Majik's Funnies - a place to tickle your funny bone

[majiklmoon]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking
about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."


She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Bitch...

[Island Breeze]

LOL Good one, Tracie! Hehe!

[majiklmoon]

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand."

Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship."
Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf
is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
Robin Williams


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know
what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams


"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers



"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money
can buy."

Steve Martin



" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay
good money for in later life."
Emo Phillips


" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde


" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

[Island Breeze]

[KaraGail]

Driver's Test Question


You are driving in a car at a constant speed.


On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.


In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level.


Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.


What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Answer below

V

V

-V-

-V-

-V-

-V-

-V-

-V-

-V-

-V-

-V-

-V-


Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

:

[Island Breeze]

Cute!

[KaraGail]

"The Urinal Is Too High"

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill
Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh ."

[KaraGail]

A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons
for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a
businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It's evident
that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the
shoulder of his suit. Two floors later the man gets off, and the two
women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, Someone should
give that guy some Head & Shoulders. The blonde then responds, How do
you give shoulders?


: :

[Island Breeze]

[majiklmoon]

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear and be misread.

1. At Who Represents, you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is http://www.cummingfirst.com/

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/

[Island Breeze]

That is hilarious! It's kind of like when Jay Leno does the wedding names thing where people getting married have names that when they appear together in print in the paper give an unexpected message.

I love it!

[Ti88]

ok my mom and i were in city (ny) by the 365/24hr post office on 34th btw 7th and 8th ave. as we went to cross the street she told me to watch out, cuase i am totally scared of waterbugs (in case there is anyone who doesn't know what they are...they are really really really big roaches whose wings are as big as their body and allow them the ability to glide {fly if you aks me} ) mind you i screamed...f course i'm in the street so not good - but here's the funny part - joe (- i call them all a name...and joe hasn't been used lately)
was attempting to make it across the big ave btw i think its 6th and 7th (for all you city folk...pen station/msg is on one side and jacks/manhattan mall is on the other) - its like six lanes going both ways. he crawled a bit out into the street, then the light changed so he crawled back towards the curb...then he waitied a bit and attempted to cross again. all the while working his way up and across the street...weaving and bobbing around the cars. i've seen cats, dogs, people, squirrles, birds, and i think even a rat or 2. but i have never seen a bug do it. we watched him for like 5 min. i swear them suckas are trying to take over the world.

[KaraGail]

3 Male Dogs

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .





"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[KaraGail]

Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he thought there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons?"

The blonde said "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a bath." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it in my eyes."

:

[KaraGail]

Going to the Dentist

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't." she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought, but five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working

[majiklmoon]

Roselle, that was funny.

Kara - thanks fro the funnies

[KaraGail]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember
the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the
back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again
and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but
good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening
to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex
against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he
follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their
way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his
trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
watching policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting
on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something
about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly
amazing. He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that
was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
fence."

[KaraGail]

Chinese Sick Day

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."

[KaraGail]

Subject: Quickie !!

Charlie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.

One day Charlie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at
him, then said, "NO."

Charlie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend, so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He
won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the
proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all
quarters!"

[Island Breeze]