Paint Me A Picture (AU,CC/,ADULT) DELETE PLEASE

[Itzstacie]

TITLE: PAINT ME A PICTURE
AUTHOR: Itzstacie
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own anything.
E-MAIL: Stacie32@cox.net
RATING: ADULT
SUMMERY: Liz centered, there is no aliens, I really dont want to give to much away

I wanted to give everyone fair warning before you start reading. Max and Tess will be together for most of this fic but I do promise it won’t be that way in the end for those that want to stick it out with me. I am giving dreamer insurance here.

THANK YOU LORASTAR FOR MAKING THE AWESOME BANNER



Prologue

“Liz take my hand’ he pleaded ‘please’

‘Just let me go’ she cried’ I don’t want to hurt anymore, just let me go’

‘NO” he cried out not caring that tears were streaming from his face ‘don’t you give up Elizabeth Anne Parker…you hear me don’t you give up…now take my hand’.

I Bet your wondering what led up to this point aren’t you, your wondering what happened that brought me to this point dangling from a cliff.

I guess I should go back to the beginning to where it all started, I can say it started a couple of months ago, but I suppose it was really a year ago.

It was the moment I realized I was in love with my best friend.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, that one still that holds a thousand different emotions captured for the whole world to see.

If you were too look at my pictures, well sketches actually. I wonder if you could see the story behind them, would you be able to see that the girl that drew them was so lost that she didn’t care to exist anymore.

I started sketching around the time my life started falling apart, I don’t know why I guess it was an escape for me. I just picked up a pencil one day and never put it back down.

I got more into it around the time I started drifting away from my friends or maybe they started drifting away from me, I’m not really sure anymore.

My sketches have become my life, each stroke of the pencil, each shade; tint has become my way to express myself.

I have never shown anyone, I don’t want anyone to see the broken hollow shell I’ve become.

I’ve allowed myself to become numb, dead inside because the hurt is just much to bear, I’d rather let myself be this way then have to face everyday feeling the tightening in my chest.

Because if I allow myself to feel, I’ll get angry…I’ll cry and I don’t want them to see me cry. I’ve cried all I can and crying is a sign of weakness, I won’t let them see I’m weak.

I bet you’re wondering if I will take that hand that will bring me back to the world of chaos, I bet you’re wondering if I’ll just close my eyes and let myself fall.

You’re going to have to wait for that answer, you’re going to have to see the whole picture before we get to this point where I am dangling from a cliff and Max Evans is pleading with me to take his hand.

For now we are going back to the beginning.

Chapter 1

Pictures, its amazing what people take pictures of, that one special moment that they want to capture for a life time, that one moment of glory or triumph in their life.


If you were to walk into my apartment that’s what you would see, special moments captured whether it was me riding a bike for the first time, or winning an award in elementary school, a nice clean family portrait.


The perfect display of the perfect little family living a normal life, you would never know that those pictures were just a façade.


Behind those pictures my life is not normal; my family is not a perfect one.


My mother left when I was two, no word, no explanation, just left leaving me and dad to pick up the pieces and move on.


I don’t know if its wise to say I hate my mother for leaving or that I wonder if things would have turned out differently if she didn’t because for the longest time it was just me and my father and I can actually say those times were the happiest in my life.


I didn’t need a mother, I didn’t need someone who had that natural bond that they say comes with a mother and daughter relationship…my father was both and it was enough. I was the center of his attention, it was until I started junior high and he met a woman.


Nancy Smith, my father met her when she first moved to town, she came in one day to the Crash Down, The Crash Down is a restaurant my father owns, mostly high school kids hang out there with the exception of a few families that like to dine there.


Anyways back to the point, she came in one day and it seemed like she never left. I slowly started being pushed to the back burner while she made her way up front and into my father’s heart. Six months later they were married.


At first she seemed really nice, taking on the nurturing mother role, always wanting to bond, to do things just the two of us, but then things slowly started to change.


The subtle hints started, the putting down you need to gain some weight your to skinny, are you making yourself throw up or you need to find better friends, the ones you have are no good and they will only bring you down, you need to be popular, you need to be with the in crowd.


She lets me know everyday about something she’s disappointed in; she doesn’t like any of my friends with the exception of Max.


He’s actually managed to win her over and stay on her good side, and she makes it a point to tell me just how good he is and how wrong I am.


My personal favorite you’ll see in a minute because she likes to use it every other day, she’s currently pacing my room shaking her head as she picks up a pair of jeans off the floor.


Me I am currently sitting here in my private hell waiting for her to get it over with so I can go to work.


‘I swear why cant you pick up after yourself, we are not pigs Elizabeth, is it to much to ask to keep your room clean, I bet Max keeps his clean, why can’t you be more like him, he’s no nice and polite, not rude and messy like you’.


‘I would but I seem to be lacking certain body parts’ I say under my breath, but not low enough that she cant hear me.


‘Don’t you get flip with me Elizabeth your not to old I can still take you in that bathroom and wash your mouth out with soap’.


I know I shouldn’t egg her on ,she’ll only go crying to my father and he’ll take her side as usual ‘Liz honey’ he’ll say ‘please try and be nicer I love her, we all have to put an effort in and make this work’.


‘Yes maam…sorry’ I say standing up ‘can I go now I have to be downstairs’.


She turns and glares at me ‘yes and this is the last time I’m telling you keep your room clean or I will throw everything out and clean it for you’.


I just give the absent nod and leave I can her mumbling as I walk away I swear I don’t know why your father wont list to my advice, a boarding school would be so much better.


As I walk into the café I immediately search for my solitude, my friends my piece of mind.


They have always had this way of magically making my life easier, lately thou it seems that they don’t seem to fill the void that I feel deep inside. I keep praying thou, I keep searching for them in hopes that one day the magic will appear again.


Four of them sit in the usual booth, the other two works with me in the café. At one time we were a close group, we aren’t popular but we aren’t social outcast either.


Max Evans my best friend…we met when we were five, we were at school one day when Peter Stevens yanked one of my ribbons out of my hair and took of running.


Out of nowhere Max appeared and took off running after him, he tackled him to the ground and got my ribbon back. After that we were instant friends.


Along with him came Isabel Evans his sister, she’s tall and beautiful, a total opposite of what I look like. Every guy wants her but only one has managed to work his way into her heart.


Alex Whitman, we met him in the fifth grade. Isabel had forgotten her lunch one day and Alex walked up out of the blue and handed her his, she was a goner after that.


With Alex came Maria Deluca, a bubbly spitfire who he had known since they were three. She brought a new outlook to our group with her spunky clothes and her out of the world theories.


Beginning of seventh grade she got the hots for Michael Guerin the kid from the wrong side of the tracks. It took her a while but she never gave up and finally she broke down his walls and snagged him bringing him into our group.


Around that time Tess Harding showed up, the new girl with her pretty blue eyes and her blonde curly hair, one look from Max and he was next.


I have to admit in the beginning I liked her, she was really nice and she seemed to know what I was going thru. Her father had up and married someone new and moved them all to Roswell, New Mexico where we live.


Everyone was getting together and pairing up and at first I was fine with it…I didn’t need anyone to tie me down, to have to worry about another person, and no one has made me feel any different, they didn’t treat me any different because I didn’t have someone. They still included me in things.


Lately thou I have been having these strong emotional feelings that I cant seem to fight.


It’s almost chemical, undeniable and no matter how hard I try to push it away, the stronger it gets and comes back on me.


And the thing that scares me the most, its not that I am having these feelings. I mean I am sixteen it’s only natural that I starting looking to be with someone.


It’s the fact that they are directed at the one person I never thought it would be, the one person I never dreamed of having these feelings for…my best friend and nothing good can come from that.

[Itzstacie]

Part 2

Wednesday (eight months before the cliff)

I feel someone nudging me out of my slumber, my thoughts are jumbled as vaguely I hear ‘hurry up and copy I already did the lab’.

‘Huh’ I say blinking rapidly trying to focus, when my head finally clears I see that I am in Biology class and I don’t even remember falling asleep again, it seems for the last couple of days I have been doing that.

I see a paper shoved in front of me ‘we only have ten minutes left, you fell asleep again, I did the lab’ Max says pointing to the clock.

I look at him and I can see the concern set on his face, I know he’s worried about me ‘oh…sorry’ I say as I copy the notes to my paper ‘it’s okay’ he says low, I can see him out of the corner of my eye watching me.

He’s waiting to ask me about it, he wants to know if anything has happened, the bell rings signaling the end of class, I slide his paper back and get up ‘thanks Max’ I say as I take off dropping my paper on the teacher’s desk and running out before he can say anything.

I hurry and walk fast down the halls, I can hear him calling my name but I keep walking, I don’t want to face him right now, I don’t want to talk about it.

I feel someone grab my elbow, I know its him ‘hey wait up’ he says, I turn around and sigh as I keep my gaze on the floor ‘what’s up’ comes tumbling out of my mouth.

‘You fell asleep again’ he says concerned, I nod my head ‘I’m really sorry you got stuck doing the work again’ I say.

I take the chance and glance up at him, the instant I do I find myself lost, he’s standing there piercing me with his golden eyes likes he’s trying to see deep inside my soul, that he’ll see all the answers to his question hidden deep within me.

‘Its okay’ he pauses for a minute then shakes his head ‘no…no its not okay it’s the third time this week, what’s going on Liz’ he asks ‘did something happen at home’.

I continue to stare at him while my heart and head decide to battle it out, I want to tell him that I am confused that I have these feelings starting for him and I don’t know what to do about it, I want to tell him that I am trying not to have them that I lay awake night after night fighting with myself because its wrong.

‘No nothing more than usual’ I lie, ‘then why are you falling asleep in class all of a sudden’ he starts.

‘I…’ I cant finish because I can feel the start of tears forming on my eyelids, I try to look away before he can see them but its to late I see his mouth draw down into a frown and I feel his arms wrap around me ‘hey shh’ he soothes ‘it’ll be okay’.

I allow myself to feel the warmth of his body, I allow myself to pretend for a fraction of a second that everything is okay all the while my heart is screaming that its not okay, it will never be okay until I can rid myself of these torturing feelings.

‘Hey Max…Liz’ I hear Tess say coming up beside us, Max pulls back and releases me to greet his girlfriend ‘hey’ he says as he leans over and kisses her cheek.

Tess glances back and forth between the two of and stops on me ‘step mom again’ she asks I just nod. In that instant I hate myself because I know she is asking out of genuine concern.

My mind races with thoughts, why does she have to be so nice, her voice is soft and worried as she asks, its sweet and sick all at the same time because I know she cares and I wish she didn’t it would make hating her so much easier.

I feel the bile rise up as I watch them exchange a soft kiss on the lips, I can hear my heart pounding heavily in my chest as the walls close around me, I have to get out of here away from them.

‘Uh... I have to go, I just remembered I have do something real fast’ I lie as I turn around to run ‘I’ll see you outside’ I say as I start to walk off.

‘Liz’ I hear his soft voice calling me, I stop and close my eyes trying to ignore the sweet melody of his voice, I don’t turn back around, I cant if I do the tears will come again and I don’t want him to see my cry, I don’t want him to know that I am stupid and selfish because I want him to see me as something other than just his best friend.

‘We’re not done’ he says softly, ‘I have to go’ I say I again and this time I keep going ignoring his call to come back.

I turn the corner and break out into full fledge run, I don’t stop until I am hidden securely in the bathroom stall, I draw my knees up and wrap my arms around them letting my head fall I start to sob.

I sob because my heart is breaking, I sob because my grades are falling because I cant concentrate anymore, I sob because I realize I actually do miss my mother, I sob because I hate that my friends cant bring me solace anymore, but most of all I sob because I know I am destroying the best thing that ever happened to me, I am slowly destroying my friendship with my best friend and he doesn’t even know.

I finally cry myself dry as I put my shaking knees down and draw my body up, I carefully peek out of the stall to make sure no one is there, I stare at my reflection for the longest time, my eyes are red and puffy, my face is pale and my cheeks are starting to sink in from not eating.

I stare and try to find the girl I used to be, the girl that was happy, the girl who knew who she was, this person staring back at me I don’t know who she is, I stare trying to find some small piece that shows she’s still there, but all I see is a lost soul.

I make my way outside and I can see them all sitting there, I stand in the shadows and watch them sitting there laughing, joking around.

I let my gaze settle on Max, I study how he laughs at something Alex says, I memorize the way the golden specks of his eyes dance as he smiles. I start to walk towards them but falter my steps when I notice their conversation turn serious.

I notice how each of their smiling faces fade one by one, I make my feet move again towards them, I notice how Isabel spots me and their conversation stops, I know they were talking about me and suddenly I stop walking.

My feet automatically turns around and I can hear Maria ‘Liz where are you going’ she calls out after me ‘ I forgot something…be right back’ I lie for the third time that day.

I don’t come back.

I walk aimlessly around the halls just taking everything in; I stop and linger at the trophy case staring at the shelves lined with first place trophies. My feet push forward walking while my eye roam over the poster filled walls.

As I pass an open classroom my steps falter and I glance in, the room is filled with easels standing nicely in a circle. I notice the room is empty and I step inside walking around I let my fingertips slide over the brushes laying there, the paper sitting clean and ready to be used.

I don’t know why but I pick up a pad and I walk back out the classroom, I walk outside passed the students sitting there joking around, the students eating their lunch, I keep walking until I am hidden under the bleachers, I sit down leaning my back against the mats stacked there and place the pad on my knees.

I pick up the pencil and I stare at the pad in front of me, at first I think this is crazy I cant draw whatever posed me to do this. I start to let my mind drift back to when things were simpler, when my life was simpler.

I fail to notice my hand is moving, I fail to notice that the sketch is starting to take form with each stroke of the pencil, I think about my father, I think about my life before Nancy came into it, I think about my friends how they each had their paths set for them, they knew what they wanted to do.

I remember when I used to, I remember when I thought about nothing but becoming a scientist and getting out of Roswell, when I look down at the sketch I am amazed to find I am finished with it.

As I study it I wonder if anyone saw it would they know that the faceless girl staring back at herself in the mirror with the caption “Who Am I’ was really me.

[Itzstacie]

PART 3

‘You…me sleepover my house tonight, I’ll bring the junk food’ I turn my head not really caring that the sugar just overfilled spilling onto the counter ‘Maria, No I can’t’.

Its not that I don’t want to, I just know that I’ll be hit with twenty questions, and I really just don’t have the strength anymore ‘besides it’s a school night’ I tell her.

‘So…never stopped us before, besides we haven’t had a girls night in a long time’ she pleads “Maria I really don’t feel up to it, but you, Isabel and Tess have fun’ I say.

‘Its just going to me and you’ she says frowning; she puts out her bottom lip pouting a little. I turn back to the sugar ignoring her looks ‘I have to study’ I lie ‘and I don’t think my dad will go for it’.

I watch her eyes scan the Crash Down, I immediately close my eyes when I see her break into a smile ‘be right back’ she hollers making a beeline for my father. I open and watch out of the corner as she puts on her best Maria act and my dad shakes his head yes.

‘Great’ I mumble as she makes her way back to me with this shit eating grin on her face ‘it’s settled your dad said it was okay’ she turns and walks away ‘he so loves me’ she says and I cant help but smile.

Three hours laying we are both laying on her bed hanging our heads off the side staring at the wall in front of us, I turn to look at her and open my mouth to say something but the words are lodged in my throat, I turn back towards the window.

Out of the corner of my eye I see her do the same thing, great so much for a girls night we are both reduced to communicating to a white wall.

‘Maria…how do you know Michael is the one’ I blurt out, I know I shouldn’t go down this road with her, I shouldn’t attempt to start this conversation but my mouth over road my head and before I could take it back was out.

A part of me is jumping now that I have said it, maybe I can begin to understand what is happening inside of me, and maybe I can try and see if Max is really the one for me, if he is really worth the trouble of this heartache.

She turns her head and I can feel her studying me with her green eyes, she’s searching my face to see if she can detect anything.

She turns and looks back to the wall ‘I don’t know…I just do’ she says.

She’s quiet for a minute before continuing ‘I know that he seems like this real tough guy on the outside and most of the time he is…but then there are just little moments when he does something totally out of the ordinary…or when we are alone I get to see this whole other side of him that he hides from other people’ she says.

I have noticed what she is talking about, the little moments. Ever since I started sketching my eyes are more open to what is around me.

I have this one sketch of Michael and Maria, she doesn’t know it, but one day I sat there watching them, she had her head turned and Michael was looking at her, really looking at her, I could see how much he loved her.

I remember after I finished sketching the two of them, I just stared at it for the longest time wondering if I would ever have someone look at me that way.

‘Why do you ask’ she finally says bringing me back to my reality, I didn’t expect her to ask that I thought she would just answer me ‘oh.uh I was just wondering’ I say shrugging my shoulders. She sits up on the bed and turns towards me.

‘Ohm god’ she says ‘your in love aren’t you…who he is…do I know him’ she claps her hands ‘oh my god this is so great’ she yells.

I immediately sit up putting my hands on her ‘no Maria I’m not’ I lie, my mind realizes suddenly that is all I seem to do lately and I suddenly feel guilty, but I can’t tell her about Max.

I know her and her mouth would only bring more disaster than anything, she stares at me for a minute and I hold my breath hoping she wont see thru my façade.

‘Okay I believe you’ she says, I let out my breath my body instantly stiffens when she says ‘I want to know what’s wrong’.

My eyes automatically begin to look at anything but her, my heart is starting to pound loudly and my hearing seems to be disappearing as I try and focus on my breathing.

‘We all know something is going on Liz, don’t think we haven’t noticed how you are drifting…you don’t sit with us at lunch…. your failing classes’.

I close my eyes as fear and panic quickly over take me, how do you tell someone that you feel like your life is spiraling out of control, that you’re on a one-way collision course. My heart screams at me to talk to someone, anyone but my head overrules it telling me you cant.

‘Everyone is so worried about you, especially Max’.

My eyes snap open just hearing his name my chest tightens its hold on my heart a little more, I’m starting to feel like I cant breath.

‘You used to talk to us Liz…now your so closed off its like I don’t even know you anymore’ she says, I can her the desperate plea of her voice as she trails off and wipes her face.

I feel the bile rise up as I stare at her wanting so badly to open up to her, she keeps her eyes downcast at her bed I know she’s waiting for me to say something, anything that will give her the indication that I’m still me. The same girl that helped her tie Alex to tree one time and steal his clothes, the same girl that stayed holding her when her mother started drinking.

‘I’m sorry’ Maria’ I burst out, I feel the tears swelling up, I know have to try and hold onto my friends, they are all I have left, I have to force myself to get this out.

‘Talk to me’ she whispers ‘please’ her voice calls to me to let her help, I suddenly remember what I love so much about her, its in her nature to care, to help people.

I know I cant tell her about my feelings towards Max, but maybe I can tell her the rest, I scoot back on the bed bringing my knees close to my chest ‘I know I have been acting differently’ I start.

I see her waiting patiently for me to get this out, that’s another thing I love about her, her willingness to just listen and not give her opinion until the end.

Suddenly I feel anxious I have to move around, I get up and start pacing back and forth trying to think of the best way to say this, sighing I turn to her ‘its’ just…its just things at home you know’.

She nods her head and keeps quiet wanting me to go on ‘I mean nothing else has happened anymore than usual…I’m just…lately I just been thinking a lot about my mother…my real mother’.

I can see her frowning a little, I know she know what I’m talking about her father left when she was two.

I run a shaking hand thru my hair as I continue ‘at night I dream about her’ it’s not a total lie the nights my dreams are not tormented with Max they are of her ‘and…. and I don’t want to so don’t sleep’ I tell her.

Her eyes widen a bit but she just keeps quiet ‘I didn’t want to tell you guys…I mean all of our lives since you have known me you had to deal with Liz’s problems, Liz’s outbursts, its not fair to you guys’ I say as I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.

She gets up and comes towards me grabbing my hand she guides me back to the bed and forces me to lay down with my head in her lap.

‘That’s what friends do Liz, that’s what we are for to help each other, good or bad’ she says as plays with a strand of my hair.

‘I know…I just didn’t want you guys to worry about me, you shouldn’t have to’ she cuts me off ‘don’t…don’t even, did you honestly think we wouldn’t care if you suddenly withdrew from us, did you think it wouldn’t hurt us’.

I cringe at her last statement, deep down I knew it would but a part of me also told myself that they still had each other to cling to, that they didn’t need me to weigh them down.

‘I’m so sorry Maria’ I sob out, I tried to hold back as long as I could but the mixture of guilt and regret overwhelm me until I am forced to release this tidal wave.

She quickly pushes me up and hugs me ‘it’s okay Liz I understand’ she says, she pushes me back and looks at me in the eyes ‘just promise me you wont do it again, promise me you wont keep this bottled up anymore’.

I slowly nod my head yes feeling the knife twist just a little more knowing that for the first time in my life that I cant keep this promise



Part 4

Studying my sketches I notice that when I draw someone else they always have a face. They show the eyes, the nose, the mouth, the perfect capture of each person, but when I draw myself there is no face.

I cant seem to put a face on myself, maybe it’s the fear that if I do I will realize just how much my life has changed, because maybe if I put a face I will have to finally face up to what I am running from, I will have a name to what I am trying desperately to get away from, myself.

Hiding from the world is so much easier to do, forcing a smile is easier than having to talk and actually voice your fears.

These last two months since I told Maria or should say lied to her, have been slowly tearing me piece by piece, oh things were okay I guess, they played the supportive friend role offering me their shoulders, their ears but not one could offer me an answer.

I feel myself slipping away more and more and even more so since I started drinking, slowly piece by piece the girl Liz Parker was is disappearing with each sip.

I remember the first time I tried it, I remember how it burned going down, the warm liquid flowing thru my veins, my blood numbing everything it touched on its way down, and I welcomed it. I carved the warmth it brought my cold heart.

A part of me blames my friends for making me turn to alcohol, I know it’s not right to do that, I know that you can’t hold someone else accountable for your actions.

But I feel like if they wouldn’t have hurt me, if they wouldn’t have left me alone that weekend, I would have never went to that party, I would have never been attempted to drink. One sip and I was hooked and now it’s what I need, it’s what I crave for because it’s the only thing that brings me a piece of mind.

For the first time in my life my friends made me feel like an outsider, for the first time I was left out. I remember how those words stung when Maria told me they were going on a couple’s only weekend, her and Michael, Isabel and Alex, Max and Tess.

I bit the bottom of my lip so hard that I tasted blood, I bit because I refused to cry in front of them, I refused to let them see just how much they hurt me with those simple little words, instead I played it off telling them I was fine with it, for them to have a good time.

That weekend while they were off having the time of their lives, I was at home learning that my life just got thrown deeper into hell.

I was in my room my father was out of town, I can’t remember how it started because I have forced myself to forget, the only thing that is still planted in my mind is the cold hard stinging I felt across my face that night. Nancy hit me and I was so stunned I couldn’t do anything but run.

I ran until my legs gave out, until my lungs burned in my chest, I could hear the loud bass from the music pounding in my ears as I stayed on my hands and knees trying to catch my breath.

When I finally managed to pull myself up I noticed the party going on, the music was suddenly calling me, inviting me into the depths of the unknown.

I recognized it was people from school, I could hear the whispers as I walked deeper into the house, people not believing Liz Parker would come here, she was to good to do something like this, she never broke rules they would say.

Well I showed them, I drank and partied with the best of them and by the time Monday came around I was the hottest topic at school.

I remember the expression of disbelief and disappointment on Max’s face as we stood by the lockers as people walked by ‘great party huh Liz’ ‘make sure you come to the next one’

‘You actually went to one of their parties’ he asked, I could hear the hint of annoyance in his voice, I shrugged my shoulders and turned my direction to my locker getting books out so he wouldn’t have to see my face ‘had nothing better to do’ I said.

I hid because I didn’t want him to see I was blaming him, I was blaming all of them for abandoning me ‘did you drink’ he asked with his voice hard, ‘yes so what if I did its not going to kill me’ I say slamming my locker shut ‘and if you must know I will be going to the next party, and I will drinking at that one too’.

The minute I did I regretted what I said, I felt like mud that didn’t even deserve to be scraped off the bottom of a shoe, Maria was standing there and I could see the hurt in her eyes.

Maria’s mother is an alcoholic and there have been numerous times that I have watched her deal with her mother’s drunken state, many times coming home to find her mother passed out.

I will never forget the look on her face as she just turned and walked the other way, I stood frozen watching Max as he stared at me for a minute with disgust then turned from me and ran after Maria.

That was two weeks ago, we haven’t’ spoken since.

When my feet moved me that day, they moved me right out of the school doors and didn’t stop until I was away from everything and everything; these rocks have become my home. I sit on the peak high up at the top staring out over the desert.

Instead of forcing myself to deal with the issue of knowing better and apologizing to Maria, I drank again because it was easier to escape than to stand guilty in front of my peers.

The short talks in the hallway were replaced with longing; pity glances as they passed me in the halls, the lunch hour of joking replaced with the bleachers hidden out of sight.

On a couple of occasions Max did try and talk to me outside of school, but I just blew him off. I no longer wanted to hear my faults, I knew what they were and I didn’t need anyone else to tell me.

My life became a routine school…drinking…work…then I would drink myself into oblivion locked away in my closet, or high above the world sitting on that peak.

The absence of my friends have finally caught up with me, I realize how much I do miss them as I look around this party I realize how isolated I have become.

That’s why right now I am currently standing here swaying back and forth in front of his window, I want my friends back, I want to be normal again.

I close my eyes trying to hold up my balance and force the dizziness I feel behind my eyes as I wait for him to come.

He pulls back the curtain and I can’t help but stare and notice how beautiful he really is, the way his hair is all tousled, how the moonlight dances across his well toned chest.

‘Liz’ he calls to me confused ‘what are you doing here’ I watch as he leans back and looks back at me ‘at two in the morning’

‘Hi Maxx’ I say slurring his name ‘I need…I need to talk to you’ I say.

His brows crease and I can see him thinking about it, if he really wants to take that chance ‘are you drunk’ he asks studying me. I pinch my index finger and thumb close ‘just a little’ I tell him.

I see him frown as he steps back ‘come in before someone sees you’ he says moving out of the way. I put my hands on the ledge and climb in losing my balance I wind up falling on my butt breaking out into a giggling fit.

He quickly bends down ‘shh before you someone hears you’ he says ‘come one’ he places an arm under my arms and helps me up. I stumble a little and he holds onto me, I am so close I can smell his intoxicating scent and I feel myself getting drunker on it.

“Liz what are you doing here’ he asks as he helps me sit down on the edge of the bed ‘I have to tell you something’ I whisper, I bring my finger to my mouth ‘it’s a secret thou’ I giggle out.

He kneels down in front of me ‘what’ he asks, his eyes piercing me and I see myself getting lost into a sea of golden, he puts a hand up and pushes my hair back ‘I’m worried about you’ he tells me.

‘Max’ I start but he doesn’t let me finish ‘what happened to you, you pulled away from everyone and now your drinking all the time, I miss you’ he finally says the last part coming out that I barely hear him.

I put my hand on his mouth silencing him he just stares at me. He finally pulls my hand away and places it in my lap ‘do you think I’m pretty’ I blurt out asking.

I can tell he’s thrown off by my question as I watch his the expression on his face turn from worry to confusion he shakes his head ‘yes you know you are beautiful’ he tells me ‘I’m not’ I say denying what he said.

‘Why do you say that’ he asks, I start waving my hands ‘look at me Max, I’m plain, with my plain brown eyes, my plain brown hair, my plain clothes’ I lean in closer so close that I can feel his breath on my lips ‘I don’t even have boobs Max’.

He pulls back shocked at my outburst and I see his ears turning three shade of red ‘Liz’ he starts ‘ I mean look at me Max I am flat as a board’ I say, he turns his head mumbling ‘your not flat’ as he scratches his head.

He turns back towards me ‘what is this really about Liz’ he asks concerned ‘I’m in love’ I shout really fast. His eyes widen with surprise ‘with who’ he asks, I stare at him my head screaming you, but I cant tell him all my willpower has left , I can no longer look him in his eyes ‘it doesn’t matter who, he doesn’t see me…he’ll never see me’ I say.

He pushes a strand of hair back on my head and I feel myself slowly bringing my eyes back up to his ‘have you told him’ he asks.

I shake my head no ‘I can’t…its wont change anything anyways’ I can feel the tears bubbling up inside of me, suddenly I can feel my buzz slowly disappearing and I want to get out of there.

‘How do you know’ he says ‘I just do’ I start to get up but he pushes me back down, I suddenly feel like I’m suffocating and I look for an escape route out of there ‘then he’s not worth it, I know and any guy would be lucky to have you love them, must be stupid if he doesn’t realize it’ he says.

‘’He’s not stupid, he’s perfect, he’s handsome, smart…caring….he’s perfect’ I say again as I feel a tear escaped down my cheek. I feel him reach up and wipe his thumb across my cheek, I can’t help the drunken hiccup that escapes my mouth, the river suddenly starts and I’m helpless to stop it.

“Come on…lay down you can sleep it off here’ he says as he pulls my shoes off , he pushes me back till I’m laying down and pulls the covers up over me.

I can feel myself getting sleepy between the alcohol and my crying the fatigue is finally taking over, He kneels down and brushes my hair back on my forehead ‘don’t get upset about it, one day you’ll find someone who will notice all the great qualities about you and who will love you like you deserve to be’.

‘I already have’ I whisper out staring at him ‘I love him so much it hurts, but I can never tell him’ I hear him ask why as my eyelids close and I feel myself sinking into sleep.

I can’t see his expression of if he even heard me as my last mumbling thoughts seep out past my lips ‘he’s my best friend’ as sleep finally wins.

[Itzstacie]

Part 5

The morning sunlight shines thru the window blinding causing me to squeeze my eyes shut harder, my head is throbbing, my body is stiff, and I clearly understand the meaning behind feeling like a Mac truck ran over me.

I hear a rustling sound close by and my eyes pop open against the protest of my pounding head, I realize suddenly that this bed is to soft to be mine, and the walls are not the color of mine.

Scanning the room slowly I notice the bookshelf lined with books and immediately I know I am in Max’s room, how the hell I got here is beyond me, the last thing I remember is showing up at Stephen’s party.

I sit up slowly bringing my hand to my pulsating head hoping to ease some of the tension there ‘headache’ I hear his voce say, I look over and see Max standing there rolling up his sleeping bag.

I nod my head ‘how… how did I get here’ I ask, my brain it total mush right now and it hurts to much to try and figure it out, he looks at me for a moment then shakes his head disappointed ‘you don’t remember’ ‘if I did I wouldn’t have asked’ I bit out.

He looks shocked for a moment at my tone, he turns and sighs ‘you showed up here last night’ he turns and looks at me ‘or I should say you showed up at two this morning drunk off your ass’ he says making it a point to let me know he is not happy.

‘Oh’ is all I can say, I push the cover aside and slowly bring my legs over to the side of the bed, I still for a moment trying to get the room to stop spinning ‘um…did I…did I do or say anything’ I ask in fear.

He ignores my question and I watch out of the corner of my eye as he walks over and puts his sleeping bag away, he turns and leans back against his desk crossing his arms over his chest ‘why do you have something to hide’ he states.

Regret and fear instantly claw its way up making the room slowly close in around me, I quickly look at anything but him ‘no’ I lie ‘I just want to know if said anything’ I ask. He raised his eyebrow ‘for someone who doesn’t have something to hide, sure is making a big deal out of wanting to know’ he says.

“I don’t have anything to hide’ I snap, getting up ‘if you don’t want to tell me then fine, I feel like shit and I’m to tired to fight with you’ he releases his arms and stalks over to me ‘sit down’ he orders.

My eyes widen at the authority of his voice, Max has never spoken to me that way and honestly it scared the shit out of me ‘I can’t…I….I have to get home, before my parents notice I’m gone’ I lie.

He shakes his head and pushes me back down on the bed ‘I already called your dad and told him you were here, I told him you came over to watch a movie and feel asleep, so try something else’ he says.

I close my eyes and look away ‘what do you want from me Max’ I sigh, he kneels down to my level ‘I want to know why you are killing yourself’ he says.

I shake my head in denial ‘I am not killing myself’ ‘Then why are you drinking…is it because of this guy’ he ask, my eyes widen as I feel my heart picking up speed ‘guy’ I squeak out mortified as I desperately try to remember what I said last night.

He stands up and starts fiddling with things in his room, his back is turned and I can’t see his face ‘last night you told me you were in love with someone, but he didn’t seem to notice’ he stops and turns back to face me ‘who is it’ he asks.

I clasp my hand tightly and shove them underneath my legs when they won’t stop shaking ‘no one…no one you know’ I lie.

‘Does he go to school with us’ he probes “No’ I quickly shout out another lie ‘where does he go’ I shake my head ‘nowhere….look he doesn’t have anything to do with this’ I lie again.

‘Then why all the drinking’ he says ‘because’ I snap, I quickly close my mouth forcing away what I was going to say ‘look just drop it okay, I’m fine, its not your concern’.

‘It is my concern when you show up at MY house drunk’ he yells, I bring my hands up rubbing my temples cursing at the tension that wont go away ‘fine…I’m sorry okay it wont happen again’.

“Your right it won’t’ he says and his tone scares me, I snap my head up to meet him ‘I can’t stand by and watch you do this to yourself anymore’ he says. “Fine don’t’ I say getting up and walking towards the window.

He grabs my arm before I can get there, turning me around forcing me to look at him ‘if you don’t help yourself and talk to someone and stop this drinking I have no choice but to go to your father’ he states.

I feel rage bubbling up from the pit of my stomach taking over the fear ‘don’t threaten me’ I state harsh ‘it’s not a threat’ he says staring at me willing to say something else.

“Stay out of it Max’ I yell as I yank my arm free ‘what I do with my life is my business, you are not my boyfriend so don’t tell me what to do’ I yell as I push the window open and leap out before he can say anything else, my feet hit the pavement and I run hard, my feet pounding heavily against the cement not stopping until I am home.

I hide myself in the confides of my shower as my mind reels with Max said, it shook me to the core that he would tell my father, that’s the one thing I don’t need. I desperately search for a way to clear this up a way to hide my actions.

I have to be more careful, I have to blend in better, play the part better, I curse at myself for being so careless, for let my actions put me in this predicament.

I go thru the day my mind nagging at me, I jump every time I hear the bell over the door in fear of it being Max. I try and play the nice waitress ignoring the humming of my body.

My body is craving for a drink, just a small sip to stop the shakes, when my break comes I dash upstairs and take a couple of sip from the bottle I have hidden in my room. I feel my body instantly start to relax, I become functional again.

I go back downstairs to finish my shift, I stop frozen when I look up and see Max and Tess sitting in a booth, I turn around and quickly pop a piece of gum in my mouth trying to cover my guilt of drinking. I walk up pretending like nothing is going, like nothing happened last night or this morning.

Max stares at me frowning he knows I’m trying to play it off, he doesn’t say anything but continues to watch me out of the corner of his eyes. When a group of jocks come in that I have gotten to know from the parties his eyes hardened.

I walk over and start joking and laughing around with them, I can feel his eyes boring into the back of my head, I fear I had before is replaced with stubbornness, I make it a point of letting him see that he didn’t get to me.

I accept a date from Paul one of the basketball players for tonight, I make the plans and I turn to stare at Max willing him to say something, showing him that I am not going to let him control me. He shakes his head and turns away.

The rest of the time he ignores me, and I ignore him right back, I finish my shift and I don’t bother saying anything as I leave to go get dressed.

Paul picks me up and we wind up at the park sitting in his car joking around and drinking, he leans over and kisses me and I am so numb from the alcohol that I desperately start searching for a feeling sitting here with Paul in the back seat of his car.

I let him kiss me; touch me hoping that I will feel something, anything. I can tell his hands are moving but I can’t feel them.

I squeeze my eyes shut searching for a tingle, or a goose bump from his caresses, anything would be good I would even welcome roughness but I don’t feel anything.

I hear the yanking of the car door opening and I open my eyes to see Paul being pulled off my by two strong arms, I clutch my shirt closed as I hear shouting.

“Get out of the dam car Liz’ I hear screamed, I instantly start shaking his voice is commanding, frightening ‘NOW’ he yells causing me to jump.

I climb out of the car grabbing my purse and the bottle of alcohol that I was drinking from, the minute I do I want to crawl back in and hide like a small child, Max is standing there his eyes full of fury, I can see his jaw clenching and unclenching tightly.

He grabs my hand and starts pulling me in the other direction, I can hear Paul’s protest, but they stop the minute Max stop and stares back at him.

He doesn’t say anything to him but turns and starts walking dragging me behind him, my body is shaking so badly causing my knees to buckle, and I stumble trying to keep up.

Suddenly a tidal wave washes thru my stomach and I yank my arm away falling to my knees I vomit, nothing but liquid comes out, the fear in me causes my stomach to turn and turn as I continue to throw up.

I feel someone pull my hair back away from my face, I close my eyes begging the dizziness to stop, I stay on my hands and knees for a few minutes ‘finished’ his voice is harsh and cold, I wait making sure my stomach has settled some before nodding my head.

He helps me to my feet, I’m frozen with fear and I watch as the stares at me ‘button your shirt’ he commands and I look down quickly grabbing the buttons, my fingers trembling and fumbling to get it closed.

I bring my arms back down waiting, the rain is pelting down on us, ugly fat drops beating down on our skin punishing me ‘What the hell were you thinking’ he demands.

He doesn’t let me answer ‘is that the guy you were talking about…is Paul the one your in love with’. I open mouth to scared to say something I clamp it back shut and shake my head no and stare at the ground.

‘I don’t believe you’ he shouts ‘what the hell were you thinking….how could you do something so stupid’ he turns and stares hard at me ‘answer me’ , ‘I…I don’t know’ is all I can say, I bite hard on my bottom lip as I bring my eyes up to meet his.

He clenches his jaw hard before he walks towards me, I take a step back I can’t stop the fear that is coursing thru my veins ‘you don’t know’ he mocks.

I watch as he searches my face, his eyes piercing deep inside me ‘who the hell are you’ my eyes widen a bit at his outburst.

“Because honestly I don’t know anymore, you’re clearly not the same girl I know, you’re not the girl who’s been my best friend for my entire life’ he says.

He shakes his head ‘what happened to the Liz I know, where is she…I know she’s in there somewhere…the Liz I know wouldn’t do this’ he says bending and picking up the bottle.

He clenches it tightly in his hand, for a moment I am scared his is going to smash the bottle right there in his hand, he stares at me ‘where is she’ he pleads with me, I see his eyes begging me to talk, to say something and I cant. My vocal cords are choking the words lodging them in my throat.

‘Dammit Liz, talk to me, how can I help you if don’t open your dam mouth and talk’ he shouts, I still say nothing and he throws the bottle with force smashing it against the tree, I jump terrified but something at the same time clicks inside me and I snap.

All of a sudden I’m angry, fuming and I don’t know why ‘maybe I don’t want your help, god why cant you all just leave me the hell alone…LEAVE ME ALONE’ I shout, I cant do this anymore I turn and start walking away.

I feel his hands grab me swinging me around ‘NO…no more walking away from this’ ‘WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME’I scream at the top of my lungs.

The next thing I know his hands cradle my face and his lips are on mine demanding entrance into mine, its not soft but fierce, hungry, he nips at my lower lip and I instantly open up, his tongue swoops in and tangles with mine.

My heart is pounding and my head is spinning so fast, I put my hands up and they land on his chest, I can feel is heart pounding in rhythm with mine, before I can do anything else, he pulls back instantly his eyes wide ‘I don’t know why I did that’ he says backing away.

He runs a shaky hand thru his drenched hair, my eyes are huge and all I can do is stand there breathing heavily, my lips till tingle and I bring my hand up touching my lip.

“It was a mistake…I’m sorry’ he says trying to convince his self as well, I want to scream no it wasn’t, I want to ask him why.

My mouth wont form the words, all I can do is stand there shivering staring at him, he sees me trembling ‘come on ill take you home’ he says holding my elbow and guiding me towards his jeep.

The ride home is silent; I’m glued to the door staring out of the window at the rain dancing down making patterns against it.

Rain water drops from my hair mingling in with my silent tears, I don’t even notice that we have pulled up to the alley and he’s stopped the car.

He stares out of the window for a moment then turns his head ‘Liz’ he whispers my name and I squeeze my eyes shut, willing myself to stop crying.

Playing it off I push my hair back on my face and quickly wipe my eyes, I turn and look at him ‘I shouldn’t have done that’ he says ‘I’m really sorry…I don’t want to lose you as a friend, please tell your not mad’ he says.

His words pierce deep as it stabs at my heart, I nod my head and look back out at the pouring rain as he says ‘it wont happen again…I promise’ he whispers the last part, I just nod my head and step out of the jeep.

I take my time walking to my ladder, wishing the rain to wash away the hurt. I should feel guilty but I don’t, I make my way up my ladder when my feet hit the balcony I can hear him starting the jeep.

I crawl thru the window and throw myself down on my bed curling up, not caring that I am soaked to the bone, I touch my lips once more and I can’t help the sob that escapes me.


Part 6

Its been two weeks since that night in the rain, two weeks of non-ending torture for me, we haven’t talked about it, in fact he acts like it never happened at all.

But for me its constantly there, I always wondered what it would be like to feel his lips on mine and now that I have I cant get rid of the want, the need to feel them again.

I go along with him absent-mildly pretending nothing happened, the repercussions of that night stays with me thou, I feel guiltier than I ever have.

I almost lost my virginity to a guy I had no feelings for what so ever, I almost gave up my innocence because I wanted to feel something, in that moment I wanted to close my eyes and feel like somebody gave a dam, somebody actually cared.

And the worst part was I let myself pretend that he would, when in fact all he was looking for a piece of action with no strings attached.

I guess the good thing that came out it was that I realized that I was losing control, I was spiraling downwards into the black hole without a way out, I had to take some form of control back in my life before I was lost altogether.

I can say that Max’s threat played a part in that; I truly believed he would go to my father, he would expose my secrets and I couldn’t let him do that.

So I forced myself to take part of life back even if it was a small one, I didn’t go to parties the last two weekends, instead I threw myself into sketching more, I stayed locked in my room with my floor littered with endless drawings.

I tried to tell myself to stop drinking but its like my body disagreed, the minute the shakes started I took a sip, I told myself that its okay because I was just doing it to lessen the tension, to stop my hands from shaking, I couldn’t draw if I had a shaky hand.

I don’t know what’s worse thou, when I would drink myself in oblivion and forget everything dealing with it afterwards, or if the fact that I have reduced myself to stealing sips here and there. All I know is big red has become a permanent factor among my things of necessitates.

I told myself its okay because I’m putting the effort back into my friendships, I’m putting the effort there by forcing myself to hang out with them, to sit with them at lunch, to put up with their disapproving looks and whispering words of worry.

They don’t ask me if im okay anymore, they don’t ask me anything about my personal life, I think they have given up, part of me is happy because I no longer have to lie to them by telling them that I am fine, the other half is furious, they are suppose to be my friends, they are suppose to see that I am dying inside.

But then I get angry at myself, how can I expect them to see when I am the one who is hiding, how do you help someone when in fact that person doesn’t want to help themselves first. I know I am a coward; I hide behind my sketches and liquor bottles, because the fact is it’s so much easier to hide.

Saturday I was in my room like I had done the past weekends, I guess you can imagine my surprise when Nancy knocked on my door and informed that Max was here.

I quickly jumped up quickly grabbing the sketches up so he wouldn’t see, he didn’t say anything at first just leaned against the door frame staring at me, I hid the papers inside my sketch book ‘what are you doing here Max’ I ask making sure they were none left around.

‘I came to kidnap you’ he says sporting a half grin, I cant help when my lips turn up sporting a small smile ‘kidnap’ I ask.

He unfolds his arms and walks into the room ‘yeah we haven’t spent the day together in a long time, I wanted to do something just the two of us’ he says shoving his hands into his pockets.

‘What about Tess’ I blurt out, I immediately bite the inside of my cheek regretting it, but just looking at him she was the first thing to pop in my mind. I mean she’s in there all the time like a nasty little conscience bug reminding me that she his girlfriend.

It makes it all the more harder because she hasn’t done anything wrong, she just the girlfriend of my best friend, my best friend that I am hopelessly head over in heels in love with. How can I break them up when they are happy with each other?

‘It was her idea actually’ he says nervously for some reason as he shifts back and forth on his feet. I frown immediately so he’s doing this for her not because he wanted to ‘I don’t need anyone’s pity’ I say bitterly.

He stops and walks forwards ‘its not about pity’ he takes a breath ‘she just thought it would be a good idea so she mentioned it and besides I wanted to do this too’.

‘Sound real convincing there Max’ I snap out shaking my head as I turn my back to him and pick up my sketch book. I hear him take a ragged sigh ‘I don’t want to fight with you…I really wanted to do this, its been a long time and I…I miss you’ he says.

My wall is up, my heart is guarded and I am on the attack ‘no you don’t, you just want to check up on me, see if I’m being the good little Liz Parker like everyone expects’ ‘that’s not it at all’ he snaps back, but I don’t let him finish ‘As you can see I am fine, I’m staying home like a good little daughter’.

‘Liz come on, please don’t do this’ he pleads, but its to late I’m on the defensive ‘don’t do what! State the truth, you think I don’t see how you all look at me, you think I don’t hear the whispering’.

I walk over and point to the door ‘for the last time I am fine, I’m not going to run to a party, I’m not going to get drunk, so you can just leave now, run back to your little group and give them your dam report’.

He doesn’t move but stands there blinking at my outburst, I can see the shimmering of hurt in his eyes, ‘you really believe that’s all I want to do is check up on you’ he says shaking his head ‘forgive me for wanting to spend the day with my best friend, forgive me for giving a damn’ he says storming towards the door.

I sigh defeated and grab his arm before he can get out, he looks at me and it shocks me, I can see his eyes glistening and I suddenly feel like the biggest ass ‘I’m sorry’ I whisper out, he stares down at where my hand is holding his arm but doesn’t say anything, I pull my hand back ‘ I just had a bad night…I didn’t mean to take it out on you’.

He brings his gaze up to my face and I avert my eyes because I know if I look into his I’ll drown. ‘If the offer still stands I would lov, I would like to spend the day with you…I miss you too’ I say blowing out my breath.

I look up in time to see a flicker of something pass in his eyes ‘truce’ I ask, he stares for a minute then smiles one of those smiles that automatically make you smile too.

‘Okay’ he says walking back in the room, I quickly run in the bathroom and brush my hair pulling it up into a ponytail ‘not now’ I mumble when I notice my hand shaking.

I quickly squat and dig out the bottle of Jack that I have hidden inside the cabinet, I bring it to my lips and let the liquid burn my throat and I take two gulps, I return the bottle and quickly grab my toothbrush brushing away any evidence.

I close my eyes for a minute letting the alcohol runs its course thru my veins calming me, when I leave the bathroom my eyes widened quickly ‘DON’T TOUCH THAT’ I yell diving for my sketchbook.

He jumps startled and drops the cover back down ‘I’m sorry’ he says and quickly takes a step back when I rush and snatch the book up, once its safely in my possession I look at him ‘I…I didn’t meant to yell at you, these are just not for anyone to see’ I say.

He nods his head and shoves his hands in his pockets pushing the issue away ‘okay…are you ready’ he asks, I nod my head yes and quickly shove the sketchbook underneath my mattress before following him out.

I shout I’m leaving and Max passes me a look when Nancy hollers ‘don’t do anything to get Max in trouble Elizabeth’.

Our day ended with us at the lake, our special place I like to call it, when Max and I were thirteen we found this place and we kept it a secret, it was a place for us to go when we just wanted to get away, to spend time in the quiet.

The days itself was indescribable, he kept his word and it was just the two of us and the amazing part was that I actually found myself laughing the whole day and not once did I think of drinking when were gone.

We drove over to the next town, its not as small as Roswell and they have this little amusement park that we all used to go to during our breaks, I honestly feel like it was magical, for the first time in a long time I felt like me again.

I lay back on the blanket that he put down staring up at the sky memorizing the way the stars are starting to play peek a boo behind the evening clouds.

He turns and looks at me for a moment then turns his gaze back out towards the lake ‘did I do something wrong that I am not aware of’ he asks out of the blue, I am momentarily frozen for a minute by his question, today’s events washed away as I am reminded how terrible my life has become, he looks down over at me expecting an answer I quickly shake my head no.

“Do you trust me’ he asks, again I have lost my voice and I shake my head yes, ‘then why don’t you talk to me anymore, I feel like I did something that caused you to stop believing in me to help you’ he says.

I close my eyes fighting against the tears that want to fall, he’s right he has done nothing but be there for me and has tried and tried again but I keep pushing him away, he has done nothing but be my friend and I am punishing him because my heart isn’t strong enough.

I turn my head gazing at the tree that Max and I used to climb all the time when were little as I sit up, my voice is so low that part of me prays he doesn’t hear me when I whisper ‘she hit me’.

His head whips around staring at me ‘who’ he demands, his voice is hard, by the tone I can instantly tell he is angry, I find myself drawing in my bottom lip biting down on it as I try and gather the courage to tell him who.

He raises his hand and bring my chin back around to face him ‘who Liz’ he says, I close my eyes as the first tear streaks down my face ‘Nancy’ I whisper out, his eyes widen for a moment then they turn into something else ‘when’ he asks.

I whip my head out of his hand as I shrug my shoulders ‘a while ago’ I say bringing my gaze back to the tree, he runs a hand thru his hair and sighs ‘was it the first time’ he asks, I feel my body starting to shake as I draw my knees up closer to my chest.

He knows the answer by my lack of speech ‘Have you told your dad’ he says, I quickly whip around to him ‘no, and you cant say anything’ I say worrying, my father cant know about this, I cant let him know.

‘Liz you have to tell him’ he argues ‘NO” I yell, I get on my hands and knees gripping his shoulder ‘swear to me Max, swear to me you wont tell him’ I say squeezing his shoulder as my eyes widen in panic.

‘You can’t let her get away with this’ he says his voice softening trying to comfort me ‘Max promise me you wont say anything, if ….if you do I’ll deny it’ I say frantically crying, he draws me closer to him pulling him on his lap ‘okay…okay I wont say anything’ he reassures.

His arms wrap around me tightly rocking back and forth, and I let myself get lost in the feel of his arms around me, I continue to let the tears fall down my face as he plays with the back of my hair trying to calm me down.

When my cries die down to a whispering sniffle, he releases me ‘I’m sorry’ he says, I scoot back over to my side of the blanket as I ask him why, he looks at me ‘I should have been there to stop her’ he says.

“Max you cant be there twenty four hours a day, and besides you have your own life to live’ I say sighing, ‘I know its just I should have been a better friend, I should have pushed you more…I knew you weren't acting like yourself and I did nothing to help you’ he says.

I start picking at the ends of the blanket twirling a loose strand tightly around my finger ‘Max you have helped more than you know’ he looks at me unbelievable ‘how’ he asks, I turn and look at him ‘you’re here with me now, you never gave up on me, I told you what was going on’ its not a total lie, I just left out the part that I am madly in love with him.

‘And…and this thing with Nancy I’m sure it will pass its only happened a couple of times and to be honest I provoked it’ I said. I felt him put his arm around my shoulder drawing me closer to him, I let my eyes close as I feel him kiss the top of my head ‘I wish there was something I could do’ he whispers.

I sigh and breathe him in as I whisper ‘just be there Max…just be there’.