talk to me I was right here…after everything God Liz how could you’.

‘You don’t understand’ I say as I try to start using excuses ‘Oh I understand’ he says, I try and take his hand ‘Max your hand is bleeding’ trying to get my mind off the fact that I have let him down not to mention my father when he finds out.

He yanks his hand from me ‘fuck my hand…did you…did you mean anything you said tonight’ he whispers as his bottom lip trembles violently.

“You know I did’

‘Bullshit’ he cries out ‘if it did then you wouldn’t have done this, you haven’t learned at all’ he points to the bottle them to myself ‘was it really worth it, is she really worth it’ he takes a step forward ‘look at what you’ve done to yourself, all that work you did, the rehab down the drain for a woman would didn’t give a shit about you’.

I turn my back to him as the tears stream down my face ‘I’m sor…rry’ I cry out, my heart breaks more when I hear his broken whisper ‘I can’t do this again’ my body whips around to face him as my heart pounds in my chest ‘what’ I ask shakily.

He looks me in my eyes not caring that the tears are blurring both of our vision “I can’t watch you do this again…it hurt so much to watch you go down like that…I can’t…I cant do it again’

I take a step towards him as he takes one back holding up his hand “Don’t’ he says shaking his head, he wipes his eyes then straightens up his shoulders “I love you but I cant be the one this time…I’m sorry I just-‘ he says.

‘Max’ I sob out as he makes his way towards my door ‘I’m sorry’ I cry out, he doesn’t turn around but opens my door ‘when you decide life is more important you know where to find me’ he walks out leaving me to fall to my knees sobbing.


Part 24

It’s been a week since Max walked out of my door, I know he’s hurting as much as I am. I can see it in his eyes whenever I look at him, I can see him wanting to reach out to me but he hold’s his ground.

I know I’m the one who messed up, I gave into the temptation again and failed everyone around me. I also know I can’t stop.

It’s a never ending cycle, I hurt…I drink, I know the pain I’m causing is my doing but I’m powerless to stop it. My father wants to send me back to that place but I threatened him that I would run away, I’m in control.

He watches me all the time thinking he’s stopping me, he checks the apartment over and over so I learned to become sneaker, I’ve learned to hide my emotions well making sure I drink just enough to where I’m not drunk but enough to get me through the day.

I keep telling myself ‘it’s the last time’ each sip I take I repeat ‘it’s the last one’ over and over only to repeat the mantra over when I wake up the next day.

These wall mock me, they taunt me reminding me over and over again that I’ve been here to many times in the last year. I feel like I can’t breathe, I’m suffocating feeling like I’m going to be sucked into this vortex, but it doesn’t stop my feet from moving forward.

If anything being isolated has done this week is given me the strength to finally face my mother, don’t ask me where it came from. It’s not the fact that she’s dying that brought me here, but because I wanted to know why?…why did she leave me?…why couldn’t she love me.

I stand outside her door with my insides a mess, the alcohol I induced before does nothing to squash the frazzled remains of my nerves, now that I stand here outside her door, I’m frozen to move forward, deep down I’m terrified of what her answers will be.

The decision is taken away from me when the door opens and a startled nurse jumps back ‘My goodness you scared me’ she places a hand over her heart ‘are you here to see Nancy’ she asks.

She steps back smiling ‘Nancy you have a visitor’ the nurse pats my arm as she walks by ‘go ahead in honey’.

Well too late to turn back now, I keep my eyes downcast as I walk into her room, only when I hear her gasp do I look up ‘Your even more beautiful than I imagined’.

I bite my bottom lip hard to keep it from trembling as I nervously shift from foot to foot, It’s kind of ironic that I had so much to say, to ask that now I cant find the words once I’m here.

‘I…I didn’t think you would come’ she says softly ‘ I know what you must be thinking’.

My head snaps up ‘no you don’t…you don’t know a dam thing about me’.

She looks away and shakes her head ‘your right…. I’m sorry’.

I can see the tears shimmering on the edge of her lashes, my own lashes mirrors hers and blink rapidly trying to will them away.

‘Elizabeth, I can only imagine how much you hate me right now, lord knows I hate me…I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I regret. I know that nothing I can say or do is ever going to make up for it…but if you let me I would like to try and explain’.

‘Why should I’ I yell ‘why should I listen to anything you have to say now, you didn’t think It was important the last fifteen years of my life…so why now’.

‘I know but please try and understand I was –

‘Understand??? I’ll tell you what I understand; you left your two year old daughter and her father because you didn’t love us’.

‘NO’ she shakes her head ‘I did love you both very much, I do love you –

‘Don’t say that, you didn’t love us, you didn’t care…if you did you would have never left’.

‘Please just let me explain’

‘NO’ I yell ‘I don’t want to hear it, you expect me to what feel sorry for you because your dying, expect me to what say all is forgiven, want me to let you clear your guilt so you can die happy…well guess what I’m glad your dying, I hope you rot in hell’.

The tears are coursing down my face as my body trembles uncontrollably, I feel like I’m not even really here, that I’m standing outside myself saying all of these horrible things.

‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry’ she sobs out “I thought I was doing what was best, I didn’t want to leave’.

‘THEN WHY DID YOU’ I sob out ‘did you know…. Do you even care I had to listen to my father cry himself to sleep for two years…. That we spent years trying to understand why you left…God who do you think you are…. What gives you the right to walk back into our lives now…we don’t need you…. I DON’T NEED YOU!… we are fine without you now…how…how could you come back here…how could you just come here and turn our lives upside down again…why couldn’t…why couldn’t you love me…what did I do that was so wrong’. I sobbingly hiccup out.

“It wasn’t you…I swear it wasn’t you’ she cries.

I turn my back to her as I try to control myself; my body is shaking so hard my legs wanting to give out on me.

‘I have a problem’ she whispers out “I’ve had it even before you were born, I hid it well from everyone, my friends my family, even your father when…. When I found out I was pregnant with you I tried to stop, I even succeeded for a while, I was so sure I had my life under control again’.

My cries have downed to sniffles as I wrap my arms around myself but I don’t turn to face her, I think if I did I would lose it all over again.

“I started to become depressed…I started snapping at everyone, at your father mostly, it got to the point where I couldn’t stand him to even touch me. One night…one night I went out with an old friend, just to get away. I thought that if I could just go out with the girls for a little while I would be okay, that it was just something I needed because I was always cooped up at home’.

‘We went to a club, at first I thought I could handle it, I thought that I would be okay, I was strong I could handle it…but it was within thirty minutes that I gave in and started drinking heavily’.

I gasp as I turn around and look at her; the knowledge is starting to sink in and squeezing the life out of me.

‘I couldn’t stop’ she says ‘I would hide it from Jeff, whenever he was down in the café I would stay upstairs and drink, if he knew he never said anything, I think…I think he did know and just ignored it because I was being affectionate again towards him.’

I want to yell at her to stop, that I don’t want to hear anymore. The thought of me doing the same thing to my father has me feeling like the lowest thing alive; the guilt is gnawing away at my insides.

‘Two days before I left, your father had gone out of town on a business trip for the café, the minute he left I got so drunk I…I passed out. I don’t remember how long I was out but when I woke up I heard you screaming,

I ran to where you were and I freaked out when I saw you…you were…you were covered in blood…you somehow managed to pull a chair over to the counter and climbed on top of it. You were trying to get to the cookies because the jar was broken on the floor…that’s how you got that scar above your eye, I guess the chair tipped over and you fell with the jar’.

I mindlessly bring my hand to my scar running my fingers over it.

“I was so scared, I rushed you the emergency room and once we got back home the force of what I had done hit me, I knew I was in no shape to raise you, I didn’t deserve to be a mother to you…I wouldn’t have been able to live myself if something happened to you again, but I also knew I wouldn’t be able to stop drinking again, I was week.

So I made a decision when your father got back I lied about what happened to your eye and when everyone went to bed I left. I knew Jeff would take care you, he would raise you right because what good would a drunken mother be, I didn’t want you turn out like me.’

I stand there blinking at her, you know how they say the truth will set you free, well her truth just slapped me hard in the face and what do I do…. I laugh out loud, not a funny ha ha laugh but a Oh GOD I can’t believe this one.

I bring my shaking fingers into balls as I stop abruptly and look up at her ‘well guess what MOTHER, whadda you know it didn’t matter that you left because I turned out like you after all’ and then I do what I had been itching to do since I got there I bolt.

I can feel my heart pounding heavily in my chest as my feet keep moving, my lungs are burning and I’m gasping for air but I don’t stop running.

The farther away from the hospital the better, fear is coursing through my veins and it keeps me moving my feet even as I stumble and fall.

The cold rain starts pelting down numbing me to the burning sensations of the cuts and bruises I know I have from falling, I see the house in the distance and will my legs to keep moving.

The lights are off but it doesn’t stop me I pound on the window waiting for him to come, I gulp in hugh amount of air as my chest heaves and the tears stream down my face.

I see the light switch on and jump back when I see his surprised expression as he opens the window, he quickly frowns ‘Liz’ he asks worriedly.

And in that moment it all comes out ‘ help me…help me please…I…I don’t want to be like her…I’m not her…I’m not her’ I choke out in harsh broken sobs.

He flies out the window and I find myself engulfed into his arms as we sink to the wet ground ‘what happened’ he asks as he rubs his hand up and down my back I just keep repeating ‘I’m not her…I’m not her’ as we stay kneeling there with the rain coming down.

Part 25


I stand there shivering, soaked to the bone watching as Max walks into the bathroom and returns with some towels. I carefully follow his movements as he goes and pulls out a couple pairs of sweat suits ‘here you can change into these’ he says.

I watch as he stands there mimicking my actions his body shaking too, its only then that I realize that he’s only wearing a pair of boxers.

I find myself memorized by the drops dripping from his hair and rolling down his toned chest only to be absorbed by the edges of his boxers ‘Liz’ he whispers snapping me out my daze ‘go ahead and get changed before you get sick’ he says.

I nod absently minded as he gently nudges me towards the bathroom, once inside I close the door and slide down to the floor, closing my eyes and resting my head against the door. My life is such a mess, I wonder if it’s possible to sink any lower than I have.

I replay the conversation with my mother over and over, after the million of scenarios I played out over the course of my life, I had never imagined that I would turn out just like her after all. My father God I can’t help but wonder if knew about her problem and if he did what I must have put him through.

I throw my hand over my mouth trying to drown out my sobs, I know I have noone to blame but myself, the force of hurt and pain that I caused everyone around me hits me head on. My father, Max, Isabel, Michael, Alex and others, how am I ever going to be about to look them in the eye again.

I’ve hurt them so much and all they did was try and reach out to me, a little voice in the back of my head tells me they will forgive me but a part of me has a hard time believing it. How much can you actually put someone through before they wash their hands of you completely?

“Liz’ I hear Max ask softly from the other side ‘Just…just a minute’ my voice cracks as I quickly scramble up and strip off my clothes. After changing I stare at myself in the mirror noticing the way my eyes and nose are red and puffy from crying.

I stare harder and for the first time in a long time, I see myself. I see the damage I have done and I finally wake up and realize what I have to do.

I open the door and see Max sitting on the edge of his bed, slowly he brings his eyes up to mine and my heart breaks more knowing how much pain I caused him, how much I hurt him, this person who means everything to me.

He stands up slowly as I stand there nervously twisting my hands together ‘are you ready to tell me what happened’ he asks.

I shake my head feeling the tears swell up again at his grief stricken face ‘I’ I lick my lips trying to get it out ‘I want too…and I will…can…can you just hold me for right now’. He looks hesitant and I quickly plead ‘please I…I promise I will tell you, there’s so much I want to tell you but I just cant form the words’.

‘Okay’ he agrees just like that, making my heart clench more, he walks over and takes my trembling hands into his and leads me over to the bed and pulls the covers back.

‘I called your father, he knows you’re here’ he says as I climb in ‘thank you’ I whisper out. He slides into next to me drawing me to him and I quickly let myself relax in his touch, its only then do I notice that I wasn’t the only one trembling.

He shuts off the light and I hear him take a staggered breath, I close my eyes and just breathe him in realizing how much I really missed him and just how I really do need him in my life.

We both lay there in silence neither one of us sleeping, I swallow a couple of times before bringing my eyes up to his, even in the dark I can see him staring up at the ceiling ‘I saw my mother’ I whisper out.

He closes his eyes for a moment then brings his gaze to me ‘what did she say’ he asks. ‘She’ my voice catches and he pulls me tighter and starts rubbing my back softly. ‘She told me why she left’.

He waits for me to continue ‘I found out were not so different after all…she left because she had a drinking problem’. “Liz’ he whispers out ‘guess the apple doesn’t fall from the tree huh, instead of just leaving like she did…I pushed everyone away’.

‘Your not like her’ he says ‘how can you say that…I’m just like her’. ‘Because Liz I know you, I know you can beat this thing, you just have to believe in yourself and realize that there is something you can do about it’.

He shifts so that we are laying side by side ‘and if you can’t do it for yourself then do it for everyone that loves you and that is worried about you…do it…do it for me please…Liz please because its killing me to see you like this’ he cries out.

I feel warm drops hit my face, my stomach flip flops as I feel my bottom lip start to tremble “I love you Liz…I love you so much and I’m so scared because I don’t know how to help you, I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so scared…I’m so scared’ his soft cries turn into sobs.

I quickly wrap my arms around him ‘I’m sorry…I’m so sorry’ I start crying again “I don’t want to be this person anymore, I want to be me…I want to be normal again…please help me Max’.

He doesn’t get a chance to reply as his bedroom door quickly opens “Max honey I heard you crying, what is…Liz’ Diane questions as she turns on the lights. “What are you doing here this late honey’.

Before I can say anything Mr. Evans appears and I scramble out of the bed ‘What is going on’ he asks clearly not happy about being woke up.

Before Max can say anything I reply ‘Please don’t be mad at him…I showed up here for help’ I close my eyes and take a deep breath opening them I glance at Max who is looking at me with love and encouragement then look to his parents.

I swallow hard then take the steps that I know I need to take ‘I have a problem and I’m in trouble’ I say

“What is it honey’ Diane asks worriedly.

I bit my bottom lip then take the plunge “I am an alcoholic’.

Part 26

I stare up at the familiar house and try to squash the nervousness in my stomach; I look at my hands and find them trembling slightly. I bit my bottom lip as I look around trying to spot any differences, the car door opens and I look up into a pair of warm amber eyes.

He places a hand out and I nervously place mine in his letting him help me out of the car. I take a deep breath and he wraps his arms around me tenderly ‘Are you okay’ he asks.

‘I’m scared’ I answer in honesty, two weeks ago I was dead set on not going back to this place, now here I am determined to make it the three months or longer if I have to, I am determined to regain control of my life again.

It was scary, strange and surprisingly freeing at the same time when I said those words ‘I’m an alcoholic’. It was almost as if I didn’t say them right then and there I knew I would be lost forever, and when Mrs. Evans didn’t say a word but instead just took me into her arms and cried along with me it was like this huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

The whole time we talked will sitting there in Max’s room she never once looked down on me but instead listened and held me the way a mother should, a way my own mother should have throughout my life. I did wind up going back to the hospital with Max by my side. After more tears were shed I told her the words she needed to hear, I told her I forgave her.

I think I wanted to be the better person, I know she didn’t deserve my forgiveness or even my understanding but somewhere along the way I realized that my life wasn’t so bad without her there, My father more than made up for it and even thou it was never said out loud or its by blood I did have a mother, Diane was my mother. Thinking back she was always there when I was growing up even when I needed to just escape Nancy she would take me in and treat me like one of her own.

The words she told me gave me the courage and the strength to face my mother again; she said “God always has a plan for us, that he would never lead us into a direction that he didn’t think we could handle’.
I may never understand totally why he chose my path, but I think deep down I do. I had a hard lesson to learn and it took everything that has happened to me in my life to learn it.

I think it’s finally sunk in that I have people who love me, who care about me and in the end I know I am stronger now, I don’t have to be this perfect person I’m allowed to make mistakes and people aren’t going to run away because of it.

Out of all the people I talked to these last two weeks, the hardest was my father. Tears were shred when I talked to Alex, Isabel, Michael and even Tess; the tears were not out of anger but were out of understanding and mending fences.

I realized that these people were what were most important; I finally saw how destroying my life was also destroying theirs. Not so much in a psychical way but more of an emotional one, I saw how much I hurt them by shutting them out making them feel helpless and confused.

I was more surprised by Michael’s reaction more than the others; he told me he was never angry with me just disappointed in me. He wondered how I could so easily save him from going down that road but not myself that I should have known that Maria wouldn’t have wanted me to end up like I did either.

That hurt the most, knowing I broke a promise to her, I helped Michael but I didn’t help myself. Even when he took me his arms hugging me and whispering ‘she’ll forgive you, I know she’s looking down right now and smiling’ didn’t ease the guilt any less.

When I was ready to admit to my father, Mrs. Evans was sitting right there next to me every step of the way, I know I had already disappointed him but I was terrified to face him with the truth. I told him everything from the sneaking around, to facing my mother.

He was shocked to find out the truth, he swore he never knew about the drinking and it hurt him more that neither my mother nor I came to him. When I told him I was ready to back to rehab he sobbed tears of joy and told me he loved me. I know he was disappointed when I told him that I wanted Max to bring me this time.

I think in someway he understood that this was something that I needed to do, I guess in some way it’s my way of proving to Max that I’m serious about going, about taking back control. We haven’t officially got back together but I know that one day we will be.

‘Why are you scared’ he asks me snapping me out of my daydream. I look up at him and shrug my shoulders ‘I’m not really sure, I know what I want to do but deep down I’m scared I’ll fail again and it terrifies me that I’ll disappoint everyone again’.

‘You wont’ he says tucking a strand of hair behind my ear ‘how can you be so sure’ I ask. His eyes bore into mine and I can’t help it my heart skips a beat ‘because I believe in you’ he whispers.

‘I’m glad one of us does’ I whisper back, his hand slides up and cups my cheek ‘you will too, I know because I know you, your stronger than you think and I know because you have a ton of people supporting you and who love you’ he says.

I lean into his hand and close my eyes, ‘do you’ I ask as I open them back up and look into his. His lips curve up ‘you know I do’ he says ‘and when you get out I’ll be waiting for you’. ‘You will’ I ask, he nods his head and I smile, I pull back and took towards the house ‘I guess I should go’.

He nods and takes my hand picking my suitcase up with the other ‘promise me you’ll call or write as soon as you can’ he asks, I look at him ‘everyday’ I smile at him.

We walk hand in hand to the door and he sets my suitcase down, taking my arms he pulls me towards him and slides his hands around my waist, I lay my head on his chest and just breath him in “I’m going to miss you’ I say after a moment as I feel the tears start to swell up. “I’ll miss you too’ he says taking his head and burying it in my neck taking a deep sigh.

I hold on for a minute longer than pull back ‘I’ll see you soon’ I say and he nods, I watch as his gaze drops to my lips and leans forward a little. I close the gap and press my lips softly against his. I close my eyes letting him take the lead as we stand there kissing softly.

He pulls back and rests his forehead against mine “this is harder than I thought it would be’ he says, a tear escapes me and he reaches up to wipe it away “I know’ I say as my bottom lip trembles, he raises his head and looks into my eyes ‘I love you’ he says and in that instant I believe in myself, I believe that I am finally going to beat this.

[Itzstacie]

Chapter 27

I ‘m going home today, It’s hard to believe that I’ve been here six months. I know what your thinking that I should have only been here for three, but the thing is at the end of three months I knew I wasn’t ready.

My body was psychically ready but emotionally I still had a ways to go, I had to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin before being comfortable around other people.

There was still a lot to learn about myself and a lot I needed to deal with, the biggest obstacle that I had to overcome was the alcohol but in the end it wasn’t really the biggest factor the biggest factor was learning that I couldn’t blame my problems on other people.

Its strange that somedays it was incredibly easy while others were so pain stacking that I wanted to pull my hair out. I have to say the nights with the shakes were the worst, when your whole body trembles and there is nothing you can do but close your eyes and pray it will be over soon.

My counselor told me that it would go away over time as soon as my body learned to function again without the alcohol. There was times when I wanted to give up so badly because I couldn’t deal with the tremors but my counselor kept behind me and instead of giving up I finally believed that I would beat this thing.

Max was true to his word and wrote me like everyday, when I was finally able to start receiving mail they gave me two full shoeboxes. I cherished those letters, to know that I had everyone back home believing in me and waiting for the day for me to come home.

His words gave me the determination and his love gave me warmth at night when I was alone in my room. I think the nights were the worst when I was lying in bed missing everyone. I missed my father the most.

I mean I always looked up to him, he was my hero, my mentor and somewhere along the way I forgot that. He was always there for me when I needed him, always picking me back up, kissing my scrapes, even when he was married to Nancy I know he would have been there for me if only I had gone to him.

I took him for granted and in the process of my downhill spiral he got hurt and I think that hurts the most, the fact that I disappointed him and that something no child wants to do with their parents.

How do you build back trust once its been broken, I know he forgives me he’s’ told me a hundred of times but I know deep down things will never be the same. My mother finally died about two months after I was here, and the weird thing was I wasn’t all that sad about it.

I know a part of me should have been sad but how can you be sad about someone you never knew.

My life has taken on a new path one that is going to be an everyday struggle to stay sober, to have the courage to open up and talk to those around me. The biggest thing I have learned so far is to open up and let people in, that even thou I feel like my life is falling apart, I don’t have to turn to alcohol. I’m allowed to make mistakes and if I do people aren’t going to stop loving me.

As I pack my bag I have a new level of tolerance that wasn’t there before, I’m ready to face the world again and I know I wont be facing it alone this time.

Is it natural that a part of me is still scared, I haven’t seen anyone since Max dropped me off six months ago, well I have seen my father. Max wanted to but never did, he finally told me in a letter that he thought that it was best that he didn’t, that I needed the time to get better and he was right, I did need this time to concentrate on me.

He told me that he would still be waiting for me when I got home, that he hoped we could start over with our relationship. I think that itself gave me strength and courage I never knew I had.

‘Liz your dad is here’ Michelle tells me, she was one of the girls here too.

I close my suitcase and look around at the room that’s been my home for the last six months, closing my eyes I take a deep breath, this is it.

Making my way downstairs I see my father talking to my counselor, when he sees me he immediately smiles and opens his arms, I run the rest of the way flinging myself into his arms.

‘Lets go home honey’ he says squeezing me, I smile and inhale ‘yes lets go home’.

Chapter 28

I stare out my window, just looking at my trusty lounge chair, Its strange and warm all at once being in my room. Strange because I haven’t been here in so long and warm because simply put its home.

Its funny how you can feel so many emotions at one time, how is it possible to be both calm and nervous at the same time. It’s been so long since I have felt calm in my life, and its welcoming. I’m nervous because I’m torn between wanting to pick up the phone and call Max or just wait for him to come to me.

It’s not because I’m scared of being turned away, I know he is waiting for me and I know that he’d be happy to see me, but it’s the butterflies I know I will get when I see him. That flutterness I feel in my heart everything I see him.

What do I say to him when I do see him, do we just pick back up where we left off or is it going to be something we start back at the beginning with? I used to be so comfortable in Max’s presence that I never second-guessed myself but ever since I fell in love with him, I get scared of what to say or what to do.

Blowing out my breath I turn and head downstairs ready to face the world again, I’m curious to see if anything has changed since I’ve been gone. When I get downstairs in the back of the café I’m surprised to see Michael there, I thought for sure he would long gone.

When he sees me he smiles and suprises me by engulfing me in a hug ‘your dad told me you would be back today…you look good’ he says. “Thank you’ I manage to get out while trying to hide the shock of Michael Geriun actually hugging me.

He pulls back ‘are you glad to be back home’ ‘yes I am’ I say as he leads me over to the couch. Sitting down I look over at him ‘I thought you would have been gone by now’, he shrugs and leans his elbows on his knees ‘I had planned on it…I didn’t think there was really anything left here for me after Maria’.

I bite my lip at the mention of her name, when I was in counseling it finally hit me that she was really gone, but at the same time I realized that she would always live on. She would live on inside my heart and I know that she would watch over me.

‘So what changed your mind’ I ask, he looks at me then turns back ‘I realized that there was more than just her here, I had other people who loved me just the same’.

I smile ‘I’m glad to hear that, because its true … you’re a part of my family Michael, I love you and I need you just as much’. He smiles ‘I love you too in that sisterly kind of way…you and your dad have given me more than you should, you made me a part of your family and I realized I couldn’t just walk away from that’.

‘I’m glad because I would miss you…you know’; he nods his head and looks down at the ground ‘can I tell you something’ he asks. Nodding my head ‘sure’ he looks at me then back down to the ground ‘the others don’t know yet’.

Now he really has me curious, and inside I have to admit that I’m really happy for him to tell me first before anyone else, it makes me feel like we have really connected on a new level.

He rubs his hands on his jeans and blows out his breath ‘I met someone’ he says, I’m speechless on what to say part of me is afraid but the other part is happy to see him moving on and starting to live again.

‘That’s great’ I manage to get out ‘its…it’s not serious but we get along really well and she knows about Maria. She’s willing to take whatever I can give…do you…do you think Maria would understand’ he asks.

I lean forward and take his hand ‘ I think Maria would want you to move on and find happiness again, I know she would understand and I’m sure she is smiling down on you right now’. He nods his head and quickly wipes his eye ‘thank you’ he says, giving his hand a squeeze ‘can I ask what her name is’.

‘Michelle’ he says ‘I’m not really ready to bring her around everyone else yet…but I would really like for you to meet her’. I smile ‘I would really like that’ I say, he smiles and gets up ‘ I should get back to work’. ‘Okay…I’m just going to take a walk around’.

I make my way towards the swinging doors stopping when I hear him call my name, turning to look at him ‘thank you’ he says, smiling I tell him your welcome and leave the café.

I walk for a while just looking and soaking in the memories I have of this town, I stop and buy some flowers before going to the cemetery. Once there I sit and tell Maria everything that has been going on before I get up and make my way to the park.

Its dark now not even realizing that time flew by, staring up at the sky I let out a sigh and just sit there in the gentle breeze.

‘Liz’ I hear his familiar voice even before I see him, turning my head my breath hitches as I stare into his golden eyes. I almost forgot how beautiful his eyes are, the way they seem to just suck you in and never let go.

‘Hi’ I force my vocal chords to work while feeling the butterflies start to form, ‘when…when did you get back’ he asks me as he continues to just soak in every inch of me ‘this morning’ I answer pushing a loose strand behind my ear.

‘That’s good’ he says and stands there nervously, we continue to stare at each other for a few minutes before I push over and ask him if would like to sit. He nods and smiles at me taking a seat next to me ‘I knew you were coming home today…I just…I wanted to let you get settled before-

‘I understand’ I say cutting him off placing a hand on his arm, he stares down at it and I wonder if he can feel them trembling underneath. ‘You look really good’ he says bringing his gaze back up to my eyes ‘thank you…so do you’ I say sliding my hand away.

We both sit in silence for a while before turning to each other ‘so-‘ we both say at the same time, he breaks out into a laugh ‘you first’. I laugh and nod my head ‘why is this so weird for us…I mean we’ve known each other our whole lives’.

He leans his elbows on his knees ‘I wouldn’t say weird…. More like nervous, there are so many things I want to say to you, but I don’t even know where to begin’.

‘How about we start with how have you been’ I say, he smiles and nods his head. I feel my heart jump when he slides his fingers into mine ‘so Liz how have you been’ he says smiling. I laugh as I relax next to him ‘oh you know’.

He squeezes my hand ‘seriously thou I’m really glad your home’ he says looking into my eyes, ‘so am I’ I say staring back into his.

(Jumping time a little)

Chapter 29

I sit between my father and the Evans staring at the sea of maroon caps and gowns with my head held high.

Its graduation and even thou I am not walking with the rest of my class I don’t feel ashamed. I’ll get my chance, it won’t be till after the summer and I make up all my credits, I will get my diploma just like my friends are doing today.

I know I should feel sad but I’m not, I messed up my life, I had a problem but I’m getting better…I am better and it will only get better as the days go by.

I’m a recovering alcoholic, its something that I will have to live with everyday of my life. It will be a constant battle, it will be one I take day by day and with the people who love me and believe in me.

I look up to see a golden sea smiling back at me, causing me blush. I love this boy more than I ever thought was possible. There is no doubt in my mind or in my heart that he feels the same way.

Instead of trotting off to college like he should, he is staying in Roswell until I receive my diploma and we go off to college together. I told him he didn’t have to wait for me, he shouldn’t wait for me, but his reply was I’ve waited this long for you I can wait as long as I need to.

I don’t think I ever cried harder than I did there, his love for me amazes and stuns me and I thank God every day that he is my life because I know I would not be where I am today if he wasn’t.

It’s funny how I am thanking God now when before all I was doing was cursing at him for putting me through the things he did, I was so angry at him and it took me a long time to learn that the person I should be angry with was me.

But it’s in the past now and I have no doubt that if he throws anything else at me, I will come thru it with flying colors… I have the strength and the courage to face my problems head on now.

I stand up and clap loudly as they call out the names of my friends and I hoot and holler when Michael walks across the stage, I can’t begin to tell you how proud I am of him, he stuck around and made it when I know people doubted him. He proved them all wrong and I know Maria is proud and smiling down at him right now.

After the ceremony there is going to be a party at the Crash down for the graduating class and I have to say I am really excited, Michael doesn’t know it yet but my father and I have a surprise for him, one that will probably change his life.

*******


While everyone is mingling and enjoying the evening, I look over at my father and give him a knowingly look. He walks towards me as I look to see where Michael is, he’s sitting with Michelle and he’s smiling.

I feel torn in a way because while I’m happy that he has moved on and finally found someone he could connect with, a part of me feels guilty because I wonder if he’s forgetting about Maria.

I think a lot of that has to do with my own guilt, because I really like Michelle and thou we aren’t close friends…we are friends, we laugh and joke around and a part of me feels like I’m betraying Maria for liking her so much, and I know I shouldn’t because this is what she would have wanted.

Michael has told me numerous times that he will never forget Maria and Michelle understands that Maria will always hold a place in his heart that no one will ever be able to touch. A lot of time I find myself wanting to slap myself for even thinking that he could ever forget her.

‘You ready pumpkin’ my dad asks as he puts an arm around my shoulder, I nod ‘do you think we would do it here or in private…you know how he gets’.

When my father first came to me and told me what he did I couldn’t believe it and in that moment I don’t think I could have admired him more. ‘He’ll just have to get over it, because I want everyone to know what he means to us’ he says breaking me out of my thoughts.

He’s right, Michael has become part of my family and I know some people would find it strange that we feel this way… but I don’t care what they think, they could never understand the things he’s done for us.

‘Okay lets do it’ I say smiling and leading him over towards Michael, ‘Hey guys congratulations’ I say stopping in front of them ‘thanks Liz…I’m sorry you couldn’t be up there with us’ Michelle says sincerely.

I smile ‘its okay I’ll get mine soon’ ‘that’s right’ my dad says smiling at me. Michelle doesn’t know the whole story behind me not walking with the rest and she doesn’t ask that’s one of the things I like about her.

She takes what she gets and makes the best out of it and doesn’t push, she just offers a shoulder and an ear to talk too when you want one. ‘Can I have everyone’s attention please’ my father shouts causing everyone to become quiet.

Max walks up behind me snaking an arm around my waist and I lean back into him as my father begins.

‘Well first off I just wanted to congratulate all you kids for graduating and I’m proud of each and every one of you, I’ve known all of you since you were little, watching you grow up in the café and I like to think we all have become family’.

He turns and looks directly at Michael and I see him getting a surprised look on his face wondering what’s going on. ‘What some of you probably don’t know is that one has become much more to me…Michael I want you to know that I have come to think and love you like a son, and what you have done for me and Liz I don’t know if we will ever be able to repay the help and support you have given us.

You wanted to leave Roswell but you stayed when I needed you the most and continued to be there even after my recovery, I want you to know that you will always have a home here with me and Liz’.

I see Michael trying hard to contain his emotions as he tries to take in everything my father is telling him, Max holds me tighter as I do the opposite the tears are flowing but they are tears of happiness instead of sadness.

My father pulls out an envelope and hands it to Michael, everyone watches as he opens it and sees what’s inside, and his face goes into shock as he tries to forms words as everyone eagerly waits to see what it is.

“Liz and I wanted to give you something back, so that check there is for your college tuition and stuff you will need to get started, and I also plan on paying for the rest of your education until you graduate’.

Michael sits there stunned and before he can reject the offer I step up ‘Michael let us do this for you, it’s the least we can do’. ‘But-‘ he starts, I don’t let him finish ‘But nothing you deserve to go to college just like everyone else and we wont take it back, this is our way of showing you how much you mean to us’.

I’m taken back as he launches off the stool and grabs me in a fierce hug, ‘thank you’ he muffles under a broken cry, I hug him tighter ‘no…thank you’ I whisper.

He sniffs and tries to wipe away the tears hurriedly so he doesn’t get embarrassed for crying in front of everyone. ‘Thank you, I don’t know what to say’ he tells my father ‘there’s nothing to say’ my dad says as he gives him a hug, I smile bigger when I see Michael hugging him tighter not caring that everyone is watching as he displays so much emotion.

‘Hey beautiful’ Max whispers as he comes back up to me, ‘hey’ I smile as he wraps his arms around me ‘that was a great thing you two did’ he says. ‘It was’ I agree ‘by the way congratulations Mr. Graduate’ I say nuzzling his ear ‘hmm…thanks I’m just sorry you weren’t one of us’.

I pull back and look in his eyes ‘don’t be its my own fault, but I’ll get mine soon enough’ he pecks my nose ‘I know’ I lean up and kiss his lips letting mine linger there for a few minutes just soaking him in ‘do you think your parents would let you get a way for a little while tonight’.

He glances over at his parent who are laughing at something Alex has said, then back to me ‘I’m sure they would, why’ “ I just want to spend some time alone with you tonight’.

He smiles his boyish smile ‘I think I can arrange that’ he says before leaning down to capture my lips.

Part 30

I think nights are my favorite time, the way the stars shine so brightly and there is something in the air, I don’t know what it is but sometimes it’s an strange eerie feeling while at other times it calms you with its quietness.

After packing some leftovers from the party, Max and I drove out to the desert. That’s what we are doing right now just sitting here staring up the stars and enjoying being in each other’s presence.

It’s taken us a while to get back to his place where we are comfortable being with each other. He sighs deeply and tightens his hold on me; I close my eyes and let his warmth just seep through me.

I know the love we have for each other is everlasting, and there is no doubt in my mind, this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. It’s funny how people tell you all the time that you’re young, you should explore your options out there and not jump into something so fast.

I wonder if they realize that when you find ‘the one’ you know your supposed to be with, nothing else matters you should hold onto it with everything you have. After everything I feel God put me through I realize that I’m one of the lucky ones.

Most people spend a lifetime searching for their other half never finding it; I managed to find it the first time I looked how many people can say that?

Max looks down at me smiling shyly catching me looking up at him ‘what’ he asks, I smile and reach up brushing his bangs back ‘just realizing how lucky I am to have you in my life’.

‘I think I’m the lucky one’ he says leaning down softly pressing his lips to mine, I wrap an arm around his neck as the kiss deepens, I start pulling him down until we are laying side by side on the blanket.

Max breaks off the kiss and looks at me questionably ‘Liz’ he breathes out ‘shh’ I tell him placing a finger on his lips ‘I want this…I want you’ I say as I lean up to take his lips again.

He breaks off again this time his lips trailing down my neck and back up to my ear ‘are you sure’ he whispers as his fingers inch under the hem of my shirt. ‘I’m sure’ I tell him as I take his hand and guide it further up giving him the access he wants.

His lips find their way back to mine as his hand inches up to cup me over my bra. I instantly arch into him feeling a new and exciting wave of desire wash over me. His thumb rubs over my nipple making it harder than before and I moan urging him to go further.

He pulls away getting to his knees taking my hand to pull me up along with him, never taking his eyes from me he slowly takes my shirt off. His finger dance lightly over my lips trailing them down my neck and across my collar bone until he reaches the slopes of my breast. I reach up and unclasp my bra letting it slide off my shoulders.

He sucks in a breath as he cups me again causing goosebumps to from on my skin and his softly massages me. I reach out to the hem of his shirt pulling off and mimicking his moves, I feel his muscles jump underneath as I skate my fingers down to his abdomen.

He leans in again his lips attacking mine more viciously as I unsnap his jeans, its then I notice that he’s trembling. I pull back reaching up and taking his hands ‘Max’ I whisper kissing his fingertips ‘we don’t have to do anything’ he shakes his head ‘I want this’ ‘your trembling’.

‘I’m just nervous, I know…I know this isn’t our first time but it feels like it…I wanted things to be special’. “It will be and it kinda of is the first time…were different people now Max’. ‘I love you’ he says resting his forehead against mine.

‘I love you’ I whisper bringing my lips to meet his, his mouth opens as my tongue slides in, his hand tangles in my hair at the back of neck lowering me back down to the ground. The remainder of our clothes is shed and we lay there touching and exploring each other’s bodies, something that never happened the first time.

As our bodies become one again I stare up into his eyes seeing every once of love and desire he has for me, I can’t help the tear that escapes. He stills and used the pad of his thumb to wipe it away ‘are you okay’ he asks worriedly.

I nod my head ‘happy tears…I’m extremely happy, I didn’t think I would ever feel this way again’. He brushes a kiss against my eyelash ‘I’ll spend forever and beyond making sure you are happy’ he takes my lips again as his body proceeds to take mine to heaven and beyond.

In the afterglow I lay there trembling from the force of the pleasure he brought to my body ‘your trembling now’ he whispers as he pulls me closer to him. “It’s not the bad kind’ I smile up at him ‘its just wow…I never knew I could feel like that’.

He smiles and nuzzles my nose ‘I know what you mean’ I close my eyes and tuck my head underneath his chin, just soaking in everything and I can’t help but wonder as I look up at him “Max’ I ask ‘hmm’ he says as he opens his eyes.

‘Are you sure about everything…about putting off college and waiting for me to finish school, ‘where is this coming from’ he asks.

“I mean I know for me that you are it…I am never going to love another. But were both young and I guess I am just wondering if later on you might regret not getting out there and experiencing life’ I bite nervously on my bottom lip as I look to see his reaction.

He leans up on his elbow and looks down at me “I’m sure because the minute I laid eyes on you when I was five years old I knew you were the one…I’m sure because when I look into the future all I see is you by my side. I will never love anyone else because there is no room in my heart for anyone else; you fill it to the fullest and more.

I’m going to marry you Liz Parker and grow old with you and not for one second will I ever regret being with you’.

I can’t help the tears as they fall down my cheeks ‘I love you’ I whisper out.

He takes his hand and cups my cheeks wiping my tears away for the second time tonight ‘I love you…stop worrying and just live Liz, you deserve to be happy and you deserve to have your happily ever after’.

Looking into his eyes I let his words soak in and I believe him. I am going to have my fairy tale ending and I am going to live happily ever after and in the end maybe I will write a book to be shelved with the rest of the great writers out there.

The End.