Day 16 – Hello My Name is Anxiety

I cannot believe the amount of anxiety that is coursing through my body right now. Seriously I am having major anxiety attacks left and right, and I have to say, I am not a fan at all.  Emotionally I am going from depressed to hyped up to scared as heck.  Did I make the right decision?  Should I have a lumpectomy instead?

The Stress

Did I make the right decision.  I have always, always thought that if I were ever to be diagnosed with breast cancer I would go with the mastectomy.  Now I’m really starting to second guess myself.  And it’s stupid because I’m wondering what any potential guys in my life would think.  That’s stupid because 1. there are no guys of the romantic variety in my life, and 2. if there ever is a guy of that type in my life, if he’s the right guy, it won’t matter. But it’s still hard to know if it’s the right decision.  Am I overreacting?  I don’t know

The Fear

Any surgery is scary, and this one is no exception.  I’m older, I’m fat, and that makes it even riskier. And the reconstruction surgery is even scarier.  That one has a huge recovery time which is why I guess the doctor wants to do it over summer.  What if something goes wrong?  I don’t know, I’m just a huge fear monger I guess.

Add it all up and What do You Get?

Anxiety. Tons and tons of anxiety.  I have a permanent sinking feeling in my chest and I constantly want to cry – but nobody knows because I am all happy and jokey in public.  I have such a great game face – nobody knows what’s going on in my head except me, and The Breast Cancer Diaries.  I just want this over with.