The Stress is Strong – Breast Cancer Diaries Episode 23

Welcome to the stress filled entry 23 of the breast cancer diaries.  Where do I begin?  Let’s begin with the fact that I am not healing as well as the plastic surgeon would like and I have to go see him again next week.

Stress Event Number 1

He may have to do another wound debridement, which is gross.  However, if it’s necessary for my health what am I going to do. This is the first thing that is causing me stress. It’s not painful, but, honestly, it’s disgusting, and it’s kind of like a traffic accident. You don’t want to watch, but you feel like you have no choice. That’s how it is when they do the debridement. I don’t want to look, but I can’t not look. And the worst part is that anticipation is often harder than the procedure itself. I spend days thinking about it, replaying how it might feel, and picturing the surgical room. The thought of it hangs over me like a cloud.

Stress Event Number 2

My second cause of stress is that fact that I am slated to go back to school on March 30th but how can I work if I can’t raise my arms?  I won’t even be able to write on the board!  I also am not supposed to be lifting things.  Find me a teacher that goes in our out of school carrying nothing.  I dare you. Ugh, I can feel my level of stress increasing just writing about it. I know I can’t seem to leave my house in the morning with a backpack full of stuff, a purse, and a lunch box.

dd in the reality of managing a classroom, helping students, rearranging desks, or even just collecting stacks of papers, every single part of teaching involves lifting, stretching, and physical presence. How do you balance being a dedicated teacher while your body insists on recovery?

Stress Event Number 3

The third thing that is causing me stress, is well, stress.  I’m having panic attacks left and right and I don’t know why, but that’s on me.  My oncologist did prescribe some meds when I was first diagnosed to help me deal with it, but I’d rather not take another pill if I don’t have to. There are things I can do to get through them and I will, but right now it’s just another thing I’m dealing with.

I know there are strategies I can lean on, breathing exercises, mindfulness, journaling, leaning on friends, but in the moment of a panic attack, it feels like the world narrows to just that spiraling heartbeat. I’m trying to remind myself that panic comes in waves: it builds, crests, and then recedes. It doesn’t last forever, even if in the moment it feels like it will.

Stress Event Number 4

The sad part about all of this is the doctor won’t even schedule my reconstruction surgery until I’m healed for 3 months. This would be another huge cause of stress. That would be number 4 if you’re keeping count. The recovery time for the reconstruction surgery is 6-8 weeks, which gives me a limited time over the summer to get it done.  I can’t miss more school time.

And of course, the calendar doesn’t care about my health. Summer feels short on the best of days. Add in six to eight weeks of healing, and it feels nearly impossible to fit everything in. Will I have enough time to heal before the new school year begins? Will I be strong enough to walk back into a classroom and give my best self to my students?

Stress Event Number 5

Yep, you guessed it, the fifth cause of stress.  I mean school is being great, but I don’t want to be the person that is taking advantage. Being out of school is stressful on everybody. It’s stressful on me, of course, but it’s also stressful on other people. My students of course, but also, my fellow teachers. There is a huge substitute shortage, so it falls on teachers to cover classes when somebody is out.

I worry about the ripple effect—how my absence makes someone else’s day harder, how my students adjust to so much uncertainty, how guilty I feel for something that isn’t my fault. It’s a heavy burden to carry on top of everything else.

The Big Picture

Let’s be honest, the stress started way back in December when they found a suspicious shadow on my mammogram, and it’s been downhill ever since at least when it comes to the stress level I’m feeling. Surgery, drains, expanders, appointments, it’s been one long roller coaster.

I keep reminding myself to look on the bright side, and to think positive, but it’s not easy. Some days, “positive” feels like a mountain I don’t have the strength to climb. But I also know that the only way out is through. Luckily for me, there are good articles on dealing with stress, and small practices I can lean on when I feel overwhelmed. I look forward to lots of online reading in my future, and hopefully finding a little calm amidst the chaos.