Majik's Funnies - a place to tickle your funny bone

[Island Breeze]

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE



Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be
absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the
paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."


The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca -last name deleted, and Jim - last name deleted.

--------------------------------------------------------------

STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The

chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

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(second paragraph by Jim)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

---------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My

writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at

writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have

chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F%$# ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm

such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

A** hole.

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(Jim)

Bitch.

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(Rebecca)

Wanker.

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(Jim)

slut.

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(Rebecca)

Get screwed .

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(Jim)

Eat sh%$ .

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(Rebecca)

SCREW YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

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(Jim)

Go drink some tea - whore.

**********************************************

(teacher)

A+ - I really liked this one.




.../)/).....( \/ ).....(\(\
..(':' ).....( ':' ).....( ':')
("('')_)o('')_(") o(_(")")

[KaraGail]

Falling Asleep In Church

A man approached the minister at his church..."Reverend," he said, "We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"

"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her good poke in the leg with the hat pin.

In church the following Sunday, Mrs.. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said nodding to Mr Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin. "Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.

Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband.Soon, Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"My God!", howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.

"Right again!", bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard threatening glare.

Before long, though, she again nodded off. This time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hat pin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"

"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation

[KaraGail]

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed.

Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

[majiklmoon]

heee heeeheeeeheee heee

[KaraGail]

The Skinny Dippers & The Old man


An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the
pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he
saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast.

[KaraGail]

Sharing a Meal

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked
admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the
tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully
counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Maam, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth".

:

[Itzstacie]

A trip to the ATM (funny)


A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing
new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash
without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[Itzstacie]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."


The wife says nothing,

Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."



Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..




Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.




85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"




The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"




The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"




Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."



Moral of the Story :

Women are crazy!!!!


Don't mess with them!!

[KaraGail]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, " Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."


******

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way thru the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-mart .. Nice
children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."



:

[Itzstacie]

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, a sk If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggled Diamonds".


7. Don't use any punctuation.

8. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

9. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

10. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

11. Sing Along At The Opera.

12. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

13. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

14. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

15. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

19. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ....

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called ... therapy.

[Ann]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, " Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

LOL! I like that. I imagine he would be very embarassed.

[majiklmoon]

Tinkle


A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'