Not On My Own

[ellery]

I try to add to this whenever I can...or rather, when I'm not working, doing homework or attending college.

Chapter One--Prologue:

As much I don't remember my own father dying, my mom reminisced as she lay there in her hospital bed hours before her death. I sat next to her, stroking her hand as she smiled weakly.

"You were there. I brought you there to say goodbye because the doctor's told me that there wasn't much time left. He kissed you gently on the cheek as I held you up. You didn't quite understand until after we had left the hospital."

She gave a raspy breath. I understood that she did not have much time left. I looked at her and then the clock and my stomach fluttered as her breathing decreased by the minute.

I had been holding tightly to her hand since I had been allowed to see her. And since her emergency visit, no doctor or nurse had come to check vitals. They already knew that there wasn't much time left for my mother, and knowing her she had already told them not to bother coming in.

We were alone, and that's what she wanted. If that had been her last dying wish, she had received it. Not to mention that as her daughter I would respect that wish until her last breath overtook her.

For years we had been the family that we both had left. I had heard over and over again throughout life that mom had a sister, but they had a bitter battle years back and mom hadn't heard or talked to her since then.

Of course I was two weeks shy of my eighteenth birthday, which means that I could live on my own. I had a job, and I would be graduating high school soon. I knew that as much as I wanted my mother there to see me take that diploma, I would just have to remember that she would be watching over me instead.

Barely noticing, she looked over at me with a passionate look, one that told me that she knew what I was thinking.

"You're worried." Softly she had said those two words that were crushing me inside. The words that I didn't want her to know.

"Worried. Of course I'm worried." I almost broke the grasp of our hands, which I had promised that I wouldn't. Not until the very last... I shook my head to rid the image that was filling my mind. I lowered my voice. "How could I not be worried?" This time I did nothing to hide the fear with every minute that passed.

"You need to look inside you." Her hand raised slowly and pointed towards my chest. "And find room to let other people in. You cannot do this alone..."

I slowly looked to where she was pointing, and more specifically she was pointing to my heart. And yet still I was numb knowing that I wasn't able to stop time. That I couldn't capture this moment so that it would stay with me forever. So that she would stay with me forever.

I pressed my lips together to hold back a cry as her eyelashes fluttered back and forth as she struggled for another breath. "I love you...you always remember that, no matter what. Promise me." She rasped.

Her eyes gazed convincingly at me and I took in a deep breath and squeezed her hand one last time. "I promise." With those words her eyes finally closed and a single lone tear fell down my cheek. I stroked her hair lovingly with my hand and placed a kiss on her still warm cheek.

Despite feeling her take a last struggling breath, I watched her body relax and I could feel the hot tears now pouring down my cheeks. Her fingers that had been grasping mine for hours, had loosened. My cries echoed the walls of the room as I immediately buried my face into her hair and I curled up beside her on the bed.

Suddenly It seemed like I had been crying for hours when I finally fell into a fitless sleep. But when I had, I had a dream that made me realize how peaceful she looked as she reunited with the love of her life. My dad offered her his hand, and together they had their first dance in heaven. And it was then that I realized what she had meant.

[ellery]

Chapter One--Part One: Finding New Beginnings

It had been two weeks since I had buried my mother, next to my father who had died earlier in my life. I spent a small fortune of a beautiful wooden casket and a small bundle of flowers to decorate the room where her funeral had taken place. My mother's friends had provided the food afterwards. The turnout had been beautiful . A lot of the town had come to give their regards and pay respect for a wonderful person, and I couldn't have pictured a better send off for my best friend.

I knew that the best part of this was that my parent's were together now. But I couldn't quiet the empty feeling that was rising within me when I walked into the house my parents had started raising me in; the place where I had been born.

So as much as I felt more than ever that they should be in this house with me, I knew that somewhere up there, they were looking over me. I didn't need a house to be happy. I could sell the house, despite all the memories that it held within, because I knew that I would always have my parents with me, no matter where I went.

But for now I couldn't. It was just too soon to try to move on.

I had a friend who had helped me choose a fitting outfit for my mother's burial. Without my friend Lacie, I wouldn't have had the courage to walk into the room next to mine that I had been avoiding for what seemed like ages.

I couldn't grasp that the bed my mother had once laid down in was now empty. That the handles of the closet door that had been so gently opened by my friend, held great memories that I would just have to try to hold on to as best as I could.

[ellery]

Chapter One--Part Two: Finding New Beginnings

Now as I lay in bed, I don't hurry to wake. Instead I listen to the morning sounds that surround me. The birds singing in the trees; especially the ones that love to build their nests in the trees in the front of the house. The backing up of a truck. "Must be the new neighbors moving in." I remembered faintly after I had come back from attending my mother's funeral was the day I had noticed the new sign in front of the house next door--sold.

After both Bernie's daughter and husband had died, the pain had proved to be too much for the middle aged woman who finally decided on selling the family home. I really loved her and her family. I was torn after hearing that they had been hit by a drunk driver on the way home from a their daughter's recital. Poor Bernie was the only survivor.

She had to go through the trial of the man that had hit them, the burial of her daughter and husband and live with the everlasting pain of losing her family. So of course we all understood about Bernie's decision when she had finally put up her house up for sale.

A few weeks afterwards, and after packing in the last box into her car, Bernie had pulled me aside to give me a framed picture of the two of us that she found underneath her daughter's bed. She strongly believed that I needed it more than she did.

With that she had firmly placed the picture in my hand, put her hand on my shoulder and pulled me into one final hug before letting me go.

When she had gotten into her car, I waved in plan sight so she could see me through her rear-view mirror. She had waved her hand out the window in response, and then she was gone. I haven't seen her since that day, but I wonder what she would think about the neighbors who were in the process of "moving in".

Scrubbing my hands over my face, I found that it was about time to greet the day. I sat up in bed, let my hands stretch above my head to get rid of any sleepiness that was still there, before throwing back the covers and letting my toes touch the cool wooden floor.

[ellery]

Chapter One--Part Three: Finding New Beginnings

The warm sunshine had already began to peer through my closed curtains as I reached for my bunned up hair and pulled gently down to release it. My long brown hair fell gently past my shoulders and mid back. I had been growing it out as long as I could remember.

Now at eighteen I continued on with the tradition. I grabbed my brush off the dresser and gave it a few brushings until I could run my long fingers through, and then quickly decided to throw it back into a ponytail.

I had to work today, in ten minutes exactly. According to the small white alarm clock on my dresser, it told me that I had spent way too long daydreaming, or sleeping. Whichever came first I realized that I had also forgotten to set my alarm last night.

Frankly being too exhausted, I had dropped into bed after dragging myself up the stairs. From one work to the next, I could only savor sleep as my only hope of sanity. And today was my morning to open for the market, which meant that I would have to push back the lack of sleep because I couldn't consider myself being late.

With that I quickly dressed, pulling on my tan slacks and green shirt in a hurry, and about rushed through the door and down the stairs without pulling my apron marked Aaron's Market into hand. Backtracking, I quickly went back to the wooden chest at the foot of my bed and pulled at the apron that I had draped ever so haphazardly before falling into bed last night, and threw it over my arm.

However much of a hurry I was in, I couldn't help but look at the clock and released a groan as I rushed out of the room and down the stairs, almost falling down in the process. I had exactly eight minutes to get to the store before opening.

My hand was on the front door handle before remembering that I needed keys. Both to lock the security of my house, and to open the store. "That would be good." I chastised myself, launching forward to grab my purse and launch the strap around my shoulder.

Lifting up my watchless wrist, I rolled my eyes. "I really need to get another watch" Reminding myself that my last watch had been crushed after one of the employees at the store had left a box in the middle of the floor without thinking, just at the moment that I was carrying a box of apples to restock. Luckily my watch had saved my fall.

Sighing, I put that on my list of things to do when I had the time. Digging out my keys I threw open the front door and locked up, being more careful to make my way down the front steps and down the driveway with caution.

From there I got the first glimpse of the moving truck that harbored all of my neighbor's belongings, as well as a hustle and bustle of items that disappeared into the house. And then it was there that I saw him. My neighbor, I was sure of it. A man that looked maybe in his mid twenties with amazing chocolate brown hair, quite tall, and had some spectacular good features.

It wasn't until I had almost crashed into the side of my car, that I refocused and realized that in five minutes I was suppose to firmly plant myself at work, no matter the circumstances.

[majiklmoon]

nice start - I look forward to reading more - when real life isn't getting in your way of course....sadly real life must come first

[ellery]

Thanks! :D Yes, unfortunately real life does have to come first --sighs--

[Island Breeze]

Nicely written! Very poignant! I know the feelings well.